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Has Your Self-Worth Been Shattered After an Affair?

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Discovering that your husband has been unfaithful can have a devastating effect on your self worth. Your self-esteem can take a drastic hit that can cause you to have difficulty thinking clearly, and as a result, so many women tend to end up blaming themselves for their marriages falling apart.

Perhaps this is how you have been feeling lately, and even though others have told you that it’s not your fault, you can’t help but think that it is. You may catch yourself time and time again playing the “If only…” game.

  • If only I had paid him more compliments.
  • If only I hadn’t been so unreasonable.
  • If only I was prettier.
  • If only I was thinner.
  • If only I was funnier.
  • If only I was more fun to be around.

In essence, you are beginning to think that you’re not good enough; not for your husband, and certainly not for yourself.

THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO YOU ARE

As Christian women, we do ourselves a disservice when we forget about what the Word of God says about who we are in Christ. God’s Word is powerful, and true, and upon studying it, we learn that:

  • Colossians 2:10 says that you are complete in Him who is the Head of all principality and power.
  • Ephesians 2:5 says that you are alive with Christ.
  • 1 John 5:18 says that you are born of God, and the evil one does not touch me.
  • Ephesians 1:4 says that I you are holy and without blame before Him in love.
  • 1 Corinthians 2:16 says that you have the mind of Christ.
  • 1 John 4:4 says that you have the Greater One living in me; greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
  • Ephesians 2:10 says that you are God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works.

There is no denying who God says you are, and anything that whispers in your ear and tells you that you’re less than His best is from the enemy.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF-WORTH

It’s not enough to read through the Bible and see the truth about who you are one time. This is something you need to get down into your spirit, and it can help to know some practical ways that you can improve your self-worth. Finding out that your husband has been having an affair is an incredible blow to your self-esteem and self-worth. One of the reasons this occurs because you feel like you’ve lost control. The time to start rebuilding your self-worth is now, and there are a few things you can do:

  • Stop blaming yourself for what happened, and every time you start to place the blame on you, take notice, and correct yourself.
  • Don’t compare yourself to the other woman. This will only lead to more negative thoughts about your self worth.
  • Prayerfully consider what you want your future to look like, and what your goals are for your marriage. Keep those in front of you.
  • Take time for yourself to properly care for yourself and your own needs.
  • Consider getting help from a Christian marriage coach who will lead you according to God’s Word and help you understand the steps you need to take next.

The road you’re on is a difficult one to navigate all on your own. If you would like to reach me you can email me at hello@drcarolerb.com .  Or if you would like to speak with me you can schedule a time for us to talk. I would love to support you.  .

Ending An Affair With One Phone Call

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There is one question I get asked all the time. Once a wife has discovered that her husband has been unfaithful, she says, “Carol, he has told me that he’s ended the affair, but how can I trust him?”

Quite honestly, the answer is that you can’t. You can’t believe words; you can only believe behaviors and actions. I have found that there are few husbands who will be completely honest about being unfaithful until they have been caught. If they knew what the consequences of their actions would be – their lies, their deception, their infidelity and their cheating – they would have avoided it at all costs.

Usually, husbands will minimize what they’ve done. They’ll say things like:

• “We were just friends.”
• “It was an emotional affair.”
• “It wasn’t sexual.”
• “We only had sex a few times.”

There aren’t many husbands who are honest about disclosing the details of an affair, and there are a few reasons for this.

1. He wants to protect himself. He may tell you that he’s trying to protect you, but that isn’t true at all. He’s trying to protect himself.

2. He wants to avoid any further consequences because of his behavior.

3. He’s very concerned about looking good. That’s why he’s not being honest about what he has done.

Numbers 32:23 says, Be sure, your sin will find you out.

There is so much truth in that verse.

I once had a client, and we had disclosed that there had been an infidelity. The husband assured his wife that he had told her everything there was to tell her. However, as we continued to work together, he became convicted because he had only dribbled the truth out, bit by bit. Finally, he admitted that he hadn’t been totally honest.

Her response was, “You burned the house down once; and now you’ve burned it down again.” What she meant was that they had started to rebuild on a brand new foundation, and because he hadn’t been completely honest with her, they had to start all over again.

Complete openness and honesty are the only solutions for ending an affair and rebuilding your trust in your husband and in your marriage. Ladies, it’s not the honesty that causes us pain. It’s the dishonesty. It’s not the truth that drives you crazy. It’s the deception.

