Dr Carol Erb https://drcarolerb.com Dr. Carol Erb -Author, Speaker, Marriage Expert Mon, 29 Jul 2019 15:34:42 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.2.4 Your Husband’s Accountability Helps Rebuild Trust https://drcarolerb.com/your-husbands-accountability-helps-rebuild-trust/ Mon, 29 Jul 2019 15:30:07 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1507 Accountability is one of the most important parts of rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair. If you’re a woman whose husband has been unfaithful, and you’ve decided to look to God to heal your marriage, this is one tool that you can’t ignore. It will be so helpful for both of you to […]

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Accountability is one of the most important parts of rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair. If you’re a woman whose husband has been unfaithful, and you’ve decided to look to God to heal your marriage, this is one tool that you can’t ignore. It will be so helpful for both of you to know that your husband’s accountability helps rebuild trust.

If this is a new concept to you, I’d like to take a moment and share more about it. That way, you will understand how it is supposed to work, and what the expected outcome should be.

Choosing the Right Accountability Partners

In Hebrews 10:24-25, it says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

The Word of God encourages all of us to have accountability partners; people who will support us, guide us and direct us. With that in mind, how much more important to have someone your husband can rely on to keep him accountable? The only question is, how does your husband choose someone to fill that role?

It’s best for your husband to avoid choosing a family member, such as a parent or a father-in-law. The best accountability partners do not have any emotional ties to the situation at all. Your husband should choose men who are farther ahead in their walks with Jesus. This might be a role that your pastor could fill, or perhaps there’s someone in your church whom your husband has always admired for their relationship with God.

The Conditions of Accountability

While it is up to your husband who he chooses, he should be willing to allow you to approve or disapprove of his choice. You should feel comfortable with his accountability partner.  If you don’t, he should have no problem choosing someone else. Your husband needs to look for an accountability partner who is more mature and ahead of him spiritually.

In addition, an accountability partner needs to be ahead of your husband on their recovery journey.  It’s helpful if this man can help your husband work through the pitfalls he’ll encounter.  And your husband knows that you need to have an open line of communication with his accountability partner. That means that you should be able to call them at any time you may have a question or need an update on your husband’s progress.

What Does Staying Accountable Look Like?

Once your husband has chosen an accountability partner, he needs to connect with that person on a regular basis. It might be very tempting for him to ignore the relationship from time to time simply because he might not feel comfortable sharing and becoming vulnerable with another man. Many husbands may push back on this, but those who do typically have something to hide.

It’s best to talk about what you envision as accountability before the process even begins. As for yourself, how will you know if your husband is staying accountable? You may feel as though weekly meetings are sufficient, or even weekly phone calls. Maybe you would prefer for him to connect with his partner face-to-face once a week, and then have an additional phone call at another time.

No matter what you envision, your husband needs to be willing to accommodate that. He must remember that his accountability helps rebuild trust. The best part is that having an accountability partner may help him to cultivate a lifelong friendship. This friendship is one that he might not have had otherwise. Sharing with another Christian man who can hold him up and encourage him is vital in his healing journey.

Moving From Betrayal to Healing

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal can be so difficult, and yet, it can be so rewarding at the same time. So many couples have found healing for their marriages because they took the time to seek the Lord and His will for their lives. Your husband’s willingness to be accountable helps rebuild trust and that accountability can’t be minimized or ignored.

From Betrayal to Healing can take you through the process of healing and helps by providing accountability for rebuilding trust. These resources are built upon the Word of God. I believe that together, we can find the healing you are seeking.

God can restore your marriage. He will use the truth in His Word, accountability and His never-ending love to accomplish more than you could ever ask or imagine.

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Staying Transparent After An Affair https://drcarolerb.com/staying-transparent-after-an-affair/ Sat, 27 Jul 2019 21:18:36 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1502 Transparency is non-negotiable after a betrayal if you intend to rebuild the trust in your marriage. You husband’s staying transparent after an affair won’t come naturally to him. But it’s something he can work on. And, together, you can experience the beautiful changes that come into your marriage as a result. There’s a reason why […]

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Transparency is non-negotiable after a betrayal if you intend to rebuild the trust in your marriage. You husband’s staying transparent after an affair won’t come naturally to him. But it’s something he can work on. And, together, you can experience the beautiful changes that come into your marriage as a result.

