Your Spouse’s Affair Isn’t Your Fault – Here’s Why
When a woman’s husband has an affair, it is very easy – and sometimes almost second nature – for her to blame herself. This is extremely normal, but it is not a correct assumption by any means. It can be easy to fall into the trap of playing the “blame game,” which is something that a lot of women do after learning of a marriage betrayal.
Today, I want you to know and understand that your husband’s affair is not your fault. The blame lies with him completely. Let’s talk about why.
Outside Voices Can Contribute to the Blame Game
It is possible that once you learned about your husband’s affair, and you shared it with others, they had plenty to say in response. Many women find that they hear many of the following questions and statements:
Maybe you should try dressing sexier for him.
Have you been withholding sex from your husband?
Did you make sure you made his favorite meals for dinner?
All you need to do is go out on more dates with each other.
Have you tried having daily devotions with your husband?
Maybe you could drop a few pounds so that he finds you more attractive?
These questions and statements can do so much damage, and they are largely why so many women blame themselves for their husband’s affairs. These outside voices are dangerous, so it is wise to keep talking to friends and family about the affair at a minimum.
You Feel Responsible for Your Husband’s Repentance
Because they have played the “blame game,” many women begin to believe the lie that they are responsible for their husbands’ repentance. They may take steps such as, setting up counseling appointments, buying their husbands self-help books or setting up a time for their husbands to meet with pastoral staff. These can all be helpful, of course, but in taking these actions, women are denying themselves the time they need to work through the healing process.
You are not responsible for your husband’s repentance to God or to you. It is up to him to make the necessary changes in his own life, if that is what he chooses to do.
Moving Past Accepting Fault and Into Healing from Marriage Betrayal
Have you caught yourself accepting the blame for your husband’s infidelity? This is so easy to do, but the fault is not yours, nor is it your job to fix the situation. It is wise to seek the advice of someone who understands what you are going through and who can provide you with the Biblical guidance and direction you need during this difficult time in your life.
As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I have worked with many women to do just that. You can make an appointment with me by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or by sending me a message through my contact page.
The Word of God is filled with instances of God’s healing power. It is available to you as well, and I would love to help you experience it.
If you have been wounded by your spouse’s affair, you are probably experiencing a gamut of emotions. It’s normal for you to feel angry, upset and hurt by what they did to you. In fact, it may seem as though there’s no possible way for you to forgive your spouse Many individuals find themselves asking, can betrayal be forgiven? I’d like you to know that it is possible to forgive him for what they did. What’s more, the two of you may be able to move past the affair and have a marriage that’s stronger than it was before.
But of course, these changes don’t happen overnight. Healing and recovering after an affair is a process that takes time. It can be done, and it happens more easily for believers when they take the time to seek out what God’s Word says about it.
Spend Time With the Lord
First and foremost, you must spend time with God. This is the most important step and it’s one that many individuals forget to take – even those who are believers. But everything you need for healing and restoration resides with Him and His presence.
In Deuteronomy 31:8, it says, The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. In Psalm 23:4, it says, Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
These are just a few examples of God’s love and comfort. His Word is filled with them. Spending time with God allows Him to love on you and give you the peace and wisdom you need for the journey ahead.
Have Your Spouse Disclose the Affair
At some point, you will want to talk with your spouse about the affair in more detail. You most likely have a lot of questions, and your spouse should be more than willing to answer them.
Once your spouse discloses information about the affair, you’re going to need a lot of support. You may want to consider waiting to do this until you’re working with a professional who specializes in this type of counseling. That way, that person can guide you through the process.
Determine Your Spouse’s Willingness to Repair Your Marriage
Getting an answer to the question: “Can betrayal be forgiven?” means taking steps toward reconciliation, if that’s something you both want. You may be dreading asking your your spouse if they have a desire to work through the affair and reconcile with you; mostly because you’re afraid of the answer. But this is something that you need to know, and you deserve to know what they want.If your spouse is willing to repair your marriage, you can move forward together. If not, you will need to work through all of the feelings that come with being separated and eventually divorced. Forgiveness will be a major part of that, regardless of what path you both choose.
