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Honesty in Marriage After an Affair

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When you realized that your husband had been having an affair, you were presented with a choice. You either had to decide to separate and possibly divorce, or you had to work through his betrayal. It might have been a hard decision, but if you both agreed to work through it, then nothing is as important to you right now than honesty and telling the truth.

One of the biggest consequences of an affair – even for couples who decide to work it out – is the loss of trust. Once trust is gone, it can be so challenging to get it back. It can be done, but it definitely takes work.

There are some steps your husband can take to begin the process of restoring trust in your marriage. Let’s talk about what they are.

Commit to Rigorous Honesty

Husbands who have been unfaithful may be in such a pattern of dishonesty that it feels odd for them to tell the truth. Their knee-jerk reaction may be to continue lying, but to do it in a way that is more effective. Unfortunately, those lies pile up and they end up doing nothing to build trust.

Rigorous honesty may not be easy, and it is certainly isn’t fun. It means telling their wives about everything. So they need to be honest about things that might hurt them and make them look bad, as well as things that are not exactly convenient to confide.

Telling the truth quickly is the key, and wives should always be kept in the loop about everything from how much money was spent that day and on what, to any type of questionable social interaction.

As your husband’s wife, you have the right to expect this type of honesty. After an affair, it is more important that you get it now than ever before.

Commit to the Relationship Restoration Process

A lot of husbands quickly become frustrated when they have to wait for trust to be restored in their marriages. They often fall into the trap of thinking that as long as the infidelity stopped, everything should be fine. But that isn’t the way it works at all.

As the betrayed spouse, the hurt and the pain that you feel cuts deep. It’s not something that can be healed just because the action that caused it has stopped. It takes time to get the kind of healing you need, and it’s something that only God can do for you.

Your husband needs to understand what it means to commit to the relationship restoration process. That means absolute honesty about everything all the time, maintaining a commitment to change, and abide by the boundaries set forth in marriage.

Committing to Honesty and Making the Marriage Work

If your husband has made a commitment with you to work on your marriage, that’s wonderful. As believers, we know that relying on God to help us and heal our marriages is exactly what we need to do. But it isn’t always easy to stay on track, and it can be helpful to have someone working alongside you to help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have been able to help so many couples work through their differences. You may be going through the pain of an affair, and are are struggling with what to do and how to move forward. Others may be headed in the direction of an affair, and it all goes back to their issues with honesty and transparency.

God talks about the importance of honesty in so many places in His Word. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” The Bible is a wonderful blueprint for our lives, but sometimes people need guidance in order to see its truths and apply them to their lives.

I can help you if you are struggling because of an affair in your marriage. Together, we can make a plan to help you both make a commitment to honesty as we seek God together. When honesty is applied to marriage, the result is something beautiful. I would love to help you begin your journey toward healing.

How Long Do Affairs Last?

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How Long Do Affairs Last?

When you learn that your spouse is having an affair, it can turn your entire world upside down. A lot of wives wonder, how long do affairs last? They may be confused about how long their husband has been cheating, or they may wonder how long the behavior might possibly continue.

It’s normal to ask a lot of questions once you learn that your spouse is having an affair. This is one that should definitely be answered.

Many Factors Determine How Long Affairs Last

It’s really hard to say with certainty how long affairs last. There are some types of infidelities that only last one night. Others can continue on for many, many years. But the average affair is usually over by about six months.

Again, that is an average. You shouldn’t look at the length of your spouse’s affair in comparison. Your situation might be completely different.

It’s possible that there is a better question we should be asking here. How about, is your husband ready end the affair and break off that relationship?

What Should You Do if You Discover Your Spouse Has Been Cheating?

There is nothing quite as painful as realizing that your husband has been cheating. This is especially true as a Christian. You assumed the best of your spouse, and their betrayal is gut-wrenching. But now that you know about the affair, you need to find out if he’s willing to end it.

This will go one of two ways. Your husband may show signs he’s willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win your heart back. He may even be relieved that you found out about it. Or, he may blame you for his affair move in with his betrayal partner and sacrifice your marriage in the process.

The good news is that 70% of marriages that experience affairs don’t end in divorce.

Nonetheless, in either scenario, there will be pain involved. One carries the pain of healing from a broken marriage; working to put the pieces back together again. The other involves working through the pain of your betrayal trauma and beginning a new life without your husband. Fortunately, neither is a road that you need to walk alone.