There’s a reason why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Once an affair has made its way into your marriage, complete and total transparency (honesty) is a major part of the “glue” that will bring you back together. Let’s talk about what that looks like in more detail.

What is Transparency?

Transparency is best described by taking a look at its first appearance in the Bible; in the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The ultimate form of transparency is when a husband and wife are hiding nothing. But your husband’s affair was anything but transparent.  If fact your husband has become the exact opposite of that.

Being transparent means a few things:

  • No more lies being told.
  • No more secrets being kept.
  • No defensiveness when questions are asked.
  • No vague responses to questions.
  • No keeping any type of news from your spouse, whatsoever.

Of course, this also trickles down into every area of your lives. That means not having any secret bank accounts or social media accounts. It means sharing passwords for everything.  And never clearing the history on your phone or computer.

When a husband has spent so much time and energy hiding information, staying transparent after an affair is difficult. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

Providing Details Help in Staying Transparent after an Affair

As the betrayed wife, it’s understandable that you have questions. You may have questions about the affair itself.  Or, you may feel suspicious and “grill” your husband after a long day at the office. This is completely normal, and there’s a good reason for this behavior. You feel the way that you do because of his betrayal.

Husband, if your wife is constantly asking questions, it’s because she has doubts. She doesn’t feel as though she’s getting all the information she needs. For you, giving your wife as many details as possible can prevent long, drawn-out interrogations. Let your wife be the judge as far as how much she wants to know, and answer all of her questions with complete and total honesty.

It’s often easier for husbands to leave out details because they feel that they’re protecting their wives. But this actually hurts her more than the truth ever could. Wives don’t want their husbands hiding anything from them.  It’s only in total transparency that forgiveness and healing can take place.

Staying Transparent After an Affair Leads to Emotional Connection

Once you have reached the place where your husband is being transparent with you, you may find that you’re still disappointed. However, no matter how much he tells you, there will always be a desire to learn more. You’ll never be able to make complete sense of what your husband has done. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be healed. And, it doesn’t mean that your trust can’t be restored.

In 1 Corinthians 4:5, Paul says, “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.” The truth always comes to light. And when it does, amazing things happen to God’s children.

Staying transparent after an affair is the best way for your husband to restore emotional intimacy with you. It allows him to connect with you on levels you may not have ever experienced before. When your husband is honest with you, he provides you with details and answers your questions. Then, God can work in your marriage. He can work in your husband too. God will provide the type of healing that only He can.

Moving From Betrayal to Healing

Right now, it may not seem as though healing is in store for you or your marriage. Even if you and your husband have decided to reconcile, the road ahead may seem long, and frankly, impossible to maneuver. It is, but only if you walk it alone.

I created From Betrayal to Healing for women like you. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and affairs are much too common; even among Christians. But these resources can provide you with the support and help you need from a Biblical perspective.

The guidance you need to get through this troubling time is available. Together, we can seek God’s will for your marriage and start the healing process He intends for you to experience.

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Your Husband’s Relationship with God https://drcarolerb.com/your-husbands-relationship-with-god/ Sat, 27 Jul 2019 20:42:40 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1498 When rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair, your husband’s relationship with God is essential for both of you. It is especially important for your husband to seek God’s heart and continue to grow in his faith. However, couples in this situation aren’t sure where to begin.  Consequently, they need to do in order […]

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When rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair, your husband’s relationship with God is essential for both of you. It is especially important for your husband to seek God’s heart and continue to grow in his faith. However, couples in this situation aren’t sure where to begin.  Consequently, they need to do in order to grow in their relationship with the Lord.

Fortunately, God has given us a complete instruction manual in His Word. Let’s talk about what the Bible has to say about your husband’s spiritual commitment in light of his recent betrayal.

Your Husband’s Relationship with God Begins with Repentance and Forgiveness

Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That verse is powerful, and while it doesn’t justify your husband’s affair, it does indicate that he’s not alone. Sin is a part of the world we live in, but remaining in it should never be an option. We are so blessed that God has forgiveness in store for us.  However in order to access it, we must turn from our sinful ways..

