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Boundaries on the Job After a Work-Related Affair

Boundaries on the Job After a Work-Related Affair

If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain.

But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust and healing your marriage. That is a commendable decision, and it can be a really difficult one to make. It can be so helpful to know how to set appropriate boundaries on the job. Therefore, you need to know that your husband is being faithful to you when he’s at work. In doing so, he will need to be doing his part to provide you with a sense of security you need while he’s on the job.

Committing to Never Spending Time Alone With a Co-Worker

It’s normal to have a favorite co-worker at the office or on the job. But your husband should not choose a favorite who is a woman. Doing so puts your marriage in jeopardy because it can lead to communications that can quickly become inappropriate.

When a husband has had a work-related affair, he should maintain clearly drawn lines you set for him. Your husband and the opposite sex should never spend time alone with each other. There can be no physical contact except an appropriate handshake.  And he should avoid any type of behavior that you would not approve of.

That includes getting in the elevator with another woman going for walks, texting, and minimizing business travel.  After a husband has an affair he will do well to eliminate or greatly reduce time that allows for one-on-one interaction with a female. He must take your sense of security extremely seriously.

Committing to Avoid Sharing Details About His Marriage

Women are, by default, really good listeners. Men recognize this, which is why so many men gravitate toward women they work with when they have affairs. In addition to being more discreet in many ways, women at work provide them with someone they can confide in.

Your husband should commit to not sharing anything about your marriage with another woman at work. Whether that means venting about something that bothers him, or sharing something that he had only previously shared with you. Providing any type of information like that is only a way to build intimacy with someone who is not his wife.

Committing to His Work Schedule

There may be some jobs that offer flexible hours, or even require late nights or early mornings. But for the most part, your husband probably has a start time and a stop time at his job. He should be willing to make a commitment to you to come home immediately after work. So many affairs start because the husband uses the excuse of having to work late.

If your husband truly does have to work late, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be in communication with you frequently during that time. That way, you will feel more assured that his lateness is truly because of something unavoidable at work.

Have You Been Betrayed Because of an Affair?

Perhaps you are in this situation yourself, and your spouse recently disclosed a work-related affair. It’s understand how you feel, and the pain you are having is very real. But please know that healing is possible.

You may be in a position where both you and your spouse are willing to work through the affair so you can reconcile. Or, you may be contemplating separation. It is also possible that you aren’t sure what to do, or where to turn.

The Word of God has so much to say about your situation. God has healing in store for you, and together, we can take the steps to see that healing manifested in your life. The road you’re on may seem lonely and endless right now, but you can go from betrayal to healing.

Honesty in Marriage After an Affair

Honesty in Marriage After an Affair

When you realized that your husband had been having an affair, you were presented with a choice. You either had to decide to separate and possibly divorce, or you had to work through his betrayal. It might have been a hard decision, but if you both agreed to work through it, then nothing is as important to you right now than honesty and telling the truth.

One of the biggest consequences of an affair – even for couples who decide to work it out – is the loss of trust. Once trust is gone, it can be so challenging to get it back. It can be done, but it definitely takes work.

There are some steps your husband can take to begin the process of restoring trust in your marriage. Let’s talk about what they are.

Commit to Rigorous Honesty

Husbands who have been unfaithful may be in such a pattern of dishonesty that it feels odd for them to tell the truth. Their knee-jerk reaction may be to continue lying, but to do it in a way that is more effective. Unfortunately, those lies pile up and they end up doing nothing to build trust.

Rigorous honesty may not be easy, and it is certainly isn’t fun. It means telling their wives about everything. So they need to be honest about things that might hurt them and make them look bad, as well as things that are not exactly convenient to confide.

Telling the truth quickly is the key, and wives should always be kept in the loop about everything from how much money was spent that day and on what, to any type of questionable social interaction.

As your husband’s wife, you have the right to expect this type of honesty. After an affair, it is more important that you get it now than ever before.

