Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or online. You’ll naturally want to know the right way to manage social media after an affair.
The reality is that after an affair, there must be a policy of total openness and honesty. If you feel your husband is hiding anything, you can’t build trust. Moving forward you will need access to everything and should have the ability to access what was otherwise considered private.
Fortunately, there are things that can be done to help. This article is mainly about social media. However, not only does your husband need to give you access to his social media accounts, he also will need to give you access to his email accounts, cell phone, computer, iPad, wallet, bank account and safety deposit box just a name a few. The bottom line is your husband has just lost his privacy. Let’s talk about that some more.
Surrendering Social Media
Truthfully, a new way to cheat was invented when social media came about. Suddenly, people started spending extended periods of time on their computers and phones, connecting with people from their past. It’s not surprising that many of those connections are old flames.
For husbands, the answer to avoid getting caught in the social media trap is to surrender it altogether. It might not be easy because websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can cause an addiction to lust in some cases. But your trust was destroyed by your husband’s affair and your heart needs to be protected. Disappearing from social media is one way that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage. This is especially true if the affair began because of social media.
Installing Filtering and Monitoring
When a husband’s affair begins on social media, you will be worried about him continuing to use these sites on his devices. One of the fastest ways to begin rebuilding trust is to install an internet filter and monitoring software on all devices. You will have the ability to block sites, keywords and various domains.
Monitoring software records internet history. A report with internet usage will be created and can be emailed to your husband’s accountability partner(s). It is helpful for you to receive a report as well. Do be aware that often these programs can sometimes show a “false positive.” If this happens it’s important to observe your husband’s reactions. If he’s genuinely concerned fine. If he get’s angry and defensive, that’s a red flag.
You can easily determine if installing filtering and monitoring software is the right path for you by reviewing information on Google. Examples of software monitoring programs are X3watch and Covenant Eyes.
A husband who wants to work on your marriage will understand you need to hold him accountable with his internet activity. He will be more than happy to do what it takes to rebuild trust.
Erasing Browsing History
One surefire way to signal guilt is if you find your husband deleting any browsing history. It looks suspicious to you. If your husband is deleting history on his internet browsers, cell phone texts, voicemails, emails, computer files, etc. it will sound an alarm that he’s hiding something. If you suspect this is happening ask him to clarify anything that seems confusing to you.
One way to avoid this problem is for your husband to sit down with you and have you watch him while he deletes history on his devices. When your husband is willing to be accountable when you have questions he is building your trust. If he reacts and pushes back he will damage your trust.
Investing in Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling
In the world we live in, anything and everything is vying for our attention. Social media is just one example, and there are many others. It can be so easy to get deterred by the lure of it, but that does not mean your marriage has to end as a result.
Christian marriage coaching and counseling can be so helpful and life-changing. It makes such a difference to have someone to talk with about these types of problems, but you want to make sure that the guidance and direction you receive is centered on God’s Word.
The reality is that social media is powerful, and when it is misused, it can destroy a marriage. This is especially true after an affair that begins on social media. That does not have to happen to you and your husband. Together, we can find solid solutions that are based on Scripture to help you rebuild your marriage on truth.
If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain.
But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust and healing your marriage. That is a commendable decision, and it can be a really difficult one to make. It can be so helpful to know how to set appropriate boundaries on the job. Therefore, you need to know that your husband is being faithful to you when he’s at work. In doing so, he will need to be doing his part to provide you with a sense of security you need while he’s on the job.
Committing to Never Spending Time Alone With a Co-Worker
It’s normal to have a favorite co-worker at the office or on the job. But your husband should not choose a favorite who is a woman. Doing so puts your marriage in jeopardy because it can lead to communications that can quickly become inappropriate.
When a husband has had a work-related affair, he should maintain clearly drawn lines you set for him. Your husband and the opposite sex should never spend time alone with each other. There can be no physical contact except an appropriate handshake. And he should avoid any type of behavior that you would not approve of.
That includes getting in the elevator with another woman going for walks, texting, and minimizing business travel. After a husband has an affair he will do well to eliminate or greatly reduce time that allows for one-on-one interaction with a female. He must take your sense of security extremely seriously.
