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How to Deal With a Cheating Husband Biblically

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When your husband cheats on you, you’re overwhelmed and confused about what you should do. A lot of women believe that the right thing to do is to stay and try to work it out no matter how abusive their husband is towards them. Others feel as though their marriage covenant has been violated beyond repair. The reality is God want you to confront a cheating husband in a way that is biblical.

I Timothy 5:20 reads: To them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. 

Your marriage is sacred, and when your husband chooses to violate it, it leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions. You are feeling shock, anger, depression just to name a few. It’s important for you to know what your next steps should be.

How to Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically: Your First Step Should be Prayer

For and foremost ask God to protect, comfort, guide and strength you through this trial. It will only weigh on your mind more and more if you neglect to bring this issue before the Lord. You may start thinking about different scenarios, and turning to friends and family who likely will not offer you the best advice about what you should do. Typically they are too emotionally involved. First and foremost, pray for yourself, for your husband and who to go to for counsel. It will help you much more than you probably realize.

Wait to Talk to Your Husband

Secondly, you may be tempted to want to immediately know every detail of his affair.  You probably have a lot of questions, and your husband should be willing to reveal all the facts. But there is a time and place for this conversation.  A disclosure conversation should take place during a formal procedure with an experienced and trained facilitator such as a counselor, pastor or trusted third party. Disclosures are common in marriage counseling and there is a process for them that keeps the conversation on track and ensures both sides are heard and feel safe.

Asking the Right Questions 

It’s helpful to ask questions like:

  • When did you affair begin?
  • Where did you meet your betrayal partner?
  • What devices did you use to communicate with your betrayal partner?
  • Is this why we stopped having sex 

Avoiding Ill-Advised Questions

It is not helpful to ask questions like:

  • What is her name?
  • What did she do for you that I didn’t?
  • Do think about her when we have sex?
  • What exactly did you do in bed together?

You may want to know all the intimate details or you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. This is very normal.  I have yet to hold a disclosure session where the wife didn’t learn something new. You should have this talk in a place that is free from all distractions so you can concentrate on each other.

You should drive separately to the disclosure meeting and arrange for childcare if needed so that you have 24-hours after the conversation without contact with your spouse to process your feelings.  Spend the day or night with a trusted friend.

During the disclosure conversation I have seen husbands be sincerely remorseful and sorrowful about cheating. Others are angry and tight-lipped, acting act like his affair is your fault.  You’ll likely know where your marriage is headed based on his response.

Research as shown that 86% of couples who have an open and honest disclosure conversation remain married and rebuild trust.

Consider Working with an Experienced Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor

Proverbs 15:22 it states: “Where there is no counsel the people fall.”

It’s possible that wasn’t your husband’s first affair and he crossed a line with you, and you don’t believe that your marriage can ever be the same. Or, maybe he doesn’t have a desire to work on your relationship so that it can heal. If that’s  the case, I can help you through it.

Of course, it’s also possible that your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Maybe you don’t see how it can help, but you’re willing to try. If that’s the way you both feel, I can help you with that as well.

Research has shown that when working with a trained counselor and learning how to deal with cheating husband biblically, 96% of betraying spouses and 93% of betrayed spouses felt it was in their best interest to have a third party go through the disclosure process with them.

If you would like to talk with me about how I can help, please email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or schedule a complimentary consultation at drcarolerb.com.

Regardless, I understand that you are going through one of the hardest times of your life. It’s hard to know how to deal with a cheating husband biblically. Right now things might feel hopeless, but I want to assure you that they’re not. Together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage.  I’ll see you next time and until then I send you grace and peace.  And remember.  You matter.

 

Why Did God Let Infidelity Happen To Me?

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A thought many women have once they discover their husband has betrayed them is: “God, why did you let this happen?” This is a question that many women ask when they’re faced with the reality of an infidelity or if sexual addiction taking over their marriages. Perhaps you feel this way too. You’ve been doing your very best to live your life purely before the Lord. You read your Bible, you attend church, you pray, and you serve God in everything you do. You know you’re not perfect, but you’re doing your best and relying on God to give you the strength to be obedient to Him.

Discovering that your husband has hidden sin can shatter your entire world, not to mention your marriage. You experience an entire range of emotions, including:

  • Grief
  • Anger
  • Bitterness
  • Mistrust
  • Sadness

Above you, you would like to know the answer to the question, why did God let this happen? and life can be very confusing for you until you find it.

The Gift of Free Will and the Sovereignty of God

Genesis 3:6 says, “The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.”

