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Betrayal is the Worst Sin in Marriage

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Betrayal is known as the worst sin in marriage and for good reason. There are many different types of betrayals, such as: 

  •     A husband having an affair
  •     A friend turning his back on another person
  •     A child who becomes wayward
  •     A parent who turns to drugs or alcohol

You may be all-too familiar with the first item on that list, and you’ve never felt such a deep sense of betrayal. In Proverbs 6:32, it says, But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. 

The Bible also says that God hates divorce in Malachi 2:16. While that is true, it also means that it is His ultimate desire for your marriage to be saved. 

Right now, your husband’s affair is probably constantly on your mind. Let’s talk about why betrayal is the worst sin in marriage that a person can commit. 

The Beauty of God’s Design for Relationships 

In Genesis 2, we see a beautiful depiction of God’s love. His love was so big that He desired to share it with someone. That is why God created man and woman. Not only did He create them to love Him, He also created them to love each other. 

In Genesis 2:18, it says, Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, and He took one of his ribs to create Eve. She was to be the perfect match for her husband. 

Betrayal entered the scene in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve sinned. They turned their backs on God in an effort to please their own selfish desires. The result was that they were cursed and thrown out of paradise. 

Betrayal is Theft 

We don’t often think of betrayal and theft as being the same, but they really are. This is especially true when you think of your covenant rights within your marriage. As your husband’s wife, you have the right to his faithfulness within the boundaries of your marriage. But once he has been unfaithful, so much is stolen from you. You lose:

  •     Your sense of peace
  •     Your sense of well-being
  •     Your joy

You could eventually end up losing your home, some of your friends, and time with your children. So much is lost after an affair, and it can be difficult to pick up the pieces and move on. 

Moving on From Betrayal With Christian Marriage Coaching and Counseling 

Fortunately, there is healing in store for you if you have been betrayed as a result of your husband’s affair. As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have worked with many women who are facing the same situation. Betrayal is the worst sin,  but it’s not something that cannot be overcome with God’s love. 

I can help you work through the feelings you’re experiencing after your husband’s affair. If you have decided to reconcile, I can help with that as well. Please contact me through my website. You can also email me at hello@drcarolerb.com or call me at 843-379-0288. 

Recovering after an affair is a long process. But together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage. 

 

Staying Transparent After An Affair

Staying Transparent After An Affair

Transparency is non-negotiable after a betrayal if you intend to rebuild the trust in your marriage. You husband’s staying transparent after an affair won’t come naturally to him. But it’s something he can work on. And, together, you can experience the beautiful changes that come into your marriage as a result.

There’s a reason why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Once an affair has made its way into your marriage, complete and total transparency (honesty) is a major part of the “glue” that will bring you back together. Let’s talk about what that looks like in more detail.

What is Transparency?

Transparency is best described by taking a look at its first appearance in the Bible; in the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The ultimate form of transparency is when a husband and wife are hiding nothing. But your husband’s affair was anything but transparent.  If fact your husband has become the exact opposite of that.

Being transparent means a few things:

  • No more lies being told.
  • No more secrets being kept.
  • No defensiveness when questions are asked.
  • No vague responses to questions.
  • No keeping any type of news from your spouse, whatsoever.

Of course, this also trickles down into every area of your lives. That means not having any secret bank accounts or social media accounts. It means sharing passwords for everything.  And never clearing the history on your phone or computer.

When a husband has spent so much time and energy hiding information, staying transparent after an affair is difficult. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

Providing Details Help in Staying Transparent after an Affair

As the betrayed wife, it’s understandable that you have questions. You may have questions about the affair itself.  Or, you may feel suspicious and “grill” your husband after a long day at the office. This is completely normal, and there’s a good reason for this behavior. You feel the way that you do because of his betrayal.

Husband, if your wife is constantly asking questions, it’s because she has doubts. She doesn’t feel as though she’s getting all the information she needs. For you, giving your wife as many details as possible can prevent long, drawn-out interrogations. Let your wife be the judge as far as how much she wants to know, and answer all of her questions with complete and total honesty.

It’s often easier for husbands to leave out details because they feel that they’re protecting their wives. But this actually hurts her more than the truth ever could. Wives don’t want their husbands hiding anything from them.  It’s only in total transparency that forgiveness and healing can take place.

Staying Transparent After an Affair Leads to Emotional Connection

Once you have reached the place where your husband is being transparent with you, you may find that you’re still disappointed. However, no matter how much he tells you, there will always be a desire to learn more. You’ll never be able to make complete sense of what your husband has done. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be healed. And, it doesn’t mean that your trust can’t be restored.

