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His Infidelity Isn’t Your Fault

His Infidelity Isn’t Your Fault

A woman will often have a certain thought shortly after discovering that her husband has been unfaithful. Deep down inside, one of her deepest fears is, Is this somehow my fault? I feel it is important to address this because much of the advice she receives is not altogether helpful. Depending on whether she speaks to family, friends, or someone in her Christian community, she is usually met with one of these types of questions:

  • Do you feel as though you’ve been the wife you should have been?
  • Were you doing your job as his wife?
  • Were you meeting your husband’s needs? Could that be why he decided to go outside the marriage?
  • Maybe you need to dress sexier. Have you been doing that?
  • You look like you may have put on a few pounds. Could you try working out to try and lose some weight?
  • Is it possible for you to try to cook better meals for him?
  • Did you make sure the house was always tidy and the children were settled when he came home from work?
  • Have you loved him unconditionally?

 

 

Women will also hear this type of counsel from a variety of sources:

  • Maybe you need to have more faith and really pray about this. Pray about your marriage. Pray for your husband.
  • You are being really unforgiving. Stop talking about this. Don’t be so sad and mope around all the time. Just be glad he hasn’t left you.
  • Why don’t you focus on the marriage? Go out on a date night. Have some daily devotionals together. Work on your communication and find out each other’s love language. Maybe that will help turn things around.

The problem with this type of counsel is that it only further traumatizes the wife. She is not able to recover because she feels responsible for her husband. She feels as though she’s responsible for his recovery, and for somehow stopping the infidelity or his use of pornography. She feels like she has to become a detective and inspect what he’s doing or what he’s viewing. She may feel like she has to police him, get books for him to read or set up counseling appointments. All of this focuses on her husband, and she is unable to heal. As a result, she becomes very fearful and insecure.

When a husband is not held accountable for his sin, and when there has been no formal disclosure, or any type of timeline about what has occurred, he is very likely to repeat his behavior, continue in sin and not heal. Trust cannot be rebuilt this way. Forgiveness cannot even begin to take place because there hasn’t been any trust building, and reconciliation is so far away. This type of counseling is unbiblical, and here’s why.

In Matthew 18:15-17, it says, If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.

If you fail to confront your sinning spouse, you are enabling his sin. You have no influence over him. When you have taken all the steps that are in Matthew 18, you can know that you have done all that you possibly can. The real reason this infidelity is not your fault is because he is the one in sin. I have yet to meet a spouse who has put a gun to the head of her husband and commanded him to commit infidelity or sexual impurity. He is fully at fault.

To settle your heart, please know that God says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you are the spouse who has been the recipient of the sin, what you are feeling is false guilt. Please know that you do not need to fear. God will see you through it.

If you would like to reach me at hello@drcarolerb.com .  Or if you would like to speak with me schedule a time for us to talk. The Biblical counsel and the steps needed to address this problem are available, and I would love to support you.  Hangeth thou in there and I’m sending you God’s grace and peace.

How to End An Affair

How to End An Affair

There is one question I get asked all the time. Once a wife has discovered that her husband has been unfaithful, she says, “Carol, he has told me that he’s ended the affair, but how can I trust him?”

Quite honestly, the answer is that you can’t. You can’t believe words; you can only believe behaviors and actions. I have found that there are few husbands who will be completely honest about being unfaithful until they have been caught. If they knew what the consequences of their actions would be – their lies, their deception, their infidelity and their cheating – they would have avoided it at all costs.

Usually, husbands will minimize what they’ve done. They’ll say things like:

• “We were just friends.”
• “It was an emotional affair.”
• “It wasn’t sexual.”
• “We only had sex a few times.”

 

There aren’t many husbands who are honest about disclosing the details of an affair, and there are a few reasons for this.

1. He wants to protect himself. He may tell you that he’s trying to protect you, but that isn’t true at all. He’s trying to protect himself.

2. He wants to avoid any further consequences because of his behavior.

3. He’s very concerned about looking good. That’s why he’s not being honest about what he has done.

Numbers 32:23 says, Be sure, your sin will find you out.

There is so much truth in that verse.

I once had a client, and we had disclosed that there had been an infidelity. The husband assured his wife that he had told her everything there was to tell her. However, as we continued to work together, he became convicted because he had only dribbled the truth out, bit by bit. Finally, he admitted that he hadn’t been totally honest.

Her response was, “You burned the house down once; and now you’ve burned it down again.” What she meant was that they had started to rebuild on a brand new foundation, and because he hadn’t been completely honest with her, they had to start all over again.