Committing to Avoid Sharing Details About His Marriage
Women are, by default, really good listeners. Men recognize this, which is why so many men gravitate toward women they work with when they have affairs. In addition to being more discreet in many ways, women at work provide them with someone they can confide in.
Your husband should commit to not sharing anything about your marriage with another woman at work. Whether that means venting about something that bothers him, or sharing something that he had only previously shared with you. Providing any type of information like that is only a way to build intimacy with someone who is not his wife.
Committing to His Work Schedule
There may be some jobs that offer flexible hours, or even require late nights or early mornings. But for the most part, your husband probably has a start time and a stop time at his job. He should be willing to make a commitment to you to come home immediately after work. So many affairs start because the husband uses the excuse of having to work late.
If your husband truly does have to work late, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be in communication with you frequently during that time. That way, you will feel more assured that his lateness is truly because of something unavoidable at work.
Have You Been Betrayed Because of an Affair?
Perhaps you are in this situation yourself, and your spouse recently disclosed a work-related affair. It’s understandable how you feel, and the pain you are having is very real. But please know that healing is possible.
You may be in a position where both you and your spouse are willing to work through the affair so you can reconcile. Or, you may be contemplating separation. It is also possible that you aren’t sure what to do, or where to turn.
The Word of God has so much to say about your situation. God has healing in store for you, and together, we can take the steps to see that healing manifested in your life. The road you’re on may seem lonely and endless right now, but you can go from betrayal to healing.
If you have either found out about, or your husband has disclosed his affair, it’s possible that you have decided to work on rebuilding your marriage. That is a wonderful decision, and you can be assured that God has healing in store for you. But in addition to rebuilding your trust, it’s also important to focus on rebuilding intimacy and its place in your relationship with your husband.
The subject of intimacy is an interesting one to bring up in marriage. Most couples really do not know what it means. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean sex; although that can be a part of it. So many couples say that they just don’t feel connected with one another especially after an affair. That’s primarily because intimacy is missing within their marriages.
So, the best time to focus on rebuilding intimacy is after an affair has occurred. There are several different types of intimacy. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss them briefly.
I’ve listed this one first because it’s the most important. In fact, when you have spiritual intimacy with your spouse, every other type just tends to fall into place.
Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of the marriage. It involves spending time in the Word together, praying together and worshiping together. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Those are such powerful words, and ones that we should certainly take to heart.
When this type of intimacy is missing in a Christian marriage, there are bound to be problems. Every couple is busy, but it’s worth taking the time to rebuild intimacy and make sure God is first in your relationship.
This is especially true when your husband has had an affair. You should focus on God and allow Him to work in you first and foremost.
Emotional intimacy refers to the act of sharing experiences with one another and experiencing feelings. This can be difficult for men to do. They don’t always like to focus on how they feel. Instead, they’re taught to put their emotions aside and focus on the facts. That’s why so many women end up frustrated with their husbands.
Women feel most connected to their husbands when the emotional intimacy in the marriage is high. For men, they feel most connected when the physical intimacy is high. Husbands and wives are called to fulfill each other’s needs. So the emotional intimacy part of marriage should never be ignored.
Both husbands and wives should feel completely comfortable in sharing openly with each other. It’s so important to rebuild intimacy through emotional bonds. But your husband may not realize his need for this, and the lack of it could be what led to the affair.
Intellectual intimacy means connecting with one another through discussing various issues together. Topics can be serious (like discussing politics), or they can be lighthearted (like discussing a favorite TV show). This type of intimacy fosters an incredible mental connection with the other person.
Intellectual intimacy is usually the highest during the beginning of a relationship. Typically because the couple is still getting to know one another. Over time, both husbands and wives begin to assume that they know how the other partner feels about various subjects. Quite often, that discussion stops.
Cultivating intellectual intimacy is something that every couple needs to do to have a healthy, thriving marriage. During the healing process from an affair, it can create new connections that are needed to rebuild a couple’s friendship. It’s truly amazing to immerse yourself into the world of how another person thinks, and it contributes to the bond you share together.