In 1 Corinthians 4:5, Paul says, “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.” The truth always comes to light. And when it does, amazing things happen to God’s children.

Staying transparent after an affair is the best way for your husband to restore emotional intimacy with you. It allows him to connect with you on levels you may not have ever experienced before. When your husband is honest with you, he provides you with details and answers your questions. Then, God can work in your marriage. He can work in your husband too. God will provide the type of healing that only He can.

Moving From Betrayal to Healing

Right now, it may not seem as though healing is in store for you or your marriage. Even if you and your husband have decided to reconcile, the road ahead may seem long, and frankly, impossible to maneuver. It is, but only if you walk it alone.

I created From Betrayal to Healing for women like you. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and affairs are much too common; even among Christians. But these resources can provide you with the support and help you need from a Biblical perspective.

The guidance you need to get through this troubling time is available. Together, we can seek God’s will for your marriage and start the healing process He intends for you to experience.

Your Husband’s Relationship with God After an Affair

Your Husband’s Relationship with God After an Affair

When rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair, your husband’s relationship with God is essential for both of you. It is especially important for your husband to seek God’s heart and continue to grow in his faith. However, couples in this situation aren’t sure where to begin.  Consequently, they need to know what to do in order to grow in their relationship with the Lord.

Fortunately, God has given us a complete instruction manual in His Word. Let’s talk about what the Bible has to say about your husband’s spiritual commitment in light of his recent betrayal.

Your Husband’s Relationship with God Begins with Repentance and Forgiveness

Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That verse is powerful, and while it doesn’t justify your husband’s affair, it does indicate that he’s not alone. Sin is a part of the world we live in, but remaining in it should never be an option. We are so blessed that God has forgiveness in store for us.  However in order to access it, we must turn from our sinful ways..

In Luke 5:32, Jesus said, “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” According to Merriam-Webster, the word repent means, “To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life.”

Repentance is crucial for your husband. If he is a believer he has been given an obedient heart and isn’t wired to sin.  On the other hand, if he’s an unbeliever he hasn’t received God’s forgiveness, confessed and turned from his sin. I John 1:8-9 “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

This is first place to start if your husband is an unbeliever.  Respectfully request that he talk with your pastor, or another spiritual leader in your church or community.  You will see a difference when your husband’s relationship with God begins to show change. Once that happens, the healing process can really begin for you both.

Healing After an Affair Through Spiritual Leadership

In Galatians 3:28, the Bible states that men and women are equal. But that doesn’t mean that your husband shouldn’t assume his role as the spiritual leader of your home. After all, it is a role that God assigned to him. In Colossians 3:19, Paul instructed, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul also emphasizes the importance of husbands leading their wives. He says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Being a spiritual leader may be a foreign concept to your husband. Or, it could be that after the affair, he doesn’t feel prepared to lead properly. Again, talking with your pastor can really make a big difference in your husband’s relationship with God. And it will help him envision and put into practice spiritual leadership in your home.

Continuing to Grow in Faith

Finally, your husband should continue to grow in his faith and in his relationship with God. There are many ways that he can do this, such as:

  • Making church attendance his first priority.
  • Getting involved in a men’s Bible study.
  • Committing to a small group.
  • Attending a men’s group at your church.
  • Reading his Bible daily.

As he grows, and as God works in him, you will probably begin to see him get interested in more than one. That is the way your husband’s relationship with God should progress. Consequently, it will help you as he lives for God and learns how to rebuild your trust after an affair.

Finding Support After an Affair

You don’t have to go through these challenges on your own. Perhaps you’re a woman whose husband has recently had an affair and the two of you have decided to reconcile. That is such a blessing, but it will also take a lot of healing as you rebuild that trust.

From Betrayal to Healing can be a powerful source of support for you after your husband’s affair. You undoubtedly have so many questions that need to be answered.  Additionally you have multiple issues that have to be worked through. I would love to partner with you and walk by your side as you go through this process.

Trust can be rebuilt. Hearts can be healed. God says it in His Word, and He has never lied. I hope you’ll join me.

3 Ways to Manage Social Media After an Affair

3 Ways to Manage Social Media After an Affair

Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or online. You’ll naturally want to know the right way to manage social media after an affair.

The reality is that after an affair, there must be a policy of total openness and honesty.  If you feel your husband is hiding anything, you can’t build trust.  Moving forward you will need access to everything and should have the ability to access what was otherwise considered private.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to help.  This article is mainly about social media. However, not only does your husband need to give you access to his social media accounts, he also will need to give you access to his email accounts, cell phone, computer, iPad, wallet, bank account and safety deposit box just a name a few.   The bottom line is your husband has just lost his privacy. Let’s talk about that some more.