Complete openness and honesty are the only solutions for ending an affair and rebuilding your trust in your husband and in your marriage. Ladies, it’s not the honesty that causes us pain. It’s the dishonesty. It’s not the truth that drives you crazy. It’s the deception.

Most husbands think that their wives can’t handle the truth, and beneath that, lies manipulation and disrespect. You have already been victimized by his infidelity, but by not getting the truth about his behaviors, you’re being victimized twice.

God has given you intuition, and once the truth comes out, everything else begins to become clear. This is exactly what happened to me. My husband would come home at night and I knew things weren’t right. Finally, I looked at him and said, “You’re here, but not really.” Once I discovered his infidelity, all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. Everything became clear.

Your husband is in no place to bargain; especially if he is serious about wanting to rebuild your trust. This relationship with his lover must end for life, and there is a way to do it.

You end an affair with one, final phone call.

For your phone call, he calls his lover, and he puts you on speakerphone. He lets her know that you’re there. This is his final goodbye to her, and he needs to state that he’s been selfish, and that he cares about you and his family. He needs to tell her that he’s going to do everything he can to protect his family. Then he tells her that he is rebuilding his marriage and he’s ending his relationship with her forever.

There will be no more phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages or face-to-face meetings with her. They will never see each other again. He does not mention anything to her about the hurt this may have caused her or how sorry he is. He ends the phone call at that point.

This phone call begins the process of you believing that he is finished with his lover, and solely focused on working on your marriage. Please understand that this is only the first step. It’s going to take many other steps of consistently and persistently rebuilding your trust, but this is how you can know for sure that he has ended the affair.

Have you recently found out that your husband has been having an affair? My job is to help Christian women heal from broken trust, fulfilling their desire to be valued, secure and fully loved. I would love to help you. Please feel free to contact me by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or book a complimentary call to see how I might best support you, and let’s set up a time to talk about the challenges you’re facing.

5 Reasons Why Most Marriages Fail After a Sexual Betrayal

5 Reasons Why Most Marriages Fail After a Sexual Betrayal

Once you’ve realized your husband has been unfaithful to you, it’s difficult to think about putting the pieces of your marriage back together again. You feel absolutely shattered, and you’re not really sure what you should do. Maybe you’d like to try to make it work, but it all seems so hopeless.

This is where many couples give up, and one or both of them make some major mistakes that lead to the end of the marriage. Let’s talk about five of those mistakes in more detail.

MISTAKE # 1: THEY DON’T TAKE THE TIME TO HEAL

One of the things many wives do after they’ve discovered that their husbands have been unfaithful is attempt to jump right into making everything feel as normal as possible. In doing so, they’re rushing through the healing process, and there is a reason why healing is a process and not something that can occur overnight. It’s vital for you to work through the emotions that this betrayal has caused for you, and that means taking the necessary time to heal.

MISTAKE #2: THEY TRY AND “FIX” THEIR SPOUSE

After you’ve been betrayed, it’s a normal response for you to try to make everything right again. Chances are, you’ve thought long and hard about what happened between you and your husband, and what may have led to his betrayal. You know exactly what needs to change, and you think you know how to change it. This never works. You can never “fix” your spouse, and any attempt to fix him may even do more damage than good.

MISTAKE #3: THEY SUCCUMB TO THEIR ANGER

Anger is a normal response once you learn about your spouse’s betrayal, and to some extent, expressing your anger is an important part of the healing process. However, dealing with your anger is so important and there are healthy ways for you to deal with it. When your anger gets out of control, it can actually sabotage your healing, and that’s definitely not something you want to have happen.

MISTAKE #4: THEY FAIL TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT CAUSED THE SEXUAL BETRAYAL

At some point, it’s important for you to try to understand the circumstances that led to your husband’s betrayal. While this is certainly not something you should be expected to do right away, eventually, it will help you to know what causes him to sin sexually. Once you can work on this understanding, you’ll also find that you’re releasing your control over his behavior, and allowing him to be responsible for his own actions.

MISTAKE #5: THEY FAIL TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

Once a sexual betrayal has been committed in your marriage, attempting to heal on your own is almost impossible. There are so many emotions involved, and it’s difficult for you to make sense of everything that has happened. You need guidance, and it’s even better if that guidance is backed by the Word of God. Getting a professional to talk with you demonstrates your willingness to work through the sin that has occurred so that you can embrace healing and move forward in your marriage.