Free will is something that God placed within us as humans because He wants us to be able to choose to love Him or not. He wants us to choose to trust Him, and He doesn’t desire to have people who are forced to be obedient. Our God is a genuine God, and He wants our love for Him to be just as genuine. Just as Eve exercised her free will when she choose to eat the fruit from the tree, your husband has also exercised his free will.

This does not mean that God is not sovereign. He is. In fact He is referred to as sovereign more than 300 times in scripture. Just because your husband made the decision to sin, that does not mean that God is not still in control.

All Things Work Together for Good

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Even though it may seem difficult to understand, God is in the process right now of working this betrayal out for your good. Yes, it will hurt, and it may continue to hurt for quite some time. Pruning is painful, but it is something that God allows to happen in our lives from time to time. God’s ultimate goal for you is that you will bear more fruit in your life, but that only occurs when you’re able to trust in Him, despite the circumstances you’re facing. It is so important for you to be aware of this pruning process so that you don’t become bitter, angry or mistrustful about what God is doing in your life.

 

There are so many stories in the Bible of times when God worked miracles out of something that seemed to be terrible situations. Consider Joseph as he was in prison when he did nothing wrong, or the story of the birth of the Savior to a virgin woman who could have been stoned for being an adulteress. God will work this out for your good, and if you place your trust in His ability to do it, He will bless you.

 

Help from a Christian Marriage Coach

 

The pain you are experiencing is so very real, but please, do not be caught in a trap of placing the blame on God. God loves you so very much, and He wants nothing more than your healing and restoration.

 

It can help to talk with someone who understands God’s Word and His direction for your life if you’re facing the reality of a betrayal in your marriage. If you would like to reach me you may do so at hello@drcarolerb.com .  Or if you would like to speak with me go to my website drcarolerb.com and schedule a time for us to talk. . I’ve been able to help so many women navigate these difficult waters.  And, I would love to support you.  Hangeth thou in there and I’m sending you God’s grace and peace.

 

 

How To Deal With Emotional Triggers After an Affair

 

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I want to address something that occurs for all women who’ve been sexually betrayed.  It’s called triggers.  Also known as a meltdown. A trigger is something that sets off a memory, which takes you back to the event of your original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. Triggers might be one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. Unfortunately, they are quite common, and the betrayed spouse will often experience them when encountering certain locations, words or events that remind them of the betrayal they experienced in their marriage. If you’re not careful, triggers can take over your life; even causing you to avoid going to events or to places that bring up thoughts that you don’t want to think about.

It’s possible that you’ve noticed some triggers in your own life, and in your marriage that is starting to affect the way you live your life. Let’s talk about what some common triggers are and how you can cope with them.Trigger #1: Your Home

Unfortunately, in many marriages, the infidelity that occurred often took place in the couple’s home. When this is discovered, it can be so heartbreaking, and it isn’t surprising that many betrayed spouses begin to view their home as something they despise. If your spouse has disclosed that sexual relations between him and his lover took place in your home, this is a powerful trigger for you. It’s normal for you to want to move, and if you choose to do so, and your spouse should support you in that if he is willing to work on rebuilding your marriage.

Trigger #2: People Who Knew of the Affair

There are usually more people who know of an affair, other than just the two people involved. These individuals may be co-workers, friends or family members. Sometimes, an affair is minimized or even accepted by those who know about it. The knowledge of an affair can make these individuals triggers for you, and you may not want to spend time with them. However, there are some cases when confronting them is warranted; especially if they are family members or mutual friends. Whether you choose to confront them and attempt to repair your relationship with them eventually, or you opt to remove them from your life for the time being, that is a decision that you spouse should support.

Trigger #3: Suspicious Behaviors

When you think back to the time before you realized your spouse was having an affair, you may notice that there were many behaviors that should have cued you in to what was going on. For example, you might remember long nights at the office,  overnight business trips, flirtatious behavior with other women, you could recall picking up your spouse’s phone and finding that all of his text messages had been erased. These behaviors can be triggers too, and even though they might be innocent now, they can alert you to the possibility of another affair. Talk with your spouse about how these behaviors affect you, and ask him to make changes.

Trigger #4: Distant Behavior

Quite often, there is a distance that is felt between a husband and a wife before an affair is revealed, and while it’s impossible to immediately get back the closeness you once shared, your spouse should be making an effort to close in the distance between you as much as possible. Distant behavior can be a major trigger, and it’s up to your spouse to help remove it.

If your marriage has recently suffered through a betrayal, I can assist you with understanding what triggers are affecting you, and work with you to help you get on a path to healing.  You can reach me at hello@drcarolerb.com or if you’d like to speak with me you can schedule a time for us to talk.