Commit to the Relationship Restoration Process

A lot of husbands quickly become frustrated when they have to wait for trust to be restored in their marriages. They often fall into the trap of thinking that as long as the infidelity stopped, everything should be fine. But that isn’t the way it works at all.

As the betrayed spouse, the hurt and the pain that you feel cuts deep. It’s not something that can be healed just because the action that caused it has stopped. It takes time to get the kind of healing you need, and it’s something that only God can do for you.

Your husband needs to understand what it means to commit to the relationship restoration process. That means absolute honesty about everything all the time, maintaining a commitment to change, and abide by the boundaries set forth in marriage.

Committing to Honesty and Making the Marriage Work

If your husband has made a commitment with you to work on your marriage, that’s wonderful. As believers, we know that relying on God to help us and heal our marriages is exactly what we need to do. But it isn’t always easy to stay on track, and it can be helpful to have someone working alongside you to help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have been able to help so many couples work through their differences. You may be going through the pain of an affair, and are are struggling with what to do and how to move forward. Others may be headed in the direction of an affair, and it all goes back to their issues with honesty and transparency.

God talks about the importance of honesty in so many places in His Word. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” The Bible is a wonderful blueprint for our lives, but sometimes people need guidance in order to see its truths and apply them to their lives.

I can help you if you are struggling because of an affair in your marriage. Together, we can make a plan to help you both make a commitment to honesty as we seek God together. When honesty is applied to marriage, the result is something beautiful. I would love to help you begin your journey toward healing.

How Long Do Affairs Last?

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How Long Do Affairs Last?

When you learn that your spouse is having an affair, it can turn your entire world upside down. A lot of wives wonder, how long do affairs last? They may be confused about how long their husband has been cheating, or they may wonder how long the behavior might possibly continue.

It’s normal to ask a lot of questions once you learn that your spouse is having an affair. This is one that should definitely be answered.

Many Factors Determine How Long Affairs Last

It’s really hard to say with certainty how long affairs last. There are some types of infidelities that only last one night. Others can continue on for many, many years. But the average affair is usually over by about six months.

Again, that is an average. You shouldn’t look at the length of your spouse’s affair in comparison. Your situation might be completely different.

It’s possible that there is a better question we should be asking here. How about, is your husband ready end the affair and break off that relationship?

What Should You Do if You Discover Your Spouse Has Been Cheating?

There is nothing quite as painful as realizing that your husband has been cheating. This is especially true as a Christian. You assumed the best of your spouse, and their betrayal is gut-wrenching. But now that you know about the affair, you need to find out if he’s willing to end it.

This will go one of two ways. Your husband may show signs he’s willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win your heart back. He may even be relieved that you found out about it. Or, he may blame you for his affair move in with his betrayal partner and sacrifice your marriage in the process.

The good news is that 70% of marriages that experience affairs don’t end in divorce.

Nonetheless, in either scenario, there will be pain involved. One carries the pain of healing from a broken marriage; working to put the pieces back together again. The other involves working through the pain of your betrayal trauma and beginning a new life without your husband. Fortunately, neither is a road that you need to walk alone.

John 14:18 reads:  I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you.

How Can a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor Help You?

A Christian marriage coach and counselor I can help you as you go through this difficult time. I can provide you with the Christian counsel that you need if your husband decides to end the marriage. If you decide to try and reconcile, I can provide you the support that’s necessary to help you have a marriage that was stronger than before.

Getting the answer to your question, how long do affairs last? is important. But it’s better to focus on your own situation and what is happening within your marriage. Only then will you be able to decide what your next steps will be. Would you like to learn more about the next steps for you after your husband’s affair? I would love to help you with that.

 

 

How to Deal With a Cheating Husband Biblically

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When your husband cheats on you, you’re overwhelmed and confused about what you should do. A lot of women believe that the right thing to do is to stay and try to work it out no matter how abusive their husband is towards them. Others feel as though their marriage covenant has been violated beyond repair. The reality is God want you to confront a cheating husband in a way that is biblical.

