It’s never easy to face the fact that your spouse has betrayed you; especially when that comes in the form of some type of sexual betrayal. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself falling into a lot of different traps that actually prevent you from grieving properly.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
1. DENIAL AND MINIMIZING
You don’t want to believe that your spouse is involved in any type of pornography, infidelity or sexual addiction. In fact, it’s much easier for you if you just pretend it doesn’t exist or you try to explain it away. It seems easier to ignore your feelings or repress your intuition that something’s not right. You may respond by quickly forgiving just to move on. Or, you make excuses for your spouse’s behavior despite the evidence. Deep down, you might realize that you’re not handling the situation properly, but it feels safer for you to deny it or minimize it.
2. ABANDONING THE RELATIONSHIP
Some people react the opposite way. You move out. Or you’re really eager to immediately file for divorce. Another way you may leave the relationship is to stay angry, keep late hours at work or sleep the day away. People handle pain in different ways to escape the heartbreak of a betrayal. You might be surprised to find out that sometimes there are other ways you can find healing and restoration for your marriage.
3. FIXING THE DAMAGE
Perhaps you have been betrayed by your spouse and your first response is to try and fix the damage that’s been done. Maybe you find yourself constantly obsessing over where your spouse is, or you suddenly become a detective and try to find out all of his or her secrets. You might nag your spouse, buy books for him or her to read or even start dressing provocatively so that you can get some type of positive response. These tactics never work, and they don’t allow you to grieve well so that you can heal from the pain of the betrayal.
4. FOCUSING ON HEALING
Grieving is such a vital part of the healing process when there has been a sexual betrayal in marriage. It’s important for you to get the right kind of help when you’re facing these difficult situations. Find safe people who can speak into your life according to what the Word of God says. Share your soul with them and talk about the struggles you’re facing in your marriage, rather than denying them.
As far as how you should respond to your spouse, it’s important for you to refrain from trusting him or her too soon. You need to set limits in your marriage in order for you to be able to take the time you need to work through your feelings. You will go through several stages during this process, and it’s important for you to not only face the situation and see it for what it is, but you also need to take all the time you need without your spouse pressuring you to just forget about it and move on.
A Christian marriage coach and counselor is an excellent resource for you if you’re currently experiencing betrayal in your marriage. If you would like to make an appointment to talk with me, please contact us at 843-379-0288. I have the tools and skills to help you on your healing journey. Having the right type of support is important, and you can find the assistance you need.
While it’s true that some marriages do not survive an affair or a life dominating pattern of sin-many marriages do. However, once the trust is gone, with a lot of work it is possible to get it back. In fact, once trust is regained you may come to a place in your marriage where there’s more honesty and intimacy than ever before. There are some things your husband can do to rebuild the trust that was lost when he sexually betrayed you.
1. YOU NEED SPACE
When your marriage has suffered a betrayal, such as a pornography, infidelity or a sexual addiction, it’s understandable that you are going to be highly emotional, or even irrational at times. There will be many instances when you will cry, scream or just need to vent. While it might be difficult for your husband to deal with, this is an important part of the healing process, and you need the space to do it. When you need to talk about the betrayal your husband’s response is crucial. Hearing “let’s talk”, even if it is at 2:00 AM gives you the reassurance he cares. He has known about the marital betrayal for quite some time. You have has just learned about it. You need time and space to come to terms with what has happened.
2. YOU NEED CONSISTENCY
If your marriage is going to survive, it’s very important for your husband to remain consistent with everything he says and does. If he make a promise about something, he needs to keep his promise. If he says he’ll be home at a certain time, he needs to make sure he’s home, or even early. Consistency is a very big part of trust, and as soon as he isn’t consistent, that allows more doubt to creep into your marriage. He needs to do everything he can to stay true to his word.
3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
It’s very painful for you if your spouse refuses to take responsibility for his actions, and it makes it that much harder for him to earn his trust back again. Because he has been the one to commit a marital betrayal, he is 100% at fault. Placing blame on anyone or anything else for what has happened must be avoided. Yes, it’s hard to admit wrong, but it’s also going to provide you with the quickest path toward healing your broken marriage and restoring trust.
Finally, talking with a Christian Marriage Coach can really help you work through the issues you’re facing during this difficult time in your marriage. Rebuilding trust is hard after an affair or any other kind of sexual betrayal. However, if you put in the effort, you will find that it’s definitely worth it.
I would love to help you work through this trying time. Grab your free copy of my ebook by clicking here and learn the 8 surefire strategies for recovering from sexual betrayal in marriage. Or, if you would like to make an appointment to talk with a Christian Marriage Coach, please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also use my online scheduler to make your appointment at your convenience.
God has great plans for your marriage, and together, I’m confident that we can work through the problems in a way that’s Biblical and that results in healing.
I CAN REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. I had just found out my husband was having an affair, and I was desperate to save our marriage. Perhaps you’re in the same situation with your marriage. You know there has to be a way, and you’re determined to find the answer before it’s too late.
I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. I went to my friends and family to ask them for help, but there was nothing they could do to change my husband’s mind. When that didn’t work, I approached my pastor, only to be told that he didn’t do marriage counseling.
FINALLY, I FOUND A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR At last I felt like I was going to get some answers. This particular counselor came highly recommended, and I was looking forward to our first session. I envisioned coming out of that session filled with tips and ideas of things I could do and that we could do together as a couple to save our marriage. I couldn’t believe it when, after that first session, she didn’t have any advice for me. I wasn’t offered any kind of plan.
AT THAT POINT I FELT LIKE I WAS REALLY ALONE. If a Christian counselor wasn’t able to give me the help I needed, then what could I possibly do?