John 14:18 reads:  I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you.

How Can a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor Help You?

A Christian marriage coach and counselor I can help you as you go through this difficult time. I can provide you with the Christian counsel that you need if your husband decides to end the marriage. If you decide to try and reconcile, I can provide you the support that’s necessary to help you have a marriage that was stronger than before.

Getting the answer to your question, how long do affairs last? is important. But it’s better to focus on your own situation and what is happening within your marriage. Only then will you be able to decide what your next steps will be. Would you like to learn more about the next steps for you after your husband’s affair? I would love to help you with that.

 

 

How to Deal With a Cheating Husband Biblically

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When your husband cheats on you, you’re overwhelmed and confused about what you should do. A lot of women believe that the right thing to do is to stay and try to work it out no matter how abusive their husband is towards them. Others feel as though their marriage covenant has been violated beyond repair. The reality is God want you to confront a cheating husband in a way that is biblical.

I Timothy 5:20 reads: To them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. 

Your marriage is sacred, and when your husband chooses to violate it, it leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions. You are feeling shock, anger, depression just to name a few. It’s important for you to know what your next steps should be.

How to Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically: Your First Step Should be Prayer

For and foremost ask God to protect, comfort, guide and strength you through this trial. It will only weigh on your mind more and more if you neglect to bring this issue before the Lord. You may start thinking about different scenarios, and turning to friends and family who likely will not offer you the best advice about what you should do. Typically they are too emotionally involved. First and foremost, pray for yourself, for your husband and who to go to for counsel. It will help you much more than you probably realize.

Wait to Talk to Your Husband

Secondly, you may be tempted to want to immediately know every detail of his affair.  You probably have a lot of questions, and your husband should be willing to reveal all the facts. But there is a time and place for this conversation.  A disclosure conversation should take place during a formal procedure with an experienced and trained facilitator such as a counselor, pastor or trusted third party. Disclosures are common in marriage counseling and there is a process for them that keeps the conversation on track and ensures both sides are heard and feel safe.

Asking the Right Questions 

It’s helpful to ask questions like:

  • When did you affair begin?
  • Where did you meet your betrayal partner?
  • What devices did you use to communicate with your betrayal partner?
  • Is this why we stopped having sex 

Avoiding Ill-Advised Questions

It is not helpful to ask questions like:

  • What is her name?
  • What did she do for you that I didn’t?
  • Do think about her when we have sex?
  • What exactly did you do in bed together?

You may want to know all the intimate details or you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. This is very normal.  I have yet to hold a disclosure session where the wife didn’t learn something new. You should have this talk in a place that is free from all distractions so you can concentrate on each other.

You should drive separately to the disclosure meeting and arrange for childcare if needed so that you have 24-hours after the conversation without contact with your spouse to process your feelings.  Spend the day or night with a trusted friend.

During the disclosure conversation I have seen husbands be sincerely remorseful and sorrowful about cheating. Others are angry and tight-lipped, acting act like his affair is your fault.  You’ll likely know where your marriage is headed based on his response.

Research as shown that 86% of couples who have an open and honest disclosure conversation remain married and rebuild trust.

Consider Working with an Experienced Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor

Proverbs 15:22 it states: “Where there is no counsel the people fall.”

It’s possible that wasn’t your husband’s first affair and he crossed a line with you, and you don’t believe that your marriage can ever be the same. Or, maybe he doesn’t have a desire to work on your relationship so that it can heal. If that’s  the case, I can help you through it.

Of course, it’s also possible that your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Maybe you don’t see how it can help, but you’re willing to try. If that’s the way you both feel, I can help you with that as well.

Research has shown that when working with a trained counselor and learning how to deal with cheating husband biblically, 96% of betraying spouses and 93% of betrayed spouses felt it was in their best interest to have a third party go through the disclosure process with them.

If you would like to talk with me about how I can help, please email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or schedule a complimentary consultation at drcarolerb.com.

Regardless, I understand that you are going through one of the hardest times of your life. It’s hard to know how to deal with a cheating husband biblically. Right now things might feel hopeless, but I want to assure you that they’re not. Together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage.  I’ll see you next time and until then I send you grace and peace.  And remember.  You matter.