Talk with a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor About Forgiving Your Spouse’s Betrayal
As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I’ve worked with many couples as they sought forgiveness for the spouse’s betrayal. It was not an easy road to travel, but because they followed God’s Word, many of those marriages were restored. They experienced the type of forgiveness that can only come from God, and they are stronger couples as a result.
I offer free consultations to individuals and couples who have gone through the betrayal of an affair. I would love the chance to talk with you about your situation and determine if working together would be a good fit. Feel free tocontact me through my website or email me at email@example.com.
Can betrayal be forgiven? Yes, it can. I know that forgiving your spouse might seem impossible right now. But nothing is impossible with God, and I know that together, we can seek and find His will for your life and marriage.
Betrayal is known as the worst sin in marriage and for good reason. There are many different types of betrayals, such as:
A husband having an affair
A friend turning his back on another person
A child who becomes wayward
A parent who turns to drugs or alcohol
You may be all-too familiar with the first item on that list, and you’ve never felt such a deep sense of betrayal. In Proverbs 6:32, it says, But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself.
The Bible also says that God hates divorce in Malachi 2:16. While that is true, it also means that it is His ultimate desire for your marriage to be saved.
Right now, your husband’s affair is probably constantly on your mind. Let’s talk about why betrayal is the worst sin in marriage that a person can commit.
The Beauty of God’s Design for Relationships
In Genesis 2, we see a beautiful depiction of God’s love. His love was so big that He desired to share it with someone. That is why God created man and woman. Not only did He create them to love Him, He also created them to love each other.
In Genesis 2:18, it says, Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, and He took one of his ribs to create Eve. She was to be the perfect match for her husband.
Betrayal entered the scene in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve sinned. They turned their backs on God in an effort to please their own selfish desires. The result was that they were cursed and thrown out of paradise.
Betrayal is Theft
We don’t often think of betrayal and theft as being the same, but they really are. This is especially true when you think of your covenant rights within your marriage. As your husband’s wife, you have the right to his faithfulness within the boundaries of your marriage. But once he has been unfaithful, so much is stolen from you. You lose:
Your sense of peace
Your sense of well-being
You could eventually end up losing your home, some of your friends, and time with your children. So much is lost after an affair, and it can be difficult to pick up the pieces and move on.
Moving on From Betrayal With Christian Marriage Coaching and Counseling
Fortunately, there is healing in store for you if you have been betrayed as a result of your husband’s affair. As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have worked with many women who are facing the same situation. Betrayal is the worst sin, but it’s not something that cannot be overcome with God’s love.
I can help you work through the feelings you’re experiencing after your husband’s affair. If you have decided to reconcile, I can help with that as well. Pleasecontact me through my website. You can also email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or call me at 843-379-0288.
Recovering after an affair is a long process. But together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage.
Transparency is non-negotiable after a betrayal if you intend to rebuild the trust in your marriage. You husband’s staying transparent after an affair won’t come naturally to him. But it’s something he can work on. And, together, you can experience the beautiful changes that come into your marriage as a result.
There’s a reason why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Once an affair has made its way into your marriage, complete and total transparency (honesty) is a major part of the “glue” that will bring you back together. Let’s talk about what that looks like in more detail.
What is Transparency?
Transparency is best described by taking a look at its first appearance in the Bible; in the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The ultimate form of transparency is when a husband and wife are hiding nothing. But your husband’s affair was anything but transparent. If fact your husband has become the exact opposite of that.
No keeping any type of news from your spouse, whatsoever.
Of course, this also trickles down into every area of your lives. That means not having any secret bank accounts or social media accounts. It means sharing passwords for everything. And never clearing the history on your phone or computer.
When a husband has spent so much time and energy hiding information, staying transparent after an affair is difficult. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.
Providing Details Help in Staying Transparent after an Affair
As the betrayed wife, it’s understandable that you have questions. You may have questions about the affair itself. Or, you may feel suspicious and “grill” your husband after a long day at the office. This is completely normal, and there’s a good reason for this behavior. You feel the way that you do because of his betrayal.