In Luke 5:32, Jesus said, “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” According to Merriam-Webster, the word repent means, “To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life.”

Repentance is crucial for your husband. If he is a believer he has been given an obedient heart and isn’t wired to sin.  On the other hand, if he’s an unbeliever he hasn’t received God’s forgiveness, confessed and turned from his sin. I John 1:8-9 “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

This is first place to start if your husband is an unbeliever.  Respectfully request that he talk with your pastor, or another spiritual leader in your church.  You will see a difference when your husband’s relationship with God begins to show change. Once that happens, the healing process can really begin for you both.

Healing After an Affair Through Spiritual Leadership

In Galatians 3:28, the Bible states that men and women are equal. But that doesn’t mean that your husband shouldn’t assume his role as the spiritual leader of your home. After all, it is a role that God assigned to him. In Colossians 3:19, Paul instructed, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul also emphasizes the importance of husbands leading their wives. He says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Being a spiritual leader may be a foreign concept to your husband. Or, it could be that after the affair, he doesn’t feel prepared to lead properly. Again, talking with your pastor can really make a big difference in your husband’s relationship with God. And it will help him envision and put into practice spiritual leadership in your home.

Continuing to Grow in Faith

Finally, your husband should continue to grow in his faith and in his relationship with God. There are many ways that he can do this, such as:

  • Making church attendance his first priority.
  • Getting involved in a men’s Bible study.
  • Committing to a small group.
  • Attending a men’s group at your church.
  • Reading his Bible daily.

As he grows, and as God works in him, you will probably begin to see him get interested in more than one. That is the way your husband’s relationship with God should progress. Consequently, it will help you as he lives for God and learns how to rebuild your trust after an affair.

Finding Support After an Affair

You don’t have to go through these challenges on your own. Perhaps you’re a woman whose husband has recently had an affair and the two of you have decided to reconcile. That is such a blessing, but it will also take a lot of healing as you rebuild that trust.

From Betrayal to Healing can be a powerful source of support for you after your husband’s affair. You undoubtedly have so many questions that need to be answered.  Additionally you have multiple issues that have to be worked through. I would love to partner with you and walk by your side as you go through this process.

Trust can be rebuilt. Hearts can be healed. God says it in His Word, and He has never lied. I hope you’ll join me.

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3 Ways to Manage Social Media After an Affair https://drcarolerb.com/3-ways-to-manage-social-media-after-an-affair/ Wed, 26 Jun 2019 14:20:32 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1484 Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or […]

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Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or online. You’ll naturally want to know the right way to manage social media after an affair.

The reality is that after an affair, there must be a policy of total openness and honesty.  If you feel your husband is hiding anything, you can’t build trust.  Moving forward you will need access to everything and should have the ability to access what was otherwise considered private.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to help.  This article is mainly about social media. However, not only does your husband need to give you access to his social media accounts, he also will need to give you access to his email accounts, cell phone, computer, iPad, wallet, bank account and safety deposit box just a name a few.   The bottom line is your husband has just lost his privacy. Let’s talk about that some more.

Surrendering Social Media

Truthfully, a new way to cheat was invented when social media came about. Suddenly, people started spending extended periods of time on their computers and phones, connecting with people from their past. It’s not surprising that many of those connections are old flames.

For husbands, the answer to avoid getting caught in the social media trap is to surrender it altogether. It might not be easy because websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can cause an addiction to lust in some cases. But your trust was destroyed by your husband’s affair and your heart needs to be protected. Disappearing from social media is one way that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage. This is especially true if the affair began because of social media.

Installing Filtering and Monitoring

When a husband’s affair begins on social media, you will be worried about him continuing to use these sites on his devices.  One of the fastest ways to begin rebuilding trust is to install an internet filter and monitoring software on all devices.  You will have the ability to block sites, keywords and various domains.

Monitoring software records internet history. A report with internet usage will be created and can be emailed to your husband’s accountability partner(s).  It is helpful for you to receive a report as well. Do be aware that often these programs can sometimes show a “false positive.”  If this happens it’s important to observe your husband’s reactions.  If he’s genuinely concerned fine.  If he get’s angry and defensive, that’s a red flag.