While physical intimacy includes sex, it is not only about sex. It also involves non-sexual physical touch, like holding hands or cuddling on the couch. It can be a difficult area to navigate because men often think that any physical intimacy is an invitation for sex. That’s not the case for most women, who typically thrive on those non-sexual ways of expressing their love.
Of all of the different types of intimacy, this one is the most important one to men. This is something that women need to realize. Men tend to feel that they have strong marriages when sexual physical intimacy is the highest. Considering the fact that Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love,” we know God has ordained sex for marriage and that it is blessed.
After an affair, physical intimacy may be the last thing on your mind. But that doesn’t make it any less essential. It can be helpful to talk with a professional to work through the issues that are making it difficult to enjoy this level of intimacy with your husband.
Putting the Intimacy Back Into Your Marriage
A marriage that is filled with intimacy is one that will be fulfilling for both the husband and the wife. But when it’s been missing for so long, it can be hard to get it back.
As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, it gives me so much joy to help couples rebuild intimacy they used to have once again. As they start the process of rediscovering one another, they often find that they fall in love all over again. It’s a beautiful sight, and I can help you in the same way.
Intimacy is the most important part of marriage because it covers so many areas. If your marriage is missing it, especially after an affair all hope is not lost. God has healing in store for you, and I can help to guide you through the process.
When you realized that your husband had been having an affair, you were presented with a choice. You either had to decide to separate and possibly divorce, or you had to work through his betrayal. It might have been a hard decision, but if you both agreed to work through it, then nothing is as important to you right now than honesty and telling the truth.
One of the biggest consequences of an affair – even for couples who decide to work it out – is the loss of trust. Once trust is gone, it can be so challenging to get it back. It can be done, but it definitely takes work.
There are some steps your husband can take to begin the process of restoring trust in your marriage. Let’s talk about what they are.
Commit to Rigorous Honesty
Husbands who have been unfaithful may be in such a pattern of dishonesty that it feels odd for them to tell the truth. Their knee-jerk reaction may be to continue lying, but to do it in a way that is more effective. Unfortunately, those lies pile up and they end up doing nothing to build trust.
Rigorous honesty may not be easy, and it is certainly isn’t fun. It means telling their wives about everything. So they need to be honest about things that might hurt them and make them look bad, as well as things that are not exactly convenient to confide.
Telling the truth quickly is the key, and wives should always be kept in the loop about everything from how much money was spent that day and on what, to any type of questionable social interaction.
As your husband’s wife, you have the right to expect this type of honesty. After an affair, it is more important that you get it now than ever before.
Commit to the Relationship Restoration Process
A lot of husbands quickly become frustrated when they have to wait for trust to be restored in their marriages. They often fall into the trap of thinking that as long as the infidelity stopped, everything should be fine. But that isn’t the way it works at all.
As the betrayed spouse, the hurt and the pain that you feel cuts deep. It’s not something that can be healed just because the action that caused it has stopped. It takes time to get the kind of healing you need, and it’s something that only God can do for you.
Your husband needs to understand what it means to commit to the relationship restoration process. That means absolute honesty about everything all the time, maintaining a commitment to change, and abide by the boundaries set forth in marriage.
Committing to Honesty and Making the Marriage Work
If your husband has made a commitment with you to work on your marriage, that’s wonderful. As believers, we know that relying on God to help us and heal our marriages is exactly what we need to do. But it isn’t always easy to stay on track, and it can be helpful to have someone working alongside you to help you.
As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have been able to help so many couples work through their differences. You may be going through the pain of an affair, and are are struggling with what to do and how to move forward. Others may be headed in the direction of an affair, and it all goes back to their issues with honesty and transparency.
God talks about the importance of honesty in so many places in His Word. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” The Bible is a wonderful blueprint for our lives, but sometimes people need guidance in order to see its truths and apply them to their lives.
I can help you if you are struggling because of an affair in your marriage. Together, we can make a plan to help you both make a commitment to honesty as we seek God together. When honesty is applied to marriage, the result is something beautiful. I would love to help you begin your journey toward healing.