Anger After Discovering Your Spouse’s Affair

Anger After Discovering Your Spouse’s Affair

Discovering that your spouse has had an affair you causes a range of emotions. You’re hurt, you’re confused, and eventually, you become angry. In this situation, you’re right to be angry because of what he has done. However, it’s important to understand that the anger you’re experiencing is only a temporary emotion, and there are right ways and wrong ways to express it, according to God’s Word.

YOUR ANGER AT YOUR SPOUSE’S AFFAIR AND YOUR INITIAL RESPONSES

Once the anger stage sets in, we rarely think rationally about our responses. At that point, we’re basically operating solely on our emotions, and that can be a dangerous place to be. Have you reacted in any of these ways?

  • Verbally bashing your spouse – Responding verbally can mean calling your spouse names, looking for excuses to get into shouting matches with him, or putting him down any chance you get. These responses only lead to resentment and they don’t do anything to heal your marriage, or your heart.
  • Non-verbally bashing your spouse – It is possible to bash your spouse in non-verbal ways, and we do this with gestures, with angry looks, or even just purposefully ignoring them.
  • Suppressing your anger – You feel angry on the inside, but you’re working really hard to hold it in. Maybe you don’t want to give in to it because you’re afraid it will make you appear weak, or it’s possible that you just don’t want to start an argument. This type of response might seem like the right one at first, but it can lead to a host of mental and physical problems for you later on.
  • Passive-aggressive behavior – Some become masters at passive aggressive anger, and maybe you have too. You may “forget” to complete a task your spouse has asked you to do, or you might begin being chronically late, or respond to them with sarcasm.
  • Complaining about your spouse – We often refer to this as “venting” and everyone feels as though they have the right to vent at some point. However, what you’re really doing is complaining, and you’re only feeding into the anger you already feel, instead of helping to heal it.
  • Physical aggression – Some act out in physically aggressive ways, and while they might not hit their spouse they will hit walls, throw objects across the room, or break things. It might feel good in the moment to react in this way, but it’s certainly not healthy.

ANGER ACCORDING TO GOD’S WORD

It may feel right for you to respond with emotional anger, but that kind of response never really helps you find a solution. God knew that we were all going to struggle with anger at some point in our lives, but in His wisdom, He provided us with self-control. If you’re not careful, anger can drag you into sin, and that’s something you want to avoid. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “When you’re angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no room or foothold for the devil.”

Is your anger over your spouse’s affair righteous? Yes, it is. However, as Christians, we want to be sure we’re responding in ways that are righteous too.

Working with a Christian Marriage Coach can help you understand the root of your anger so that you can deal with it in ways that will help you, and not harm you. If you would like to talk with me about your personal situation, please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also make an appointment through my online scheduler. Together, I’m confident that we can work through the source of your anger and help you find the healing you need.

Is Forgiveness the Same as Reconciliation?

Is Forgiveness the Same as Reconciliation?

It’s fairly common to hear couples say that they refuse to forgive their spouses because for them, forgiveness means that the wrong behavior is OK. I think it’s important for us to remember that the world has a false idea of what forgiveness is, and in order to properly define it, we need to go back to God’s Word. Is forgiveness the same as reconciliation?

In Romans 13:8, it says, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.”

The world believes that forgiveness isn’t a necessary part of life, nor should it be a necessary part of marriage. Worldly experts are constantly advising people to hang onto their anger as a way to protect themselves from getting hurt again. However, some actually advise the opposite. They tell people who have been hurt that they can’t trust their emotions, and they need to push those negative thoughts out of their minds and continually forgive, regardless of how they feel. Many experts even believe that as long as you pray, all of your resentments will be healed and gone.

As you can see, the so-called “expert” opinions on forgiveness vary so much that it’s hard to know what you should believe. While some of these opinions might sound OK on the surface, they are wrong. The truth is that unforgiveness and resentment has a tendency to fester. It can and will eat at you, and eventually it will kill your love for the person you’re refusing to forgive. However, forgiveness cannot be done overnight. It’s a process that does take time.

In addition, it’s important to understand the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation.

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IS FORGIVENESS THE SAME AS RECONCILIATION?

Perhaps you’ve been holding onto some type of hurt because you don’t want to be reconciled with your spouse; at least not yet. As a result, you’re refusing to forgive. You don’t have to reconcile with your spouse the moment you forgive him or her, and the two things are really very different.

