Accountability is one of the most important parts of rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair. If you’re a woman whose husband has been unfaithful, and you’ve decided to look to God to heal your marriage, this is one tool that you can’t ignore. It will be so helpful for both of you to know that your husband’s accountability helps rebuild trust.
If this is a new concept to you, I’d like to take a moment and share more about it. That way, you will understand how it is supposed to work, and what the expected outcome should be.
Choosing the Right Accountability Partners
In Hebrews 10:24-25, it says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
The Word of God encourages all of us to have accountability partners; people who will support us, guide us and direct us. With that in mind, how much more important to have someone your husband can rely on to keep him accountable? The only question is, how does your husband choose someone to fill that role?
It’s best for your husband to avoid choosing a family member, such as a parent or a father-in-law. The best accountability partners do not have any emotional ties to the situation at all. Your husband should choose men who are farther ahead in their walks with Jesus. This might be a role that your pastor could fill, or perhaps there’s someone in your church whom your husband has always admired for their relationship with God.
The Conditions of Accountability
While it is up to your husband who he chooses, he should be willing to allow you to approve or disapprove of his choice. You should feel comfortable with his accountability partner. If you don’t, he should have no problem choosing someone else. Your husband needs to look for an accountability partner who is more mature and ahead of him spiritually.
In addition, an accountability partner needs to be ahead of your husband on their recovery journey. It’s helpful if this man can help your husband work through the pitfalls he’ll encounter. And your husband knows that you need to have an open line of communication with his accountability partner. That means that you should be able to call them at any time you may have a question or need an update on your husband’s progress.
What Does Staying Accountable Look Like?
Once your husband has chosen an accountability partner, he needs to connect with that person on a regular basis. It might be very tempting for him to ignore the relationship from time to time simply because he might not feel comfortable sharing and becoming vulnerable with another man. Many husbands may push back on this, but those who do typically have something to hide.
It’s best to talk about what you envision as accountability before the process even begins. As for yourself, how will you know if your husband is staying accountable? You may feel as though weekly meetings are sufficient, or even weekly phone calls. Maybe you would prefer for him to connect with his partner face-to-face once a week, and then have an additional phone call at another time.
No matter what you envision, your husband needs to be willing to accommodate that. He must remember that his accountability helps rebuild trust. The best part is that having an accountability partner may help him to cultivate a lifelong friendship. This friendship is one that he might not have had otherwise. Sharing with another Christian man who can hold him up and encourage him is vital in his healing journey.
Moving From Betrayal to Healing
Rebuilding trust after a betrayal can be so difficult, and yet, it can be so rewarding at the same time. So many couples have found healing for their marriages because they took the time to seek the Lord and His will for their lives. Your husband’s willingness to be accountable helps rebuild trust and that accountability can’t be minimized or ignored.
From Betrayal to Healing can take you through the process of healing and helps by providing accountability for rebuilding trust. These resources are built upon the Word of God. I believe that together, we can find the healing you are seeking.
God can restore your marriage. He will use the truth in His Word, accountability and His never-ending love to accomplish more than you could ever ask or imagine.
Transparency is non-negotiable after a betrayal if you intend to rebuild the trust in your marriage. You husband’s staying transparent after an affair won’t come naturally to him. But it’s something he can work on. And, together, you can experience the beautiful changes that come into your marriage as a result.
There’s a reason why Solomon wrote in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Once an affair has made its way into your marriage, complete and total transparency (honesty) is a major part of the “glue” that will bring you back together. Let’s talk about what that looks like in more detail.
What is Transparency?
Transparency is best described by taking a look at its first appearance in the Bible; in the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The ultimate form of transparency is when a husband and wife are hiding nothing. But your husband’s affair was anything but transparent. If fact your husband has become the exact opposite of that.
Being transparent means a few things:
- No more lies being told.
- No more secrets being kept.
- No defensiveness when questions are asked.
- No vague responses to questions.
- No keeping any type of news from your spouse, whatsoever.
Of course, this also trickles down into every area of your lives. That means not having any secret bank accounts or social media accounts. It means sharing passwords for everything. And never clearing the history on your phone or computer.
When a husband has spent so much time and energy hiding information, staying transparent after an affair is difficult. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.
Providing Details Help in Staying Transparent after an Affair
As the betrayed wife, it’s understandable that you have questions. You may have questions about the affair itself. Or, you may feel suspicious and “grill” your husband after a long day at the office. This is completely normal, and there’s a good reason for this behavior. You feel the way that you do because of his betrayal.
Husband, if your wife is constantly asking questions, it’s because she has doubts. She doesn’t feel as though she’s getting all the information she needs. For you, giving your wife as many details as possible can prevent long, drawn-out interrogations. Let your wife be the judge as far as how much she wants to know, and answer all of her questions with complete and total honesty.
It’s often easier for husbands to leave out details because they feel that they’re protecting their wives. But this actually hurts her more than the truth ever could. Wives don’t want their husbands hiding anything from them. It’s only in total transparency that forgiveness and healing can take place.