You can easily determine if installing filtering and monitoring software is the right path for you by reviewing information on Google.  Examples of  software  monitoring programs are X3watch and Covenant Eyes.

A husband who wants to work on your marriage will understand you need to hold him accountable with his internet activity. He will be more than happy to do what it takes to rebuild trust.

Erasing Browsing History

One surefire way to signal guilt is if you find your husband deleting any browsing history.  It looks suspicious to you.  If your husband is deleting history on his internet browsers, cell phone texts, voicemails, emails, computer files, etc. it will sound an alarm that he’s hiding something. If you suspect this is happening ask him to clarify anything that seems confusing to you.

One way to avoid this problem is for your husband to sit down with you and have you watch him while he deletes history on his devices. When your husband is willing to be accountable when you have questions he is building your trust.  If he reacts and pushes back he will damage your trust.

Investing in Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling

In the world we live in, anything and everything is vying for our attention. Social media is just one example, and there are many others. It can be so easy to get deterred by the lure of it, but that does not mean your marriage has to end as a result.

Christian marriage coaching and counseling can be so helpful and life-changing. It makes such a difference to have someone to talk with about these types of problems, but you want to make sure that the guidance and direction you receive is centered on God’s Word.

The reality is that social media is powerful, and when it is misused, it can destroy a marriage. This is especially true after an affair that begins on social media. That does not have to happen to you and your husband. Together, we can find solid solutions that are based on Scripture to help you rebuild your marriage on truth.

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Boundaries on the Job After a Work-Related Affair https://drcarolerb.com/boundaries-on-the-job-after-a-work-related-affair/ Sat, 22 Jun 2019 19:09:15 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1481 If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain. But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust […]

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If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain.

But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust and healing your marriage. That is a commendable decision, and it can be a really difficult one to make. It can be so helpful to know how to set appropriate boundaries on the job. Therefore, you need to know that your husband is being faithful to you when he’s at work. In doing so, he will need to be doing his part to provide you with a sense of security you need while he’s on the job.

Committing to Never Spending Time Alone With a Co-Worker

It’s normal to have a favorite co-worker at the office or on the job. But your husband should not choose a favorite who is a woman. Doing so puts your marriage in jeopardy because it can lead to communications that can quickly become inappropriate.

When a husband has had a work-related affair, he should maintain clearly drawn lines you set for him. Your husband and the opposite sex should never spend time alone with each other. There can be no physical contact except an appropriate handshake.  And he should avoid any type of behavior that you would not approve of.

That includes getting in the elevator with another woman going for walks, texting, and minimizing business travel.  After a husband has an affair he will do well to eliminate or greatly reduce time that allows for one-on-one interaction with a female. He must take your sense of security extremely seriously.

Committing to Avoid Sharing Details About His Marriage

Women are, by default, really good listeners. Men recognize this, which is why so many men gravitate toward women they work with when they have affairs. In addition to being more discreet in many ways, women at work provide them with someone they can confide in.

Your husband should commit to not sharing anything about your marriage with another woman at work. Whether that means venting about something that bothers him, or sharing something that he had only previously shared with you. Providing any type of information like that is only a way to build intimacy with someone who is not his wife.

Committing to His Work Schedule

There may be some jobs that offer flexible hours, or even require late nights or early mornings. But for the most part, your husband probably has a start time and a stop time at his job. He should be willing to make a commitment to you to come home immediately after work. So many affairs start because the husband uses the excuse of having to work late.

If your husband truly does have to work late, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be in communication with you frequently during that time. That way, you will feel more assured that his lateness is truly because of something unavoidable at work.

Have You Been Betrayed Because of an Affair?

Perhaps you are in this situation yourself, and your spouse recently disclosed a work-related affair. It’s understandable how you feel, and the pain you are having is very real. But please know that healing is possible.

You may be in a position where both you and your spouse are willing to work through the affair so you can reconcile. Or, you may be contemplating separation. It is also possible that you aren’t sure what to do, or where to turn.