Husband, if your wife is constantly asking questions, it’s because she has doubts. She doesn’t feel as though she’s getting all the information she needs. For you, giving your wife as many details as possible can prevent long, drawn-out interrogations. Let your wife be the judge as far as how much she wants to know, and answer all of her questions with complete and total honesty.
It’s often easier for husbands to leave out details because they feel that they’re protecting their wives. But this actually hurts her more than the truth ever could. Wives don’t want their husbands hiding anything from them. It’s only in total transparency that forgiveness and healing can take place.
Staying Transparent After an Affair Leads to Emotional Connection
Once you have reached the place where your husband is being transparent with you, you may find that you’re still disappointed. However, no matter how much he tells you, there will always be a desire to learn more. You’ll never be able to make complete sense of what your husband has done. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be healed. And, it doesn’t mean that your trust can’t be restored.
In 1 Corinthians 4:5, Paul says, “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.” The truth always comes to light. And when it does, amazing things happen to God’s children.
Staying transparent after an affair is the best way for your husband to restore emotional intimacy with you. It allows him to connect with you on levels you may not have ever experienced before. When your husband is honest with you, he provides you with details and answers your questions. Then, God can work in your marriage. He can work in your husband too. God will provide the type of healing that only He can.
Moving From Betrayal to Healing
Right now, it may not seem as though healing is in store for you or your marriage. Even if you and your husband have decided to reconcile, the road ahead may seem long, and frankly, impossible to maneuver. It is, but only if you walk it alone.
I created From Betrayal to Healing for women like you. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and affairs are much too common; even among Christians. But these resources can provide you with the support and help you need from a Biblical perspective.
The guidance you need to get through this troubling time is available. Together, we can seek God’s will for your marriage and start the healing process He intends for you to experience.
When rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair, your husband’s relationship with God is essential for both of you. It is especially important for your husband to seek God’s heart and continue to grow in his faith. However, couples in this situation aren’t sure where to begin. Consequently, they need to know what to do in order to grow in their relationship with the Lord.
Fortunately, God has given us a complete instruction manual in His Word. Let’s talk about what the Bible has to say about your husband’s spiritual commitment in light of his recent betrayal.
Your Husband’s Relationship with God Begins with Repentance and Forgiveness
Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That verse is powerful, and while it doesn’t justify your husband’s affair, it does indicate that he’s not alone. Sin is a part of the world we live in, but remaining in it should never be an option. We are so blessed that God has forgiveness in store for us. However in order to access it, we must turn from our sinful ways..
In Luke 5:32, Jesus said, “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” According to Merriam-Webster, the word repent means, “To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life.”
Repentance is crucial for your husband. If he is a believer he has been given an obedient heart and isn’t wired to sin. On the other hand, if he’s an unbeliever he hasn’t received God’s forgiveness, confessed and turned from his sin. I John 1:8-9 “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
This is first place to start if your husband is an unbeliever. Respectfully request that he talk with your pastor, or another spiritual leader in your church or community. You will see a difference when your husband’s relationship with God begins to show change. Once that happens, the healing process can really begin for you both.
Healing After an Affair Through Spiritual Leadership
In Galatians 3:28, the Bible states that men and women are equal. But that doesn’t mean that your husband shouldn’t assume his role as the spiritual leader of your home. After all, it is a role that God assigned to him. In Colossians 3:19, Paul instructed, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
In Ephesians 5:25, Paul also emphasizes the importance of husbands leading their wives. He says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Being a spiritual leader may be a foreign concept to your husband. Or, it could be that after the affair, he doesn’t feel prepared to lead properly. Again, talking with your pastor can really make a big difference in your husband’s relationship with God. And it will help him envision and put into practice spiritual leadership in your home.
Continuing to Grow in Faith
Finally, your husband should continue to grow in his faith and in his relationship with God. There are many ways that he can do this, such as:
Making church attendance his first priority.