 

How to Catch Him Cheating

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How to Catch Him Cheating

Perhaps you suspect that your husband is having an affair.  In your gut you’re feeling something is off. The thought of it is consuming you, and it’s hard to think about anything else. Your main thought is, how to catch him cheating?, and you feel as though you won’t rest until you find the answer.

As someone who has dealt with infidelity in marriage before, I completely understand. When a cheating husband has a routine down, it can be hard to catch him. But there are some ways it may be possible.

How to Catch Him Cheating: Look for Signs

Cheating husbands often give off many different signs that indicate they might be being unfaithful. Some of the signs you might want to start looking for include:

  • Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
  • Hiding their phone, and/or always keeping it hidden from your field of vision.
  • Brushing off future plans, such as planning to buy a home or having children.
  • Spending a lot more money than usual, or there is money unaccounted for.
  • Staying at work until late at night.

Of course, these are only a few of the more common signs that indicate someone might be cheating. But they are definitely among the top ones to look for.

Getting Solid Evidence of the Affair

It’s possible that you’ve tried to talk with your husband and let him know of your suspicions. Most men will be adamant that there’s nothing going on, which makes you feel like you’re being played.  You question yourself. This only means you need to get some more concrete information.

There are several things you can do, such as:

  • Checking his email and his trash folder. You may find something there that proves he is being unfaithful.
  • Stop by his office. If he is having an affair with someone at work, you’ll likely be able to tell if he feels uncomfortable with you there.
  • Look at his phone. Try to find a time when his phone is accessible to you and look at his calls and messages.
  • Come home unexpectedly. This is often the best way to catch a husband cheating; especially if you were supposed to be out of town.
  • Confront him on lies he has told, or dates he has canceled. The way that he responds may give you some clues as to whether or not he is cheating.

Proverbs 22:12- The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

What if You Fail to Get Things Sorted Out?

Rather than asking, how to catch him cheating?, you might want to consider the help of a third party.  Why not ask, how can I begin to take care of myself? The answer to that question is by working with a counselor that can help you.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I can give you a lot of guidance through your situation.  I’ve walked in your shoes. Even if your husband hasn’t confessed, and you have no solid evidence, or you’re minimizing what you’ve discovered, you still need support to resolve things.

I can provide you with the help you need during this troubling time. What you’re facing is difficult, but as a Christian woman, I can tell you that I know there are answers. You’re not alone. Together, and with God’s help, you can feel less vulnerable and more in control.

Has Your Self-Worth Been Shattered After an Affair?

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Discovering that your husband has been unfaithful can have a devastating effect on your self worth. Your self-esteem can take a drastic hit that can cause you to have difficulty thinking clearly, and as a result, so many women tend to end up blaming themselves for their marriages falling apart.

Perhaps this is how you have been feeling lately, and even though others have told you that it’s not your fault, you can’t help but think that it is. You may catch yourself time and time again playing the “If only…” game.

  • If only I had paid him more compliments.
  • If only I hadn’t been so unreasonable.
  • If only I was prettier.
  • If only I was thinner.
  • If only I was funnier.
  • If only I was more fun to be around.

In essence, you are beginning to think that you’re not good enough; not for your husband, and certainly not for yourself.

THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO YOU ARE

As Christian women, we do ourselves a disservice when we forget about what the Word of God says about who we are in Christ. God’s Word is powerful, and true, and upon studying it, we learn that:

  • Colossians 2:10 says that you are complete in Him who is the Head of all principality and power.
  • Ephesians 2:5 says that you are alive with Christ.
  • 1 John 5:18 says that you are born of God, and the evil one does not touch me.
  • Ephesians 1:4 says that I you are holy and without blame before Him in love.
  • 1 Corinthians 2:16 says that you have the mind of Christ.
  • 1 John 4:4 says that you have the Greater One living in me; greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
  • Ephesians 2:10 says that you are God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works.

