If you have either found out about, or your husband has disclosed his affair, it’s possible that you have decided to work on rebuilding your marriage. That is a wonderful decision, and you can be assured that God has healing in store for you. But in addition to rebuilding your trust, it’s also important to focus on rebuilding intimacy after an affair.

The subject of intimacy is an interesting one to bring up in marriage.  Most couples really do not know what it means. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean sex; although that can be a part of it. So many couples say that they just don’t feel connected with one another especially after an affair.  That’s primarily because intimacy is missing within their marriages.

So, the best time to focus on rebuilding intimacy is after an affair has occurred. There are several different types of intimacy. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss them briefly.

Spiritual Intimacy

I’ve listed this one first because it’s the most important. In fact, when you have spiritual intimacy with your spouse, every other type just tends to fall into place.

Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of the marriage. It involves spending time in the Word together, praying together and worshiping together. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Those are such powerful words, and ones that we should certainly take to heart.

When this type of intimacy is missing in a Christian marriage, there are bound to be problems. Every couple is busy, but it’s worth taking the time to rebuild intimacy and make sure God is first in your relationship.

This is especially true when your husband has had an affair. You should focus on God and allow Him to work in you first and foremost.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy refers to the act of sharing experiences with one another and experiencing feelings. This can be difficult for men to do.  They don’t always like to focus on how they feel. Instead, they’re taught to put their emotions aside and focus on the facts. That’s why so many women end up frustrated with their husbands.

Women feel most connected to their husbands when the emotional intimacy in the marriage is high. For men, they feel most connected when the physical intimacy is high.  Husbands and wives are called to fulfill each other’s needs. So the emotional intimacy part of marriage should never be ignored.

Both husbands and wives should feel completely comfortable in sharing openly with each other. It’s so important to rebuild intimacy through emotional bonds. But your husband may not realize his need for this, and the lack of it could be what led to the affair.

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy means connecting with one another through discussing various issues together. Topics can be serious (like discussing politics), or they can be lighthearted (like discussing a favorite TV show). This type of intimacy fosters an incredible mental connection with the other person.

Intellectual intimacy is usually the highest during the beginning of a relationship.  Typically because the couple is still getting to know one another. Over time, both husbands and wives begin to assume that they know how the other partner feels about various subjects. Quite often, that discussion stops.

Cultivating intellectual intimacy is something that every couple needs to do to have a healthy, thriving marriage. During the healing process from an affair, it can create new connections that are needed to rebuild a couple’s friendship. It’s truly amazing to immerse yourself into the world of how another person thinks, and it contributes to the bond you share together.

Physical Intimacy

While physical intimacy includes sex, it is not only about sex. It also involves non-sexual physical touch, like holding hands or cuddling on the couch. It can be a difficult area to navigate because men often think that any physical intimacy is an invitation for sex. That’s not the case for most women, who typically thrive on those non-sexual ways of expressing their love.

Of all of the different types of intimacy, this one is the most important one to men. This is something that women need to realize. Men tend to feel that they have strong marriages when sexual physical intimacy is the highest. Considering the fact that Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love,” we know God has ordained sex for marriage and that it is blessed.

After an affair, physical intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. But that doesn’t make it any less essential. It can be helpful to talk with a professional to work through the issues that are making it difficult to enjoy this level of intimacy with your husband.

Putting the Intimacy Back Into Your Marriage

A marriage that is filled with intimacy is one that will be fulfilling for both the husband and the wife. But when it’s been missing for so long, it can be hard to get it back.

As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, it gives me so much joy to help couples rebuild intimacy they used to have once again. As they start the process of rediscovering one another, they often find that they fall in love all over again. It’s a beautiful sight, and I can help you in the same way.

Intimacy is the most important part of marriage because it covers so many areas. If your marriage is missing it,  especially after an affair all hope is not lost. God has healing in store for you, and I can help to guide you through the process.



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