The Word of God has so much to say about your situation. God has healing in store for you, and together, we can take the steps to see that healing manifested in your life. The road you’re on may seem lonely and endless right now, but you can go from betrayal to healing.

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Rebuilding Intimacy In Marriage After An Affair https://drcarolerb.com/rebuilding-intimacy-in-marriage-after-your-husbands-affair/ Fri, 21 Jun 2019 18:47:25 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1471 If you have either found out about, or your husband has disclosed his affair, it’s possible that you have decided to work on rebuilding your marriage. That is a wonderful decision, and you can be assured that God has healing in store for you. But in addition to rebuilding your trust, it’s also important to […]

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If you have either found out about, or your husband has disclosed his affair, it’s possible that you have decided to work on rebuilding your marriage. That is a wonderful decision, and you can be assured that God has healing in store for you. But in addition to rebuilding your trust, it’s also important to focus on rebuilding intimacy and its place in your relationship with your husband.

The subject of intimacy is an interesting one to bring up in marriage.  Most couples really do not know what it means. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean sex; although that can be a part of it. So many couples say that they just don’t feel connected with one another especially after an affair.  That’s primarily because intimacy is missing within their marriages.

So, the best time to focus on rebuilding intimacy is after an affair has occurred. There are several different types of intimacy. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss them briefly.

Spiritual Intimacy

I’ve listed this one first because it’s the most important. In fact, when you have spiritual intimacy with your spouse, every other type just tends to fall into place.

Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of the marriage. It involves spending time in the Word together, praying together and worshiping together. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Those are such powerful words, and ones that we should certainly take to heart.

When this type of intimacy is missing in a Christian marriage, there are bound to be problems. Every couple is busy, but it’s worth taking the time to rebuild intimacy and make sure God is first in your relationship.

This is especially true when your husband has had an affair. You should focus on God and allow Him to work in you first and foremost.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy refers to the act of sharing experiences with one another and experiencing feelings. This can be difficult for men to do.  They don’t always like to focus on how they feel. Instead, they’re taught to put their emotions aside and focus on the facts. That’s why so many women end up frustrated with their husbands.

Women feel most connected to their husbands when the emotional intimacy in the marriage is high. For men, they feel most connected when the physical intimacy is high.  Husbands and wives are called to fulfill each other’s needs. So the emotional intimacy part of marriage should never be ignored.

Both husbands and wives should feel completely comfortable in sharing openly with each other. It’s so important to rebuild intimacy through emotional bonds. But your husband may not realize his need for this, and the lack of it could be what led to the affair.

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy means connecting with one another through discussing various issues together. Topics can be serious (like discussing politics), or they can be lighthearted (like discussing a favorite TV show). This type of intimacy fosters an incredible mental connection with the other person.

Intellectual intimacy is usually the highest during the beginning of a relationship.  Typically because the couple is still getting to know one another. Over time, both husbands and wives begin to assume that they know how the other partner feels about various subjects. Quite often, that discussion stops.

Cultivating intellectual intimacy is something that every couple needs to do to have a healthy, thriving marriage. During the healing process from an affair, it can create new connections that are needed to rebuild a couple’s friendship. It’s truly amazing to immerse yourself into the world of how another person thinks, and it contributes to the bond you share together.

Physical Intimacy

While physical intimacy includes sex, it is not only about sex. It also involves non-sexual physical touch, like holding hands or cuddling on the couch. It can be a difficult area to navigate because men often think that any physical intimacy is an invitation for sex. That’s not the case for most women, who typically thrive on those non-sexual ways of expressing their love.

Of all of the different types of intimacy, this one is the most important one to men. This is something that women need to realize. Men tend to feel that they have strong marriages when sexual physical intimacy is the highest. Considering the fact that Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love,” we know God has ordained sex for marriage and that it is blessed.

After an affair, physical intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. But that doesn’t make it any less essential. It can be helpful to talk with a professional to work through the issues that are making it difficult to enjoy this level of intimacy with your husband.

Putting the Intimacy Back Into Your Marriage

A marriage that is filled with intimacy is one that will be fulfilling for both the husband and the wife. But when it’s been missing for so long, it can be hard to get it back.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, it gives me so much joy to help couples rebuild intimacy they used to have once again. As they start the process of rediscovering one another, they often find that they fall in love all over again. It’s a beautiful sight, and I can help you in the same way.