There is no denying who God says you are, and anything that whispers in your ear and tells you that you’re less than His best is from the enemy.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF-WORTH

It’s not enough to read through the Bible and see the truth about who you are one time. This is something you need to get down into your spirit, and it can help to know some practical ways that you can improve your self-worth. Finding out that your husband has been having an affair is an incredible blow to your self-esteem and self-worth. One of the reasons this occurs because you feel like you’ve lost control. The time to start rebuilding your self-worth is now, and there are a few things you can do:

  • Stop blaming yourself for what happened, and every time you start to place the blame on you, take notice, and correct yourself.
  • Don’t compare yourself to the other woman. This will only lead to more negative thoughts about your self worth.
  • Prayerfully consider what you want your future to look like, and what your goals are for your marriage. Keep those in front of you.
  • Take time for yourself to properly care for yourself and your own needs.
  • Consider getting help from a Christian marriage coach who will lead you according to God’s Word and help you understand the steps you need to take next.

The road you’re on is a difficult one to navigate all on your own. If you would like to reach me you can email me at hello@drcarolerb.com .  Or if you would like to speak with me you can schedule a time for us to talk. I would love to support you.  .

Ending An Affair With One Phone Call

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There is one question I get asked all the time. Once a wife has discovered that her husband has been unfaithful, she says, “Carol, he has told me that he’s ended the affair, but how can I trust him?”

Quite honestly, the answer is that you can’t. You can’t believe words; you can only believe behaviors and actions. I have found that there are few husbands who will be completely honest about being unfaithful until they have been caught. If they knew what the consequences of their actions would be – their lies, their deception, their infidelity and their cheating – they would have avoided it at all costs.

Usually, husbands will minimize what they’ve done. They’ll say things like:

• “We were just friends.”
• “It was an emotional affair.”
• “It wasn’t sexual.”
• “We only had sex a few times.”

There aren’t many husbands who are honest about disclosing the details of an affair, and there are a few reasons for this.

1. He wants to protect himself. He may tell you that he’s trying to protect you, but that isn’t true at all. He’s trying to protect himself.

2. He wants to avoid any further consequences because of his behavior.

3. He’s very concerned about looking good. That’s why he’s not being honest about what he has done.

Numbers 32:23 says, Be sure, your sin will find you out.

There is so much truth in that verse.

I once had a client, and we had disclosed that there had been an infidelity. The husband assured his wife that he had told her everything there was to tell her. However, as we continued to work together, he became convicted because he had only dribbled the truth out, bit by bit. Finally, he admitted that he hadn’t been totally honest.

Her response was, “You burned the house down once; and now you’ve burned it down again.” What she meant was that they had started to rebuild on a brand new foundation, and because he hadn’t been completely honest with her, they had to start all over again.

Complete openness and honesty are the only solutions for ending an affair and rebuilding your trust in your husband and in your marriage. Ladies, it’s not the honesty that causes us pain. It’s the dishonesty. It’s not the truth that drives you crazy. It’s the deception.

Most husbands think that their wives can’t handle the truth, and beneath that, lies manipulation and disrespect. You have already been victimized by his infidelity, but by not getting the truth about his behaviors, you’re being victimized twice.

God has given you intuition, and once the truth comes out, everything else begins to become clear. This is exactly what happened to me. My husband would come home at night and I knew things weren’t right. Finally, I looked at him and said, “You’re here, but not really.” Once I discovered his infidelity, all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. Everything became clear.

Your husband is in no place to bargain; especially if he is serious about wanting to rebuild your trust. This relationship with his lover must end for life, and there is a way to do it.

You end an affair with one, final phone call.

For your phone call, he calls his lover, and he puts you on speakerphone. He lets her know that you’re there. This is his final goodbye to her, and he needs to state that he’s been selfish, and that he cares about you and his family. He needs to tell her that he’s going to do everything he can to protect his family. Then he tells her that he is rebuilding his marriage and he’s ending his relationship with her forever.

There will be no more phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages or face-to-face meetings with her. They will never see each other again. He does not mention anything to her about the hurt this may have caused her or how sorry he is. He ends the phone call at that point.

This phone call begins the process of you believing that he is finished with his lover, and solely focused on working on your marriage. Please understand that this is only the first step. It’s going to take many other steps of consistently and persistently rebuilding your trust, but this is how you can know for sure that he has ended the affair.

Have you recently found out that your husband has been having an affair? My job is to help Christian women heal from broken trust, fulfilling their desire to be valued, secure and fully loved. I would love to help you. Please feel free to contact me by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or book a complimentary call to see how I might best support you, and let’s set up a time to talk about the challenges you’re facing.
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