Staying Transparent After an Affair Leads to Emotional Connection
Once you have reached the place where your husband is being transparent with you, you may find that you’re still disappointed. However, no matter how much he tells you, there will always be a desire to learn more. You’ll never be able to make complete sense of what your husband has done. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be healed. And, it doesn’t mean that your trust can’t be restored.
In 1 Corinthians 4:5, Paul says, “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.” The truth always comes to light. And when it does, amazing things happen to God’s children.
Staying transparent after an affair is the best way for your husband to restore emotional intimacy with you. It allows him to connect with you on levels you may not have ever experienced before. When your husband is honest with you, he provides you with details and answers your questions. Then, God can work in your marriage. He can work in your husband too. God will provide the type of healing that only He can.
Moving From Betrayal to Healing
Right now, it may not seem as though healing is in store for you or your marriage. Even if you and your husband have decided to reconcile, the road ahead may seem long, and frankly, impossible to maneuver. It is, but only if you walk it alone.
I created From Betrayal to Healing for women like you. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and affairs are much too common; even among Christians. But these resources can provide you with the support and help you need from a Biblical perspective.
The guidance you need to get through this troubling time is available. Together, we can seek God’s will for your marriage and start the healing process He intends for you to experience.
When rebuilding trust in your marriage after an affair, your husband’s relationship with God is essential for both of you. It is especially important for your husband to seek God’s heart and continue to grow in his faith. However, couples in this situation aren’t sure where to begin. Consequently, they need to do in order to grow in their relationship with the Lord.
Fortunately, God has given us a complete instruction manual in His Word. Let’s talk about what the Bible has to say about your husband’s spiritual commitment in light of his recent betrayal.
Your Husband’s Relationship with God Begins with Repentance and Forgiveness
Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That verse is powerful, and while it doesn’t justify your husband’s affair, it does indicate that he’s not alone. Sin is a part of the world we live in, but remaining in it should never be an option. We are so blessed that God has forgiveness in store for us. However in order to access it, we must turn from our sinful ways..
In Luke 5:32, Jesus said, “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” According to Merriam-Webster, the word repent means, “To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life.”
Repentance is crucial for your husband. If he is a believer he has been given an obedient heart and isn’t wired to sin. On the other hand, if he’s an unbeliever he hasn’t received God’s forgiveness, confessed and turned from his sin. I John 1:8-9 “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
This is first place to start if your husband is an unbeliever. Respectfully request that he talk with your pastor, or another spiritual leader in your church. You will see a difference when your husband’s relationship with God begins to show change. Once that happens, the healing process can really begin for you both.
Healing After an Affair Through Spiritual Leadership
In Galatians 3:28, the Bible states that men and women are equal. But that doesn’t mean that your husband shouldn’t assume his role as the spiritual leader of your home. After all, it is a role that God assigned to him. In Colossians 3:19, Paul instructed, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
In Ephesians 5:25, Paul also emphasizes the importance of husbands leading their wives. He says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Being a spiritual leader may be a foreign concept to your husband. Or, it could be that after the affair, he doesn’t feel prepared to lead properly. Again, talking with your pastor can really make a big difference in your husband’s relationship with God. And it will help him envision and put into practice spiritual leadership in your home.
Continuing to Grow in Faith
Finally, your husband should continue to grow in his faith and in his relationship with God. There are many ways that he can do this, such as:
- Making church attendance his first priority.
- Getting involved in a men’s Bible study.
- Committing to a small group.
- Attending a men’s group at your church.
- Reading his Bible daily.
As he grows, and as God works in him, you will probably begin to see him get interested in more than one. That is the way your husband’s relationship with God should progress. Consequently, it will help you as he lives for God and learns how to rebuild your trust after an affair.
Finding Support After an Affair
You don’t have to go through these challenges on your own. Perhaps you’re a woman whose husband has recently had an affair and the two of you have decided to reconcile. That is such a blessing, but it will also take a lot of healing as you rebuild that trust.
From Betrayal to Healing can be a powerful source of support for you after your husband’s affair. You undoubtedly have so many questions that need to be answered. Additionally you have multiple issues that have to be worked through. I would love to partner with you and walk by your side as you go through this process.
Trust can be rebuilt. Hearts can be healed. God says it in His Word, and He has never lied. I hope you’ll join me.
Social media is everywhere you look. First it infiltrated computers, and now it has infiltrated our phones and other mobile devices as well. But if your husband has had an affair, it’s natural for you to feel skeptical about every type of interaction he has with another person; whether those interactions are in person or online. You’ll naturally want to know the right way to manage social media after an affair.
The reality is that after an affair, there must be a policy of total openness and honesty. If you feel your husband is hiding anything, you can’t build trust. Moving forward you will need access to everything and should have the ability to access what was otherwise considered private.
Fortunately, there are things that can be done to help. This article is mainly about social media. However, not only does your husband need to give you access to his social media accounts, he also will need to give you access to his email accounts, cell phone, computer, iPad, wallet, bank account and safety deposit box just a name a few. The bottom line is your husband has just lost his privacy. Let’s talk about that some more.