Surrendering Social Media

Truthfully, a new way to cheat was invented when social media came about. Suddenly, people started spending extended periods of time on their computers and phones, connecting with people from their past. It’s not surprising that many of those connections are old flames.

For husbands, the answer to avoid getting caught in the social media trap is to surrender it altogether. It might not be easy because websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can cause an addiction to lust in some cases. But your trust was destroyed by your husband’s affair and your heart needs to be protected. Disappearing from social media is one way that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage. This is especially true if the affair began because of social media.

Installing Filtering and Monitoring

When a husband’s affair begins on social media, you will be worried about him continuing to use these sites on his devices.  One of the fastest ways to begin rebuilding trust is to install an internet filter and monitoring software on all devices.  You will have the ability to block sites, keywords and various domains.

Monitoring software records internet history. A report with internet usage will be created and can be emailed to your husband’s accountability partner(s).  It is helpful for you to receive a report as well. Do be aware that often these programs can sometimes show a “false positive.”  If this happens it’s important to observe your husband’s reactions.  If he’s genuinely concerned fine.  If he get’s angry and defensive, that’s a red flag.

You can easily determine if installing filtering and monitoring software is the right path for you by reviewing information on Google.  Examples of  software  monitoring programs are X3watch and Covenant Eyes.

A husband who wants to work on your marriage will understand you need to hold him accountable with his internet activity. He will be more than happy to do what it takes to rebuild trust.

Erasing Browsing History

One surefire way to signal guilt is if you find your husband deleting any browsing history.  It looks suspicious to you.  If your husband is deleting history on his internet browsers, cell phone texts, voicemails, emails, computer files, etc. it will sound an alarm that he’s hiding something. If you suspect this is happening ask him to clarify anything that seems confusing to you.

One way to avoid this problem is for your husband to sit down with you and have you watch him while he deletes history on his devices. When your husband is willing to be accountable when you have questions he is building your trust.  If he reacts and pushes back he will damage your trust.

Investing in Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling

In the world we live in, anything and everything is vying for our attention. Social media is just one example, and there are many others. It can be so easy to get deterred by the lure of it, but that does not mean your marriage has to end as a result.

Christian marriage coaching and counseling can be so helpful and life-changing. It makes such a difference to have someone to talk with about these types of problems, but you want to make sure that the guidance and direction you receive is centered on God’s Word.

The reality is that social media is powerful, and when it is misused, it can destroy a marriage. This is especially true after an affair that begins on social media. That does not have to happen to you and your husband. Together, we can find solid solutions that are based on Scripture to help you rebuild your marriage on truth.

Boundaries on the Job After a Work-Related Affair

Boundaries on the Job After a Work-Related Affair

If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain.

But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust and healing your marriage. That is a commendable decision, and it can be a really difficult one to make. It can be so helpful to know how to set appropriate boundaries on the job. Therefore, you need to know that your husband is being faithful to you when he’s at work. In doing so, he will need to be doing his part to provide you with a sense of security you need while he’s on the job.

Committing to Never Spending Time Alone With a Co-Worker

It’s normal to have a favorite co-worker at the office or on the job. But your husband should not choose a favorite who is a woman. Doing so puts your marriage in jeopardy because it can lead to communications that can quickly become inappropriate.

When a husband has had a work-related affair, he should maintain clearly drawn lines you set for him. Your husband and the opposite sex should never spend time alone with each other. There can be no physical contact except an appropriate handshake.  And he should avoid any type of behavior that you would not approve of.

That includes getting in the elevator with another woman going for walks, texting, and minimizing business travel.  After a husband has an affair he will do well to eliminate or greatly reduce time that allows for one-on-one interaction with a female. He must take your sense of security extremely seriously.

Committing to Avoid Sharing Details About His Marriage

Women are, by default, really good listeners. Men recognize this, which is why so many men gravitate toward women they work with when they have affairs. In addition to being more discreet in many ways, women at work provide them with someone they can confide in.

Your husband should commit to not sharing anything about your marriage with another woman at work. Whether that means venting about something that bothers him, or sharing something that he had only previously shared with you. Providing any type of information like that is only a way to build intimacy with someone who is not his wife.

Committing to His Work Schedule

There may be some jobs that offer flexible hours, or even require late nights or early mornings. But for the most part, your husband probably has a start time and a stop time at his job. He should be willing to make a commitment to you to come home immediately after work. So many affairs start because the husband uses the excuse of having to work late.

If your husband truly does have to work late, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be in communication with you frequently during that time. That way, you will feel more assured that his lateness is truly because of something unavoidable at work.