Most husbands think that their wives can’t handle the truth, and beneath that, lies manipulation and disrespect. You have already been victimized by his infidelity, but by not getting the truth about his behaviors, you’re being victimized twice.

God has given you intuition, and once the truth comes out, everything else begins to become clear. This is exactly what happened to me. My husband would come home at night and I knew things weren’t right. Finally, I looked at him and said, “You’re here, but not really.” Once I discovered his infidelity, all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. Everything became clear.

Your husband is in no place to bargain; especially if he is serious about wanting to rebuild your trust. This relationship with his lover must end for life, and there is a way to do it.

You end an affair with one, final phone call.

For your phone call, he calls his lover, and he puts you on speakerphone. He lets her know that you’re there. This is his final goodbye to her, and he needs to state that he’s been selfish, and that he cares about you and his family. He needs to tell her that he’s going to do everything he can to protect his family. Then he tells her that he is rebuilding his marriage and he’s ending his relationship with her forever.

There will be no more phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages or face-to-face meetings with her. They will never see each other again. He does not mention anything to her about the hurt this may have caused her or how sorry he is. He ends the phone call at that point.

This phone call begins the process of you believing that he is finished with his lover, and solely focused on working on your marriage. Please understand that this is only the first step. It’s going to take many other steps of consistently and persistently rebuilding your trust, but this is how you can know for sure that he has ended the affair.

Have you recently found out that your husband has been having an affair? My job is to help Christian women heal from broken trust, fulfilling their desire to be valued, secure and fully loved. I would love to help you. Please feel free to contact me by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or book a complimentary call to see how I might best support you, and let’s set up a time to talk about the challenges you’re facing.
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How to Deal With Betrayal & Depression After an Affair

Learning about your spouse has cheated on you has led to a flurry of emotional responses, and all of them are very normal. The shock you felt when you first found out eventually gave way to confusion and sadness, and then it led to anger. However, now, you’re beginning to feel hopeless and even disconnected from the outside world. You’re concerned that what you’re really experiencing is depression, and that thought might scare you.

Depression is a very natural response when you’ve spouse has cheated on you. However, it’s generally not something that’s long-lasting. It’s possible that you’re not really sure if what you’re feeling and experiencing is depression, but there are a few signs you can look for to determine if it is.

SIGNS OF DEPRESSION AFTER YOUR SPOUSE CHEATED ON YOU

Depression is caused by all kinds of things, but it can certainly set in for a period of time if you’ve been cheated on in your marriage. The following are some of the signs you can look for to help you understand if what you’re experiencing is sadness, or depression:

  • Changes in your mood – Feeling anxious, hopeless, feelings of apathy, guilt and mood swings
  • Changes in your sleeping patterns – Waking up earlier than normal, feeling fatigued all day long, having insomnia or restless sleep
  • Changes in your body – Feeling excessively hunger or having no appetite at all, feeling tired, or feeling restless
  • Changes in your behavior – Getting agitated easily, crying, feeling irritable or wanting to isolate yourself socially
  • Changes in your mind – Finding it difficult to concentrate, responding to other slowly

You may also experience weight gain or weight loss, and that is an indicator of depression as well.

FINDING COMFORT IN GOD

More than anything, God longs for you to turn to Him during this difficult time in your life. His heart is broken because of the hopelessness and despair you may be feeling, and He wants nothing more than to wrap His arms around you and help you to heal. God’s Word is very clear about what He desires for you if you’re feeling depression setting in.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”

1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”

Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

All throughout God’s Word, there are promises for you to cling to. God has nothing but good plans for your life, and while He didn’t promise us that there would never be trials for us to endure, He did promise us that He would be with us through them all.

GETTING HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL

God is just waiting for you to turn to Him. His arms are open for you, but sometimes it requires the help and support of a professional to allow you to work through the thoughts and feelings that are contributing to depression. Talking with a Christian Marriage Coach and is a really good way to learn more about what God’s Word says about your situation, and it can help you work through your pain in ways that will only lead to good things for your life.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with me, I’d love to hear from you. Please contact me at 843-379-0288, or you can use my convenient online scheduler to make an appointment as well.

Remember, depression is not here to stay. With God’s help, all things are possible; even healing when struggling with depression after your spouse cheated on you.

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