Intimacy is the most important part of marriage because it covers so many areas. If your marriage is missing it,  especially after an affair all hope is not lost. God has healing in store for you, and I can help to guide you through the process.

 

 

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Honesty in Marriage After an Affair https://drcarolerb.com/honesty-in-marriage-after-an-affair/ Fri, 21 Jun 2019 18:05:30 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1463 When you realized that your husband had been having an affair, you were presented with a choice. You either had to decide to separate and possibly divorce, or you had to work through his betrayal. It might have been a hard decision, but if you both agreed to work through it, then nothing is as […]

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When you realized that your husband had been having an affair, you were presented with a choice. You either had to decide to separate and possibly divorce, or you had to work through his betrayal. It might have been a hard decision, but if you both agreed to work through it, then nothing is as important to you right now than honesty and telling the truth.

One of the biggest consequences of an affair – even for couples who decide to work it out – is the loss of trust. Once trust is gone, it can be so challenging to get it back. It can be done, but it definitely takes work.

There are some steps your husband can take to begin the process of restoring trust in your marriage. Let’s talk about what they are.

Commit to Rigorous Honesty

Husbands who have been unfaithful may be in such a pattern of dishonesty that it feels odd for them to tell the truth. Their knee-jerk reaction may be to continue lying, but to do it in a way that is more effective. Unfortunately, those lies pile up and they end up doing nothing to build trust.

Rigorous honesty may not be easy, and it is certainly isn’t fun. It means telling their wives about everything. So they need to be honest about things that might hurt them and make them look bad, as well as things that are not exactly convenient to confide.

Telling the truth quickly is the key, and wives should always be kept in the loop about everything from how much money was spent that day and on what, to any type of questionable social interaction.

As your husband’s wife, you have the right to expect this type of honesty. After an affair, it is more important that you get it now than ever before.

Commit to the Relationship Restoration Process

A lot of husbands quickly become frustrated when they have to wait for trust to be restored in their marriages. They often fall into the trap of thinking that as long as the infidelity stopped, everything should be fine. But that isn’t the way it works at all.

As the betrayed spouse, the hurt and the pain that you feel cuts deep. It’s not something that can be healed just because the action that caused it has stopped. It takes time to get the kind of healing you need, and it’s something that only God can do for you.

Your husband needs to understand what it means to commit to the relationship restoration process. That means absolute honesty about everything all the time, maintaining a commitment to change, and abide by the boundaries set forth in marriage.

Committing to Honesty and Making the Marriage Work

If your husband has made a commitment with you to work on your marriage, that’s wonderful. As believers, we know that relying on God to help us and heal our marriages is exactly what we need to do. But it isn’t always easy to stay on track, and it can be helpful to have someone working alongside you to help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have been able to help so many couples work through their differences. You may be going through the pain of an affair, and are are struggling with what to do and how to move forward. Others may be headed in the direction of an affair, and it all goes back to their issues with honesty and transparency.

God talks about the importance of honesty in so many places in His Word. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” The Bible is a wonderful blueprint for our lives, but sometimes people need guidance in order to see its truths and apply them to their lives.

I can help you if you are struggling because of an affair in your marriage. Together, we can make a plan to help you both make a commitment to honesty as we seek God together. When honesty is applied to marriage, the result is something beautiful. I would love to help you begin your journey toward healing.

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How Long Do Affairs Last? https://drcarolerb.com/how-long-do-affairs-last/ Tue, 05 Mar 2019 15:22:35 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1402 When you learn that your spouse is having an affair, it can turn your entire world...

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How Long Do Affairs Last?

When you learn that your spouse is having an affair, it can turn your entire world upside down. A lot of wives wonder, how long do affairs last? They may be confused about how long their husband has been cheating, or they may wonder how long the behavior might possibly continue.

It’s normal to ask a lot of questions once you learn that your spouse is having an affair. This is one that should definitely be answered.

Many Factors Determine How Long Affairs Last

It’s really hard to say with certainty how long affairs last. There are some types of infidelities that only last one night. Others can continue on for many, many years. But the average affair is usually over by about six months.