Have You Been Betrayed Because of an Affair?

Perhaps you are in this situation yourself, and your spouse recently disclosed a work-related affair. It’s understandable how you feel, and the pain you are having is very real. But please know that healing is possible.

You may be in a position where both you and your spouse are willing to work through the affair so you can reconcile. Or, you may be contemplating separation. It is also possible that you aren’t sure what to do, or where to turn.

The Word of God has so much to say about your situation. God has healing in store for you, and together, we can take the steps to see that healing manifested in your life. The road you’re on may seem lonely and endless right now, but you can go from betrayal to healing.

Rebuilding Intimacy In Marriage After An Affair

Rebuilding Intimacy In Marriage After An Affair

If you have either found out about, or your husband has disclosed his affair, it’s possible that you have decided to work on rebuilding your marriage. That is a wonderful decision, and you can be assured that God has healing in store for you. But in addition to rebuilding your trust, it’s also important to focus on rebuilding intimacy and its place in your relationship with your husband.

The subject of intimacy is an interesting one to bring up in marriage.  Most couples really do not know what it means. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean sex; although that can be a part of it. So many couples say that they just don’t feel connected with one another especially after an affair.  That’s primarily because intimacy is missing within their marriages.

So, the best time to focus on rebuilding intimacy is after an affair has occurred. There are several different types of intimacy. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss them briefly.

Spiritual Intimacy

I’ve listed this one first because it’s the most important. In fact, when you have spiritual intimacy with your spouse, every other type just tends to fall into place.

Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of the marriage. It involves spending time in the Word together, praying together and worshiping together. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Those are such powerful words, and ones that we should certainly take to heart.

When this type of intimacy is missing in a Christian marriage, there are bound to be problems. Every couple is busy, but it’s worth taking the time to rebuild intimacy and make sure God is first in your relationship.

This is especially true when your husband has had an affair. You should focus on God and allow Him to work in you first and foremost.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy refers to the act of sharing experiences with one another and experiencing feelings. This can be difficult for men to do.  They don’t always like to focus on how they feel. Instead, they’re taught to put their emotions aside and focus on the facts. That’s why so many women end up frustrated with their husbands.

Women feel most connected to their husbands when the emotional intimacy in the marriage is high. For men, they feel most connected when the physical intimacy is high.  Husbands and wives are called to fulfill each other’s needs. So the emotional intimacy part of marriage should never be ignored.

Both husbands and wives should feel completely comfortable in sharing openly with each other. It’s so important to rebuild intimacy through emotional bonds. But your husband may not realize his need for this, and the lack of it could be what led to the affair.

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy means connecting with one another through discussing various issues together. Topics can be serious (like discussing politics), or they can be lighthearted (like discussing a favorite TV show). This type of intimacy fosters an incredible mental connection with the other person.

Intellectual intimacy is usually the highest during the beginning of a relationship.  Typically because the couple is still getting to know one another. Over time, both husbands and wives begin to assume that they know how the other partner feels about various subjects. Quite often, that discussion stops.

Cultivating intellectual intimacy is something that every couple needs to do to have a healthy, thriving marriage. During the healing process from an affair, it can create new connections that are needed to rebuild a couple’s friendship. It’s truly amazing to immerse yourself into the world of how another person thinks, and it contributes to the bond you share together.

Physical Intimacy

While physical intimacy includes sex, it is not only about sex. It also involves non-sexual physical touch, like holding hands or cuddling on the couch. It can be a difficult area to navigate because men often think that any physical intimacy is an invitation for sex. That’s not the case for most women, who typically thrive on those non-sexual ways of expressing their love.

Of all of the different types of intimacy, this one is the most important one to men. This is something that women need to realize. Men tend to feel that they have strong marriages when sexual physical intimacy is the highest. Considering the fact that Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love,” we know God has ordained sex for marriage and that it is blessed.

After an affair, physical intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. But that doesn’t make it any less essential. It can be helpful to talk with a professional to work through the issues that are making it difficult to enjoy this level of intimacy with your husband.

Putting the Intimacy Back Into Your Marriage

A marriage that is filled with intimacy is one that will be fulfilling for both the husband and the wife. But when it’s been missing for so long, it can be hard to get it back.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, it gives me so much joy to help couples rebuild intimacy they used to have once again. As they start the process of rediscovering one another, they often find that they fall in love all over again. It’s a beautiful sight, and I can help you in the same way.

Intimacy is the most important part of marriage because it covers so many areas. If your marriage is missing it,  especially after an affair all hope is not lost. God has healing in store for you, and I can help to guide you through the process.

 

 

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