I Timothy 5:20 reads: To them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. 

Your marriage is sacred, and when your husband chooses to violate it, it leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions. You are feeling shock, anger, depression just to name a few. It’s important for you to know what your next steps should be.

How to Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically: Your First Step Should be Prayer

For and foremost ask God to protect, comfort, guide and strength you through this trial. It will only weigh on your mind more and more if you neglect to bring this issue before the Lord. You may start thinking about different scenarios, and turning to friends and family who likely will not offer you the best advice about what you should do. Typically they are too emotionally involved. First and foremost, pray for yourself, for your husband and who to go to for counsel. It will help you much more than you probably realize.

Wait to Talk to Your Husband

Secondly, you may be tempted to want to immediately know every detail of his affair.  You probably have a lot of questions, and your husband should be willing to reveal all the facts. But there is a time and place for this conversation.  A disclosure conversation should take place during a formal procedure with an experienced and trained facilitator such as a counselor, pastor or trusted third party. Disclosures are common in marriage counseling and there is a process for them that keeps the conversation on track and ensures both sides are heard and feel safe.

Asking the Right Questions 

It’s helpful to ask questions like:

  • When did you affair begin?
  • Where did you meet your betrayal partner?
  • What devices did you use to communicate with your betrayal partner?
  • Is this why we stopped having sex 

Avoiding Ill-Advised Questions

It is not helpful to ask questions like:

  • What is her name?
  • What did she do for you that I didn’t?
  • Do think about her when we have sex?
  • What exactly did you do in bed together?

You may want to know all the intimate details or you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. This is very normal.  I have yet to hold a disclosure session where the wife didn’t learn something new. You should have this talk in a place that is free from all distractions so you can concentrate on each other.

You should drive separately to the disclosure meeting and arrange for childcare if needed so that you have 24-hours after the conversation without contact with your spouse to process your feelings.  Spend the day or night with a trusted friend.

During the disclosure conversation I have seen husbands be sincerely remorseful and sorrowful about cheating. Others are angry and tight-lipped, acting act like his affair is your fault.  You’ll likely know where your marriage is headed based on his response.

Research as shown that 86% of couples who have an open and honest disclosure conversation remain married and rebuild trust.

Consider Working with an Experienced Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor

Proverbs 15:22 it states: “Where there is no counsel the people fall.”

It’s possible that wasn’t your husband’s first affair and he crossed a line with you, and you don’t believe that your marriage can ever be the same. Or, maybe he doesn’t have a desire to work on your relationship so that it can heal. If that’s  the case, I can help you through it.

Of course, it’s also possible that your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Maybe you don’t see how it can help, but you’re willing to try. If that’s the way you both feel, I can help you with that as well.

Research has shown that when working with a trained counselor and learning how to deal with cheating husband biblically, 96% of betraying spouses and 93% of betrayed spouses felt it was in their best interest to have a third party go through the disclosure process with them.

If you would like to talk with me about how I can help, please email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or schedule a complimentary consultation at drcarolerb.com.

Regardless, I understand that you are going through one of the hardest times of your life. It’s hard to know how to deal with a cheating husband biblically. Right now things might feel hopeless, but I want to assure you that they’re not. Together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage.  I’ll see you next time and until then I send you grace and peace.  And remember.  You matter.

 

How to Catch Him Cheating

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How to Catch Him Cheating

Perhaps you suspect that your husband is having an affair.  In your gut you’re feeling something is off. The thought of it is consuming you, and it’s hard to think about anything else. Your main thought is, how to catch him cheating?, and you feel as though you won’t rest until you find the answer.

As someone who has dealt with infidelity in marriage before, I completely understand. When a cheating husband has a routine down, it can be hard to catch him. But there are some ways it may be possible.

How to Catch Him Cheating: Look for Signs

Cheating husbands often give off many different signs that indicate they might be being unfaithful. Some of the signs you might want to start looking for include:

  • Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
  • Hiding their phone, and/or always keeping it hidden from your field of vision.
  • Brushing off future plans, such as planning to buy a home or having children.
  • Spending a lot more money than usual, or there is money unaccounted for.
  • Staying at work until late at night.

