When your husband cheats on you, you’re overwhelmed and confused about what you should do. A lot of women believe that the right thing to do is to stay and try to work it out no matter how abusive their husband is towards them. Others feel as though their marriage covenant has been violated beyond repair. The reality is God want you to confront a cheating husband in a way that is biblical.
I Timothy 5:20 reads: To them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.
Your marriage is sacred, and when your husband chooses to violate it, it leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions. You are feeling shock, anger, depression just to name a few. It’s important for you to know what your next steps should be.
How to Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically: Your First Step Should be Prayer
For and foremost ask God to protect, comfort, guide and strength you through this trial. It will only weigh on your mind more and more if you neglect to bring this issue before the Lord. You may start thinking about different scenarios, and turning to friends and family who likely will not offer you the best advice about what you should do. Typically they are too emotionally involved. First and foremost, pray for yourself, for your husband and who to go to for counsel. It will help you much more than you probably realize.
Wait to Talk to Your Husband
Secondly, you may be tempted to want to immediately know every detail of his affair. You probably have a lot of questions, and your husband should be willing to reveal all the facts. But there is a time and place for this conversation. A disclosure conversation should take place during a formal procedure with an experienced and trained facilitator such as a counselor, pastor or trusted third party. Disclosures are common in marriage counseling and there is a process for them that keeps the conversation on track and ensures both sides are heard and feel safe.
Asking the Right Questions
It’s helpful to ask questions like:
When did you affair begin?
Where did you meet your betrayal partner?
What devices did you use to communicate with your betrayal partner?
Is this why we stopped having sex
Avoiding Ill-Advised Questions
It is not helpful to ask questions like:
What is her name?
What did she do for you that I didn’t?
Do think about her when we have sex?
What exactly did you do in bed together?
You may want to know all the intimate details or you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. This is very normal. I have yet to hold a disclosure session where the wife didn’t learn something new. You should have this talk in a place that is free from all distractions so you can concentrate on each other.
You should drive separately to the disclosure meeting and arrange for childcare if needed so that you have 24-hours after the conversation without contact with your spouse to process your feelings. Spend the day or night with a trusted friend.
During the disclosure conversation I have seen husbands be sincerely remorseful and sorrowful about cheating. Others are angry and tight-lipped, acting act like his affair is your fault. You’ll likely know where your marriage is headed based on his response.
Research as shown that 86% of couples who have an open and honest disclosure conversation remain married and rebuild trust.
Consider Working with an Experienced Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor
Proverbs 15:22 it states: “Where there is no counsel the people fall.”
It’s possible that wasn’t your husband’s first affair and he crossed a line with you, and you don’t believe that your marriage can ever be the same. Or, maybe he doesn’t have a desire to work on your relationship so that it can heal. If that’s the case, I can help you through it.
Of course, it’s also possible that your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Maybe you don’t see how it can help, but you’re willing to try. If that’s the way you both feel, I can help you with that as well.
Research has shown that when working with a trained counselor and learning how to deal with cheating husband biblically, 96% of betraying spouses and 93% of betrayed spouses felt it was in their best interest to have a third party go through the disclosure process with them.
If you would like to talk with me about how I can help, please email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or schedule a complimentary consultation at drcarolerb.com.
Regardless, I understand that you are going through one of the hardest times of your life. It’s hard to know how to deal with a cheating husband biblically. Right now things might feel hopeless, but I want to assure you that they’re not. Together, we can seek God and His will for your life and your marriage. I’ll see you next time and until then I send you grace and peace. And remember. You matter.
Perhaps you suspect that your husband is having an affair. In your gut you’re feeling something is off. The thought of it is consuming you, and it’s hard to think about anything else. Your main thought is, how to catch him cheating?, and you feel as though you won’t rest until you find the answer.
As someone who has dealt with infidelity in marriage before, I completely understand. When a cheating husband has a routine down, it can be hard to catch him. But there are some ways it may be possible.
How to Catch Him Cheating: Look for Signs
Cheating husbands often give off many different signs that indicate they might be being unfaithful. Some of the signs you might want to start looking for include:
Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
Hiding their phone, and/or always keeping it hidden from your field of vision.
Brushing off future plans, such as planning to buy a home or having children.
Spending a lot more money than usual, or there is money unaccounted for.
Staying at work until late at night.
Of course, these are only a few of the more common signs that indicate someone might be cheating. But they are definitely among the top ones to look for.
Getting Solid Evidence of the Affair
It’s possible that you’ve tried to talk with your husband and let him know of your suspicions. Most men will be adamant that there’s nothing going on, which makes you feel like you’re being played. You question yourself. This only means you need to get some more concrete information.
There are several things you can do, such as:
Checking his email and his trash folder. You may find something there that proves he is being unfaithful.
Stop by his office. If he is having an affair with someone at work, you’ll likely be able to tell if he feels uncomfortable with you there.
Look at his phone. Try to find a time when his phone is accessible to you and look at his calls and messages.
Come home unexpectedly. This is often the best way to catch a husband cheating; especially if you were supposed to be out of town.
Confront him on lies he has told, or dates he has canceled. The way that he responds may give you some clues as to whether or not he is cheating.
Proverbs 22:12- The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.
What if You Fail to Get Things Sorted Out?
Rather than asking, how to catch him cheating?, you might want to consider the help of a third party. Why not ask, how can I begin to take care of myself? The answer to that question is by working with a counselor that can help you.