A FINAL THOUGHT

Remember, your marriage and family legacy is your greatest asset. When you have been devastated by a sexual betrayal in marriage the main thing that is on your mind is to get out of the pain. The pathway out of your pain is to avoid the 5 major pitfalls above, while finding the right Christian coach or counselor who has the perfect step-by-step plan to move you out of your pain.

A plan that works.

Has your marriage been suffering because of a sexual betrayal? Maybe you’ve even made some of these mistakes, but you’re not sure what else to do. A Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor can help you see things a different way, and shed God’s light on a situation that otherwise seems hopeless.

3 Signs Your Husband’s  Honest About His Sexual Betrayal

3 Signs Your Husband’s Honest About His Sexual Betrayal

If your husband has had been involved in pornography, infidelity or a sexual addiction, one of the hardest things to him do is to talk about his sexual betrayal with you. Still, he knows that he has to disclose what happened. Maybe he’s in that position right now, and he’d like to be able to come clean about everything that happened, but he’s just not sure how to do it or what to say. It’s a difficult situation, but it is possible to do it with love and with complete honesty.   Let’s talk about what he can do if he’s ready to start communicating with you and disclose his sexual betrayal.

THE TIMELINE OF TRUTH

In most cases, a sexual betrayal never happens all at once. They happen over time, and this is time that you want to account for. Creating a timeline is the best way to do this. The timeline need to be with five-year increments, and notate all of the instances of the following:

Sexual awakening · Sex education · Sexual experimentation · Sexual abuse ·Introduction to pornography · All sexual and emotional relationships   When your husband is creating his timeline, honesty is the most important element. He might think that a particular item doesn’t matter, or that it’s embarrassing to you, but this is about full disclosure and honesty. If it happened, it should be included.

DEFINING FULL DISCLOSURE

It’s understandable that these situations are hard to talk about. However, full disclosure means telling the entire truth and not leaving any details out, no matter how insignificant they might seem to him. As he works on his timeline, he needs to be sure to describe the nature of the action, whether that means looking at pornography, any emotional or sexual affairs, visiting a strip club, paying for a prostitute, going to massage parlors, or even viewing profiles online. He needs to indicate how long these acts have been going on, and when they occurred in relation to where you were at that time.  For example, did he act out while you were out of town? Or, perhaps he only participated in these activities when he was away on business or while you were working.   Other details he should provide regarding his sexual betrayal should include:  The location of these events · Any excuses he used to find the time or the place to participate in them · The money that was spent · Any consequences he dealt with that you weren’t aware of (arrests, unexpected pregnancy, money lost, etc.) ·Instances of unprotected sex · Secret bank accounts or credit cards · Secret email accounts or PO boxes.

VULNERABLITY AND A NEW BEGINNING

The fact that your husband would agreed to full disclosure of his sexual betrayal is to be commended. This places him in an incredibly vulnerable position, and you need to see his brokenness and that he diligently pursuing God at this time in his life.  The fact that he’s willing to talk about it takes a lot of courage for anyone to be so honest, and he should be encouraged to know that his willingness to proceed is an excellent opportunity to lay a new foundation for your marriage.

This is a new beginning for you both, and disclosure is the first step towards building a new foundation on truth instead of deceit. You will likely need help with this process. In fact, it is highly recommended that you use a Christian marriage coach to help you prepare.  It is also important that you and your husband are in a safe setting as a coach can serve as a witness to your disclosure and can help guide the process. However, your coach is much more than that. You’ll be seeking the guidance of someone who bases everything on the Word of God, which should give you comfort in this difficult time.

If you would like to make an appointment to discuss the full disclosure of your sexual betrayal, please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also make an appointment online using my convenient online scheduler.   Going through full disclosure alone is difficult, but it’s much easier when you have someone you can lean on and trust to lead you, according to God’s Word.

 

Let’s Talk About Safe People

Let’s Talk About Safe People

If you’ve recently found out that your spouse has betrayed you sexually, (or if you’ve known for some time) your response is likely to be one of shock, disbelief and anger. It’s completely normal for you to feel as though you want to talk to someone about what you’ve discovered. However, the problem is that we tend to want to talk to too many of the wrong people.
Sexual sin is incredibly debilitating to a marriage relationship. You are hurt and once the shock wears off, you’re probably going to feel furious and as though you need to vent. Even so, it’s important to be sure you’re talking about the situation to the right type of people so that you can get the help you really need. You need to identify the difference between safe people and unsafe people.

UNSAFE PEOPLE

It might come as a surprise that many of the people you might naturally gravitate to for the purpose of discussing your spouse’s betrayal are unsafe people. Family members and friends often fall into this category simply because they may directly or indirectly blame you for what happened or assume that something is wrong with you that caused the betrayal. They may encourage you to run away from the problem or get a divorce, which is not always the answer when one spouse has cheated on another.