Forgiveness is about you extending mercy and grace to the person who hurt you. Remember, mercy is when you get something you don’t deserve to get, while grace is when you don’t get what you do deserve. When you forgive, you’re setting your offender free, and you’re placing that person on God’s “hook” instead on yours. You’re not denying the fact that you were hurt because that would not be possible. Instead, you’re giving yourself permission to feel the hurt and then you’re releasing it so that it doesn’t have power over you any longer. Furthermore, forgiveness only takes one person – you. Reconciliation takes two people.

THE 3 STAGES OF FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness generally happens in stages, and it’s not something that can occur all at once. It’s essential to go through the stages of forgiveness before you can actually forgive. Those stages are:

#1. Facing the Offense: You have to face the reality of the negative effect the offense has had on your life. You also need to realize that being treated that way is not something that’s OK with you.

#2. Feeling the Offense: If you refuse to feel the pain you’re in, you’re actually denying that pain. Denial is not something you want to live in.

#3. Forgiving the Offender: Choosing to forgive is often the hardest thing to do, but it can also be the most rewarding, even if you never get an apology. Remember, forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened, but it is about releasing the debt of the person who caused the pain.

Are you struggling with unforgiveness? I’ve worked with many women over the years who were trapped by unforgiveness. If you’re waging this battle, I’d like to help you find the healing you need to forgive and move on.

If you’d like to talk with a Christian marriage coach about working toward forgiveness, I’d love to help you. Please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also contact me through my online scheduler for a free complimentary call. I’m available face to face, over the phone or via video call. When you hold onto unforgiveness, the only person who truly suffers is you. With the right kind of professional help, you can embrace forgiveness and freedom from those heavy chains.

5 Reasons Why Most Marriages Fail After Cheating

5 Reasons Why Most Marriages Fail After Cheating

Once you’ve realized your spouse has cheated to you, it’s difficult to think about putting the pieces of your marriage back together again. You feel absolutely shattered, and you’re not really sure what you should do. Maybe you’d like to try to make it work, but it all seems so hopeless.

This is where many couples give up, and one or both of them make some major mistakes that lead to the end of the marriage. Let’s talk about five reasons why most marriages fail after cheating.

MISTAKE # 1: THEY DON’T TAKE THE TIME TO HEAL

One of the things many individual do after they’ve discovered that their spouse has been cheating is attempt to jump right into making everything feel as normal as possible. In doing so, they’re rushing through the healing process, and there is a reason why healing is a process and not something that can occur overnight. It’s vital for you to work through the emotions that this betrayal has caused for you, and that means taking the necessary time to heal.

MISTAKE #2: THEY TRY AND “FIX” THEIR SPOUSE

After you’ve been cheated on, it’s a normal response for you to try to make everything right again. Chances are, you’ve thought long and hard about what happened between you and your spouse what may have led to his cheating. You know exactly what needs to change, and you think you know how to change it. This never works. You can never “fix” your spouse, and any attempt to fix him may even do more damage than good.

MISTAKE #3: THEY SUCCUMB TO THEIR ANGER

Anger is a normal response once you learn about your spouse’s cheating, and to some extent, expressing your anger is an important part of the healing process. However, dealing with your anger is so important and there are healthy ways for you to deal with it. When your anger gets out of control, it can actually sabotage your healing, and that’s definitely not something you want to have happen.

MISTAKE #4: THEY FAIL TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT CAUSED THE CHEATING

At some point, it’s important for you to try to understand the circumstances that led to your spouse’s cheating. While this is certainly not something you should be expected to do right away, eventually, it will help you to know what causes them to sin sexually. Once you can work on this understanding, you’ll also find that you’re releasing your control over their behavior, and allowing them to be responsible for his own actions.

MISTAKE #5: THEY FAIL TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

Once cheating has occurred in your marriage, attempting to heal on your own is almost impossible. There are so many emotions involved, and it’s difficult for you to make sense of everything that has happened. You need guidance, and it’s even better if that guidance is backed by the Word of God. Getting a professional to talk with you demonstrates your willingness to work through the sin that has occurred so that you can embrace healing and move forward in your marriage.

A FINAL THOUGHT

Remember, your marriage and family legacy is your greatest asset. When you have been devastated by a cheating spouse in marriage the main thing that is on your mind is to get out of the pain. The pathway out of your pain is to avoid the five major reasons why marriages fail after cheating, while finding the right Christian coach or counselor who has the perfect step-by-step plan to move you out of your pain.

A plan that works.

Has your marriage been suffering because of a sexual betrayal? Maybe you’ve even made some of these mistakes, but you’re not sure what else to do. A Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor can help you see things a different way, and shed God’s light on a situation that otherwise seems hopeless.

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