As a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I can give you a lot of guidance through your situation. I’ve walked in your shoes. Even if your husband hasn’t confessed, and you have no solid evidence, or you’re minimizing what you’ve discovered, you still need support to resolve things.
I can provide you with the help you need during this troubling time. What you’re facing is difficult, but as a Christian woman, I can tell you that I know there are answers. You’re not alone. Together, and with God’s help, you can feel less vulnerable and more in control.
What is the Percentage of Couples Who Stay Together After Cheating?
For many couples – even Christian ones – finding out that one spouse has had an affair results in an automatic separation and possibly a divorce. But for others, it is possible to work through the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Some couples even report getting through the situation with an even stronger marriage.
If you are facing the stress of dealing with your spouse’s affair, you may wonder how this could have happened. What is it that allows these people to want to continue working on their marriages? Other may be concerned with thinking what if my spouse has an affair again. These are both really good questions.
Let’s take a look at the percentage of couples who stay together after cheating. You might be surprised at what you learn about them.
How Can a Marriage Work After a Spouse Has Cheated?
Unfortunately, it is really difficult to get hard and fast statistics about how many couples decide to stay together after one spouse has been unfaithful. Research is even unclear about how many men and women will be involved in affairs in their lifetimes. Some researchers indicate that 2.3% of married women, and 4.3% of married men will cheat on their spouses. Others put those numbers much higher – 25% for men and 11% for women.
Here is what we do know for sure – when one spouse has cheated, and both partners are committed to making the marriage work, healing can take place in their relationship.
Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair?
This is a question that only you and your spouse can answer, and it is different for everyone. You may find that when you both put in the work, your marriage can become even stronger. Or, you may feel as though too much trust has been lost and your husband shows no sign of remorse and enough is enough. You need to move on and heal in a way that means you need to separate.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” Proverbs 27:12.
I never recommend divorce as that’s a decision made between you and God.
As a Christian, it can be difficult for you to know what the right thing is for you to do. Working as a Christian marriage coach and counselor, I have helped many couples navigate these troublesome waters and get the right answer for them.
You may be feeling overwhelmed and betrayed because your husband cheated on you and don’t know what to do next. I can help you rebuild your confidence, reignite your faith, and remove your fear of the future so you can trust your decisions and take the next right step in your marriage and life. With the right strategies, you will be left feeling peaceful and confident in dealing with the present and facing the future.
We may not be able to indicate the exact percentage of couples who stay together after cheating, but we do know one thing. That percentage really has no bearing on what happens with your marriage. Together, we can find a solution that will help you heal and move on either on your own, or with your spouse.
A woman will often have a certain thought shortly after discovering that her husband has been unfaithful. Deep down inside, one of her deepest fears is, Is this somehow my fault? I feel it is important to address this because much of the advice she receives is not altogether helpful. Depending on whether she speaks to family, friends, or someone in her Christian community, she is usually met with one of these types of questions:
Do you feel as though you’ve been the wife you should have been?
Were you doing your job as his wife?
Were you meeting your husband’s needs? Could that be why he decided to go outside the marriage?
Maybe you need to dress sexier. Have you been doing that?
You look like you may have put on a few pounds. Could you try working out to try and lose some weight?
Is it possible for you to try to cook better meals for him?
Did you make sure the house was always tidy and the children were settled when he came home from work?
Have you loved him unconditionally?
Women will also hear this type of counsel from a variety of sources:
Maybe you need to have more faith and really pray about this. Pray about your marriage. Pray for your husband.
You are being really unforgiving. Stop talking about this. Don’t be so sad and mope around all the time. Just be glad he hasn’t left you.
Why don’t you focus on the marriage? Go out on a date night. Have some daily devotionals together. Work on your communication and find out each other’s love language. Maybe that will help turn things around.
The problem with this type of counsel is that it only further traumatizes the wife. She is not able to recover because she feels responsible for her husband. She feels as though she’s responsible for his recovery, and for somehow stopping the infidelity or his use of pornography. She feels like she has to become a detective and inspect what he’s doing or what he’s viewing. She may feel like she has to police him, get books for him to read or set up counseling appointments. All of this focuses on her husband, and she is unable to heal. As a result, she becomes very fearful and insecure.
When a husband is not held accountable for his sin, and when there has been no formal disclosure, or any type of timeline about what has occurred, he is very likely to repeat his behavior, continue in sin and not heal. Trust cannot be rebuilt this way. Forgiveness cannot even begin to take place because there hasn’t been any trust building, and reconciliation is so far away. This type of counseling is unbiblical, and here’s why.
In Matthew 18:15-17, it says, If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.
If you fail to confront your sinning spouse, you are enabling his sin. You have no influence over him. When you have taken all the steps that are in Matthew 18, you can know that you have done all that you possibly can. The real reason this infidelity is not your fault is because he is the one in sin. I have yet to meet a spouse who has put a gun to the head of her husband and commanded him to commit infidelity or sexual impurity. He is fully at fault.
To settle your heart, please know that God says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you are the spouse who has been the recipient of the sin, what you are feeling is false guilt. Please know that you do not need to fear. God will see you through it.
If you would like to reach me at hello@drcarolerb.com . Or if you would like to speak with me schedule a time for us to talk. The Biblical counsel and the steps needed to address this problem are available, and I would love to support you. Hangeth thou in there and I’m sending you God’s grace and peace.
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