As a matter of fact, you even need to be very wise about whom you talk within your church. Their intentions are usually good, and they want what’s best for you, but sometimes those in the church community give advice that’s more harmful than good. For example, if you’re a wife whose husband has been unfaithful, they may tell you to seek out Scripture that directs you to submit to his sexual desires, which is advice that doesn’t take into consideration the root of the problem that caused the betrayal. It also minimizes the depth of your spouse’s sexual problems.

Simply put, unsafe people will give you unwanted advice. They will try to fix the situation simply because they are not comfortable with your grief and anger.
SAFE PEOPLE
An individual is a safe person to talk to if you already know this person will love you and accept you unconditionally. It’s natural for you to want to vent to someone who listens, but you need to be sure that the information you share is safe with him or her. You don’t need to talk with anyone who will gossip about you or your situation. Also, it’s not necessary for that person to attempt to fix anything. What is necessary is Biblical encouragement and prayer. The person you choose to vent to should be very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and should not be taken aback by your angry emotions.

 

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COACHING
The best person for you to talk to is a professional, Christian marriage coach who has training in the area of pornography and sexual addictions and there are a lot of reasons for this. Your counselor or coach will talk with you in depth about the situation you’re in and he or she will pray for you as well about what you should do next. You’ll find nothing but direction, acceptance and love as you work through the issues facing your marriage.
If you would like to make an appointment to talk with a Christian marriage coach, we’d love to hear from you. Your location is no problem.  Aside from meeting face-to-face, we work via Skype and phone.  You can contact us at 843-379-0288, or feel free to schedule your appointment using our online scheduler.
The issues you’re facing right now are difficult, and they require a lot of prayer and wise counsel before you proceed. We would love to help you. And, if you have been faced with unsafe people in your healing journey, we’d love to hear your story.  Send us a reply!
Top 4 Responses When Discovering Your Husband’s Sexual Betrayal

Top 4 Responses When Discovering Your Husband’s Sexual Betrayal

It’s never easy to face the fact that your spouse has betrayed you; especially when that comes in the form of some type of sexual betrayal.  If you’re not careful, you can find yourself falling into a lot of different traps that actually prevent you from grieving properly.

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

1. DENIAL AND MINIMIZING
You don’t want to believe that your spouse is involved in any type of  pornography, infidelity or sexual addiction. In fact, it’s much easier for you if you just pretend it doesn’t exist or you try to explain it away. It seems easier to ignore your feelings or repress your intuition that something’s not right. You may respond by quickly forgiving just to move on. Or, you make excuses for your spouse’s behavior despite the evidence. Deep down, you might realize that you’re not handling the situation properly, but it feels safer for you to deny it or minimize it.

2. ABANDONING THE RELATIONSHIP
Some people react the opposite way. You move out. Or you’re really eager to immediately file for divorce. Another way you may leave the relationship is to stay angry, keep late hours at work or sleep the day away.  People handle pain in different ways to escape the heartbreak of a betrayal. You might be surprised to find out that sometimes there are other ways you can find healing and restoration for your marriage.

3. FIXING THE DAMAGE
Perhaps you have been betrayed by your spouse and your first response is to try and fix the damage that’s been done. Maybe you find yourself constantly obsessing over where your spouse is, or you suddenly become a detective and try to find out all of his or her secrets. You might nag your spouse, buy books for him or her to read or even start dressing provocatively so that you can get some type of positive response. These tactics never work, and they don’t allow you to grieve well so that you can heal from the pain of the betrayal.

4. FOCUSING ON HEALING
Grieving is such a vital part of the healing process when there has been a sexual betrayal in marriage. It’s important for you to get the right kind of help when you’re facing these difficult situations. Find safe people who can speak into your life according to what the Word of God says. Share your soul with them and talk about the struggles you’re facing in your marriage, rather than denying them.

As far as how you should respond to your spouse, it’s important for you to refrain from trusting him or her too soon. You need to set limits in your marriage in order for you to be able to take the time you need to work through your feelings. You will go through several stages during this process, and it’s important for you to not only face the situation and see it for what it is, but you also need to take all the time you need without your spouse pressuring you to just forget about it and move on.

A Christian marriage coach and counselor is an excellent resource for you if you’re currently experiencing betrayal in your marriage. If you would like to make an appointment to talk with me, please contact us at 843-379-0288.  I have the tools and skills to help you on your healing journey.  Having the right type of support is important, and you can find the assistance you need.

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