PERHAPS THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE FINDING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. You’ve tried so many things to save your marriage, and every time you’ve sought out resources and help, you’ve realized the same thing I had to realize.
You needed to find someone who specializes in saving marriages.
MY HUSBAND’S CHOICES WERE HIS AND HIS ALONE. I couldn’t change him but I could find someone who has an action plan- that is God’s plan for spouses who hear those words: “I don’t love you anymore.”
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO GET TO THAT PLACE before we can realize how close God is. It wasn’t until I was utterly alone in my grief over the loss of my marriage that I was able to distinguish God’s arms around me. Shortly after that, I understood that His arms had always been around me; even when I didn’t know it.
MY FRIEND, GOD’S ARMS ARE AROUND YOU TOO. If you know you’re struggling in your marriage. I know you have pain and you want to change your spouse. I’ve been there. I want to invite you to read about my story through Enveloped. You’ll find raw truth in this book because it is my story. My prayer is that it helps you begin the healing process in your own life.
I KNOW GOD HAS GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR YOU TOO, just like He had great things in store for me. It’s much easier knowing how much He loves you, even when your whole world seems to be falling apart. I would love to share my journey with you as you experience what it’s like for God to envelope you too.
Shock. Disbelief. Confusion.
Perhaps those are the emotions you experienced the moment you realized your husband (wife) was unfaithful or involved in a serious marital betrayal. Even if you suspected it for quite some time, deep down, you prayed that it wouldn’t be true. You tried to reason your suspicions away, but you kept coming up with more reasons why they were real.
At times, when you tried really hard, you were able to forget about them for a while and just focus on what was good about your marriage. However, before long, there they were again. Eventually, you knew you had to act on them.
Whether you asked your husband (wife) about his infidelity and he finally came clean with you, or you found out because of his inability to cover up his indiscretions any longer, the pain you’re feeling is very real. You feel betrayed and humiliated. You also feel lost and alone.
As a woman who lived through the realization that my husband was unfaithful, I understand how a serious marital betrayal feels. I immediately felt as though I had married a stranger, because this man couldn’t possibly be the same person. When I realized that he didn’t love me anymore, it was hard to allow that thought to sink in. As it did, it seemed as though my life would crumble before my eyes.
More than anything, I thought that something could be done to help him. Surely I could convince him that our marriage was worth working on and saving. He must know his infidelity was a mistake and if I was patient enough or if I tried enough possible solutions, something would click eventually, wouldn’t it? After all, we had kids together, and he loved me at one point…didn’t he?
Before long I realized that when nothing changed I had to let go of these false hopes. I had to realize that the love we once had just wasn’t there anymore. He had made a decision to stop loving me, and that was something I needed to accept if I was ever going to be the person God intended for me to be. I needed to accept it if I was going to find healing.
If this is an issue you’re facing in your marriage, please know that you are not alone. Not only have I been there, I also know that God is also with you every step of the way, just like He was with me. Throughout all the pain and the sadness, God never left me. That is what my new book: Enveloped is all about.
Sometimes it’s not until we see how closely God has held us through all of our trials that we can understand how much He really loves us. I want to invite you to join me as I open my life to you for the purpose of helping you find healing from the pain in your marriage. We serve a good God, and His plans are always for our benefit and prosperity, regardless of the circumstances we may find ourselves in.
You can read more about how God took the betrayal and loss I experienced and created hope and goodness in my life in my upcoming book, Enveloped.
Enveloped is my story, but perhaps it could be yours as well. If you or someone you know is struggling with an issue in your marriage and you need to talk to someone who can help you, please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also set up an marriage coaching appointment with through my convenient online scheduler.
Most of my work has been done in Christian marriage coaching and counseling, and I’m often asked why I decided to put my story in a book format. I love that question for so many reasons, and I’d like to answer it for you. In my sessions with my clients, whether they were individual sessions or couples sessions, I will often share parts of my story with them.
Because I’ve been through the pain of infidelity and the feelings of marital betrayal that go along with that, I understand how it feels. I can remember when I was looking for someone to help me; I searched everywhere I could think of. I went to the obvious places I knew to ask for help. I reached out to my friends, my family members, my pastor and even a Christian counselor. None of them knew of a step-by-step plan to help me. Before I started asking for help, I felt alone. Once I realized I wasn’t going to get help from these sources, I felt isolated, scared and completely on my own.
In sharing bits and pieces of my story, I could see the change in the clients I was working with. It meant something to them that someone understood what they were going through, and not only understood that pain, but offered to share with them about what would work for them. I enjoy sharing my story because it has helped my clients in so many ways, but I wanted to do more. I wanted to reach more people with the truth of God’s unconditional and never-ending love.
That’s why Enveloped was written.
Enveloped is a heartbreaking story that’s filled with promises. Many of the clients I’ve worked with, whether they were individuals or couples, didn’t realize that there was hope for them. They felt stuck, trapped and as though all hope was lost. Many of them didn’t realize how great God’s love was for them, even in the midst of the challenges they were facing. If you’re reading this, perhaps you can relate to the pain of losing your spouse to infidelity or other serious marital betrayal. Maybe you or someone you know feels stuck too, and you’re not sure how you’re ever going to overcome your grief and start to get your life back on track.
You can read more about my journey in my upcoming book, Enveloped. It will be available by June 29 on Amazon.com. I couldn’t believe all that God could accomplish in me and through me once I realized how much He loved me. If God wasn’t there for me, I don’t know that I could have survived my divorce. I felt ready to give up. God had bigger plans for me than I ever imagined, and He has big plans for you too.