Again, that is an average. You shouldn’t look at the length of your spouse’s affair in comparison. Your situation might be completely different.

It’s possible that there is a better question we should be asking here. How about, is your husband ready end the affair and break off that relationship?

What Should You Do if You Discover Your Spouse Has Been Cheating?

There is nothing quite as painful as realizing that your husband has been cheating. This is especially true as a Christian. You assumed the best of your spouse, and their betrayal is gut-wrenching. But now that you know about the affair, you need to find out if he’s willing to end it.

This will go one of two ways. Your husband may show signs he’s willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win your heart back. He may even be relieved that you found out about it. Or, he may blame you for his affair move in with his betrayal partner and sacrifice your marriage in the process.

The good news is that 70% of marriages that experience affairs don’t end in divorce.

Nonetheless, in either scenario, there will be pain involved. One carries the pain of healing from a broken marriage; working to put the pieces back together again. The other involves working through the pain of your betrayal trauma and beginning a new life without your husband. Fortunately, neither is a road that you need to walk alone.

John 14:18 reads:  I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you.

How Can a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor Help You?

A Christian marriage coach and counselor I can help you as you go through this difficult time. I can provide you with the Christian counsel that you need if your husband decides to end the marriage. If you decide to try and reconcile, I can provide you the support that’s necessary to help you have a marriage that was stronger than before.

Getting the answer to your question, how long do affairs last? is important. But it’s better to focus on your own situation and what is happening within your marriage. Only then will you be able to decide what your next steps will be. Would you like to learn more about the next steps for you after your husband’s affair? I would love to help you with that.

 

 

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How to Deal With a Cheating Husband Biblically https://drcarolerb.com/how-to-deal-with-a-cheating-husband-biblically/ Mon, 04 Mar 2019 16:47:30 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1415 When your husband cheats on you, you are overwhelmed and confused about what you...

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When your husband cheats on you, you’re overwhelmed and confused about what you should do. A lot of women believe that the right thing to do is to stay and try to work it out no matter how abusive their husband is towards them. Others feel as though their marriage covenant has been violated beyond repair. The reality is God want you to confront a cheating husband in a way that is biblical.

I Timothy 5:20 reads: To them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. 

Your marriage is sacred, and when your husband chooses to violate it, it leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions. You are feeling shock, anger, depression just to name a few. It’s important for you to know what your next steps should be.

How to Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically: Your First Step Should be Prayer

For and foremost ask God to protect, comfort, guide and strength you through this trial. It will only weigh on your mind more and more if you neglect to bring this issue before the Lord. You may start thinking about different scenarios, and turning to friends and family who likely will not offer you the best advice about what you should do. Typically they are too emotionally involved. First and foremost, pray for yourself, for your husband and who to go to for counsel. It will help you much more than you probably realize.

Wait to Talk to Your Husband

Secondly, you may be tempted to want to immediately know every detail of his affair.  You probably have a lot of questions, and your husband should be willing to reveal all the facts. But there is a time and place for this conversation.  A disclosure conversation should take place during a formal procedure with an experienced and trained facilitator such as a counselor, pastor or trusted third party. Disclosures are common in marriage counseling and there is a process for them that keeps the conversation on track and ensures both sides are heard and feel safe.

Asking the Right Questions 

It’s helpful to ask questions like:

  • When did you affair begin?
  • Where did you meet your betrayal partner?
  • What devices did you use to communicate with your betrayal partner?
  • Is this why we stopped having sex 

Avoiding Ill-Advised Questions

It is not helpful to ask questions like:

  • What is her name?
  • What did she do for you that I didn’t?
  • Do think about her when we have sex?
  • What exactly did you do in bed together?

You may want to know all the intimate details or you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. This is very normal.  I have yet to hold a disclosure session where the wife didn’t learn something new. You should have this talk in a place that is free from all distractions so you can concentrate on each other.

You should drive separately to the disclosure meeting and arrange for childcare if needed so that you have 24-hours after the conversation without contact with your spouse to process your feelings.  Spend the day or night with a trusted friend.