Surrendering Social Media
Truthfully, a new way to cheat was invented when social media came about. Suddenly, people started spending extended periods of time on their computers and phones, connecting with people from their past. It’s not surprising that many of those connections are old flames.
For husbands, the answer to avoid getting caught in the social media trap is to surrender it altogether. It might not be easy because websites like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can cause an addiction to lust in some cases. But your trust was destroyed by your husband’s affair and your heart needs to be protected. Disappearing from social media is one way that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage. This is especially true if the affair began because of social media.
Installing Filtering and Monitoring
When a husband’s affair begins on social media, you will be worried about him continuing to use these sites on his devices. One of the fastest ways to begin rebuilding trust is to install an internet filter and monitoring software on all devices. You will have the ability to block sites, keywords and various domains.
Monitoring software records internet history. A report with internet usage will be created and can be emailed to your husband’s accountability partner(s). It is helpful for you to receive a report as well. Do be aware that often these programs can sometimes show a “false positive.” If this happens it’s important to observe your husband’s reactions. If he’s genuinely concerned fine. If he get’s angry and defensive, that’s a red flag.
You can easily determine if installing filtering and monitoring software is the right path for you by reviewing information on Google. Examples of software monitoring programs are X3watch and Covenant Eyes.
A husband who wants to work on your marriage will understand you need to hold him accountable with his internet activity. He will be more than happy to do what it takes to rebuild trust.
Erasing Browsing History
One surefire way to signal guilt is if you find your husband deleting any browsing history. It looks suspicious to you. If your husband is deleting history on his internet browsers, cell phone texts, voicemails, emails, computer files, etc. it will sound an alarm that he’s hiding something. If you suspect this is happening ask him to clarify anything that seems confusing to you.
One way to avoid this problem is for your husband to sit down with you and have you watch him while he deletes history on his devices. When your husband is willing to be accountable when you have questions he is building your trust. If he reacts and pushes back he will damage your trust.
Investing in Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling
In the world we live in, anything and everything is vying for our attention. Social media is just one example, and there are many others. It can be so easy to get deterred by the lure of it, but that does not mean your marriage has to end as a result.
Christian marriage coaching and counseling can be so helpful and life-changing. It makes such a difference to have someone to talk with about these types of problems, but you want to make sure that the guidance and direction you receive is centered on God’s Word.
The reality is that social media is powerful, and when it is misused, it can destroy a marriage. This is especially true after an affair that begins on social media. That does not have to happen to you and your husband. Together, we can find solid solutions that are based on Scripture to help you rebuild your marriage on truth.
If your husband has had a work-related affair, the news of it probably came as quite a shock to you. Whether you found out on your own, or he disclosed it to you, it hurt more than you can explain.
But perhaps you and your husband are willing to put the time into restoring trust and healing your marriage. That is a commendable decision, and it can be a really difficult one to make. It can be so helpful to know how to set appropriate boundaries on the job. Therefore, you need to know that your husband is being faithful to you when he’s at work. In doing so, he will need to be doing his part to provide you with a sense of security you need while he’s on the job.
Committing to Never Spending Time Alone With a Co-Worker
It’s normal to have a favorite co-worker at the office or on the job. But your husband should not choose a favorite who is a woman. Doing so puts your marriage in jeopardy because it can lead to communications that can quickly become inappropriate.
When a husband has had a work-related affair, he should maintain clearly drawn lines you set for him. Your husband and the opposite sex should never spend time alone with each other. There can be no physical contact except an appropriate handshake. And he should avoid any type of behavior that you would not approve of.
That includes getting in the elevator with another woman going for walks, texting, and minimizing business travel. After a husband has an affair he will do well to eliminate or greatly reduce time that allows for one-on-one interaction with a female. He must take your sense of security extremely seriously.
Committing to Avoid Sharing Details About His Marriage
Women are, by default, really good listeners. Men recognize this, which is why so many men gravitate toward women they work with when they have affairs. In addition to being more discreet in many ways, women at work provide them with someone they can confide in.
Your husband should commit to not sharing anything about your marriage with another woman at work. Whether that means venting about something that bothers him, or sharing something that he had only previously shared with you. Providing any type of information like that is only a way to build intimacy with someone who is not his wife.
Committing to His Work Schedule
There may be some jobs that offer flexible hours, or even require late nights or early mornings. But for the most part, your husband probably has a start time and a stop time at his job. He should be willing to make a commitment to you to come home immediately after work. So many affairs start because the husband uses the excuse of having to work late.
If your husband truly does have to work late, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be in communication with you frequently during that time. That way, you will feel more assured that his lateness is truly because of something unavoidable at work.
Have You Been Betrayed Because of an Affair?
Perhaps you are in this situation yourself, and your spouse recently disclosed a work-related affair. It’s understandable how you feel, and the pain you are having is very real. But please know that healing is possible.
You may be in a position where both you and your spouse are willing to work through the affair so you can reconcile. Or, you may be contemplating separation. It is also possible that you aren’t sure what to do, or where to turn.
The Word of God has so much to say about your situation. God has healing in store for you, and together, we can take the steps to see that healing manifested in your life. The road you’re on may seem lonely and endless right now, but you can go from betrayal to healing.