Of course, these are only a few of the more common signs that indicate someone might be cheating. But they are definitely among the top ones to look for.

Getting Solid Evidence of the Affair

It’s possible that you’ve tried to talk with your husband and let him know of your suspicions. Most men will be adamant that there’s nothing going on, which makes you feel like you’re being played.  You question yourself. This only means you need to get some more concrete information.

There are several things you can do, such as:

  • Checking his email and his trash folder. You may find something there that proves he is being unfaithful.
  • Stop by his office. If he is having an affair with someone at work, you’ll likely be able to tell if he feels uncomfortable with you there.
  • Look at his phone. Try to find a time when his phone is accessible to you and look at his calls and messages.
  • Come home unexpectedly. This is often the best way to catch a husband cheating; especially if you were supposed to be out of town.
  • Confront him on lies he has told, or dates he has canceled. The way that he responds may give you some clues as to whether or not he is cheating.

Proverbs 22:12- The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

What if You Fail to Get Things Sorted Out?

Rather than asking, how to catch him cheating?, you might want to consider the help of a third party.  Why not ask, how can I begin to take care of myself? The answer to that question is by working with a counselor that can help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I can give you a lot of guidance through your situation.  I’ve walked in your shoes. Even if your husband hasn’t confessed, and you have no solid evidence, or you’re minimizing what you’ve discovered, you still need support to resolve things.

I can provide you with the help you need during this troubling time. What you’re facing is difficult, but as a Christian woman, I can tell you that I know there are answers. You’re not alone. Together, and with God’s help, you can feel less vulnerable and more in control.

Percentage of Couples Who Stay Together After Cheating?

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What is the Percentage of Couples Who Stay Together After Cheating?

For many couples – even Christian ones – finding out that one spouse has had an affair results in an automatic separation and possibly a divorce. But for others, it is possible to work through the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Some couples even report getting through the situation with an even stronger marriage.

If you are facing the stress of dealing with your spouse’s affair, you may wonder how this could have happened. What is it that allows these people to want to continue working on their marriages? Other may be concerned with thinking what if my spouse has an affair again. These are both really good questions.

Let’s take a look at the percentage of couples who stay together after cheating. You might be surprised at what you learn about them.

How Can a Marriage Work After a Spouse Has Cheated?

Unfortunately, it is really difficult to get hard and fast statistics about how many couples decide to stay together after one spouse has been unfaithful. Research is even unclear about how many men and women will be involved in affairs in their lifetimes. Some researchers indicate that 2.3% of married women, and 4.3% of married men will cheat on their spouses. Others put those numbers much higher – 25% for men and 11% for women.

Here is what we do know for sure – when one spouse has cheated, and both partners are committed to making the marriage work, healing can take place in their relationship.

Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair?

This is a question that only you and your spouse can answer, and it is different for everyone. You may find that when you both put in the work, your marriage can become even stronger. Or, you may feel as though too much trust has been lost and your husband shows no sign of remorse and enough is enough. You need to move on and heal in a way that means you need to separate.  

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” Proverbs 27:12.

I never recommend divorce as that’s a decision made between you and God.

As a Christian, it can be difficult for you to know what the right thing is for you to do. Working as a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have helped many couples navigate these troublesome waters and get the right answer for them.

You may be feeling overwhelmed and betrayed because your husband cheated on you and don’t know what to do next. I can help you rebuild your confidence, reignite your faith, and remove your fear of the future so you can trust your decisions and take the next right step in your marriage and life. With the right strategies, you will be left feeling peaceful and confident in dealing with the present and facing the future.

We may not be able to indicate the exact percentage of couples who stay together after cheating, but we do know one thing. That percentage really has no bearing on what happens with your marriage. Together, we can find a solution that will help you heal and move on either on your own, or with your spouse.

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