During the disclosure conversation I have seen husbands be sincerely remorseful and sorrowful about cheating. Others are angry and tight-lipped, acting act like his affair is your fault.  You’ll likely know where your marriage is headed based on his response.

Research as shown that 86% of couples who have an open and honest disclosure conversation remain married and rebuild trust.

Consider Working with an Experienced Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor

Proverbs 15:22 it states: “Where there is no counsel the people fall.”

It’s possible that wasn’t your husband’s first affair and he crossed a line with you, and you don’t believe that your marriage can ever be the same. Or, maybe he doesn’t have a desire to work on your relationship so that it can heal. If that’s  the case, I can help you through it.

Of course, it’s also possible that your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Maybe you don’t see how it can help, but you’re willing to try. If that’s the way you both feel, I can help you with that as well.

Research has shown that when working with a trained counselor and learning how to deal with cheating husband biblically, 96% of betraying spouses and 93% of betrayed spouses felt it was in their best interest to have a third party go through the disclosure process with them.

If you would like to talk with me about how I can help, please email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or schedule a complimentary consultation at drcarolerb.com.

Regardless, I understand that you are going through one of the hardest times of your life. It’s hard to know how to deal with a cheating husband biblically. Right now things might feel hopeless, but I want to assure you that they’re not. Together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage.  I’ll see you next time and until then I send you grace and peace.  And remember.  You matter.

 

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How to Catch Him Cheating https://drcarolerb.com/how-to-catch-him-cheating/ Wed, 30 Jan 2019 03:43:08 +0000 https://drcarolerb.com/?p=1398 Click to Subscribe How to Catch Him Cheating Perhaps you suspect that your husband is having an affair.  In your gut you’re feeling something is off. The thought of it is consuming you, and it’s hard to think about anything else. Your main thought is, how to catch him cheating?, and you feel as though […]

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How to Catch Him Cheating

Perhaps you suspect that your husband is having an affair.  In your gut you’re feeling something is off. The thought of it is consuming you, and it’s hard to think about anything else. Your main thought is, how to catch him cheating?, and you feel as though you won’t rest until you find the answer.

As someone who has dealt with infidelity in marriage before, I completely understand. When a cheating husband has a routine down, it can be hard to catch him. But there are some ways it may be possible.

How to Catch Him Cheating: Look for Signs

Cheating husbands often give off many different signs that indicate they might be being unfaithful. Some of the signs you might want to start looking for include:

  • Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
  • Hiding their phone, and/or always keeping it hidden from your field of vision.
  • Brushing off future plans, such as planning to buy a home or having children.
  • Spending a lot more money than usual, or there is money unaccounted for.
  • Staying at work until late at night.

Of course, these are only a few of the more common signs that indicate someone might be cheating. But they are definitely among the top ones to look for.

Getting Solid Evidence of the Affair

It’s possible that you’ve tried to talk with your husband and let him know of your suspicions. Most men will be adamant that there’s nothing going on, which makes you feel like you’re being played.  You question yourself. This only means you need to get some more concrete information.

There are several things you can do, such as:

  • Checking his email and his trash folder. You may find something there that proves he is being unfaithful.
  • Stop by his office. If he is having an affair with someone at work, you’ll likely be able to tell if he feels uncomfortable with you there.
  • Look at his phone. Try to find a time when his phone is accessible to you and look at his calls and messages.
  • Come home unexpectedly. This is often the best way to catch a husband cheating; especially if you were supposed to be out of town.
  • Confront him on lies he has told, or dates he has canceled. The way that he responds may give you some clues as to whether or not he is cheating.

Proverbs 22:12- The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

What if You Fail to Get Things Sorted Out?

Rather than asking, how to catch him cheating?, you might want to consider the help of a third party.  Why not ask, how can I begin to take care of myself? The answer to that question is by working with a counselor that can help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I can give you a lot of guidance through your situation.  I’ve walked in your shoes. Even if your husband hasn’t confessed, and you have no solid evidence, or you’re minimizing what you’ve discovered, you still need support to resolve things.

I can provide you with the help you need during this troubling time. What you’re facing is difficult, but as a Christian woman, I can tell you that I know there are answers. You’re not alone. Together, and with God’s help, you can feel less vulnerable and more in control.

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