Getting involved in a men’s Bible study.
Committing to a small group.
Attending a men’s group at your church.
Reading his Bible daily.
As he grows, and as God works in him, you will probably begin to see him get interested in more than one. That is the way your husband’s relationship with God should progress. Consequently, it will help you as he lives for God and learns how to rebuild your trust after an affair.
Finding Support After an Affair
You don’t have to go through these challenges on your own. Perhaps you’re a woman whose husband has recently had an affair and the two of you have decided to reconcile. That is such a blessing, but it will also take a lot of healing as you rebuild that trust.
From Betrayal to Healing can be a powerful source of support for you after your husband’s affair. You undoubtedly have so many questions that need to be answered. Additionally you have multiple issues that have to be worked through. I would love to partner with you and walk by your side as you go through this process.
Trust can be rebuilt. Hearts can be healed. God says it in His Word, and He has never lied. I hope you’ll join me.
Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or online. You’ll naturally want to know the right way to manage social media after an affair.
The reality is that after an affair, there must be a policy of total openness and honesty. If you feel your husband is hiding anything, you can’t build trust. Moving forward you will need access to everything and should have the ability to access what was otherwise considered private.
Fortunately, there are things that can be done to help. This article is mainly about social media. However, not only does your husband need to give you access to his social media accounts, he also will need to give you access to his email accounts, cell phone, computer, iPad, wallet, bank account and safety deposit box just a name a few. The bottom line is your husband has just lost his privacy. Let’s talk about that some more.
Surrendering Social Media
Truthfully, a new way to cheat was invented when social media came about. Suddenly, people started spending extended periods of time on their computers and phones, connecting with people from their past. It’s not surprising that many of those connections are old flames.
For husbands, the answer to avoid getting caught in the social media trap is to surrender it altogether. It might not be easy because websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can cause an addiction to lust in some cases. But your trust was destroyed by your husband’s affair and your heart needs to be protected. Disappearing from social media is one way that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage. This is especially true if the affair began because of social media.
Installing Filtering and Monitoring
When a husband’s affair begins on social media, you will be worried about him continuing to use these sites on his devices. One of the fastest ways to begin rebuilding trust is to install an internet filter and monitoring software on all devices. You will have the ability to block sites, keywords and various domains.
Monitoring software records internet history. A report with internet usage will be created and can be emailed to your husband’s accountability partner(s). It is helpful for you to receive a report as well. Do be aware that often these programs can sometimes show a “false positive.” If this happens it’s important to observe your husband’s reactions. If he’s genuinely concerned fine. If he get’s angry and defensive, that’s a red flag.
You can easily determine if installing filtering and monitoring software is the right path for you by reviewing information on Google. Examples of software monitoring programs are X3watch and Covenant Eyes.
A husband who wants to work on your marriage will understand you need to hold him accountable with his internet activity. He will be more than happy to do what it takes to rebuild trust.
Erasing Browsing History
One surefire way to signal guilt is if you find your husband deleting any browsing history. It looks suspicious to you. If your husband is deleting history on his internet browsers, cell phone texts, voicemails, emails, computer files, etc. it will sound an alarm that he’s hiding something. If you suspect this is happening ask him to clarify anything that seems confusing to you.
One way to avoid this problem is for your husband to sit down with you and have you watch him while he deletes history on his devices. When your husband is willing to be accountable when you have questions he is building your trust. If he reacts and pushes back he will damage your trust.
Investing in Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling
In the world we live in, anything and everything is vying for our attention. Social media is just one example, and there are many others. It can be so easy to get deterred by the lure of it, but that does not mean your marriage has to end as a result.
Christian marriage coaching and counseling can be so helpful and life-changing. It makes such a difference to have someone to talk with about these types of problems, but you want to make sure that the guidance and direction you receive is centered on God’s Word.
The reality is that social media is powerful, and when it is misused, it can destroy a marriage. This is especially true after an affair that begins on social media. That does not have to happen to you and your husband. Together, we can find solid solutions that are based on Scripture to help you rebuild your marriage on truth.