by Carol Erb | Christian Marriage Coaching |
How to Initiate a Biblical Separation
Finding out that your spouse has had an affair probably came as a huge emotional blow to you. In fact, you may have even come to the conclusion that your marriage cannot be repaired. A lot of individual feel that way after learning of their spouses’ betrayals, and they start considering a separation.
If this is what has been on your mind, I want to help. Biblical separations are possible, and it is important for you to know how to proceed. There are only two steps you should consider taking.
Step #1: Spend Time Seeking God
There are so many Scriptures that tell us how important it is to seek God in everything we do. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” That is a wonderful promise from your Heavenly Father. It is reassuring to know that all you need to do to get Godly counsel is ask God.
As you pray, ask God:
- To begin the healing process in your heart.
- To guide you to the right people who can help you through this trying time.
- To help you know how to proceed with the separation.
Staying connected to your faith in God is a critical part of the healing process after an affair. Remember, he is always there for you to comfort and guide you.
Step #2: Choose the Right People to Confide in
As a betrayed spouse, it is difficult not to share about everything we are going through with our friends and family. This is especially true for the painful events in our lives. While it can be helpful to talk about what we are feeling and experiencing, confiding in the wrong people can do more harm than good.
Sometimes people are quick to blame the betrayed spouse for the betraying spouse’s infidelity. They may not do it directly, but they may make statements like:
- Your spouse might love you more if you didn’t work such late hours.
- Are you sure you are having sex often enough for your spouse?
- Have you made your home a welcoming place for your spouse?
They may think that they are trying to help, but really, what they are saying can lead you believing that the affair was your fault.
A better option is to discuss the affair with a trusted pastor, counselor or another spiritual leader. They can help you by guiding you through the process of a Biblical separation the right way, with the outcome you are looking for without making you feel as though you are to blame for your spouse’s betrayal.
Christian Marriage Coaching and Counseling Offers a Solution
Every situation is different, and it is important to work with a professional who can meet you where you are and help you work through this difficult time. As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I have had the pleasure of working with many individuals plan a biblical separation as they make these hard decisions.
If you would like to make an appointment with me, you can do so by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com or by filling out the form on my contact page.
A Biblical separation is a major step, and it is not one that you should take without wise counsel. I would love the opportunity to work with you and help you through this challenging time through prayer and seeking God’s will for you together.
by Carol Erb | Christian Marriage |
Why Did My Spouse Have an Affair?
If you are a Christian who has recently discovered that your spouse had an affair, there is probably one burning question in your mind – why? This is a hard question to answer; especially considering the fact that the pain is so fresh from the betrayal.
There could be many reasons for your spouse’s affair, but it is also important for you to know that their cheating is not a reflection on anything you did or did not do. Their actions are their responsibility and theirs alone. Let’s talk about the different reasons why they might have betrayed you and your marriage.
They are a Backslidden Christian
It is possible that your spouse has been walking away from God for a very long time. Sometimes this can happen so slowly that it is hardly noticeable, but the effects are unmistakable.
Some signs that your spouse is backsliding, aside from having an affair, include:
- They no longer want to go to church.
- They don’t spend time in prayer.
- They don’t spend time reading his Bible.
- They don’t discuss spiritual matters with you.
- They don’t spend time with their Christian friends.
Once they walking away from God, temptation is everywhere. It is possible that because they’re no longer interested in the things of God, they aren’t convicted about having an affair as they would have been.
They have an Addiction to Sex
There are many men (and women too)who actually have addictions to sex or even love. Even if you have an intimate relationship with your husband, he may still feel the need to find someone outside the marriage to fulfill those strong desires.
Sex and love can have the same effects that drug and alcohol addiction have on a person’s mind and body. Your husband may experience a “rush” that feels good when he cheats. Sex and love addicts often chase after that high, and the same concept is evident in men who are addicted to pornography.
They’re Experiencing a “Second Adolescence”
Over time, some individuals begin to view their wives almost like their mothers. This is demonstrated by the behaviors they act out when they are cheating. For example, has your spouse been:
- Hiding text messages from you or deleting them from his phone?
- Finding different ways to stay out late?
- Making excuses when they miss important family events?
It is not uncommon for some individuals to “parentify” their partners. They may sneak around behind their backs and rebel against their marriage vows. This is often a poor attempt at individuality while making sure they have a spouse at home to make themselves feel secure.
Should You Consider Christian Marriage Counseling?
Working with a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor can give you fresh insight from the Word of God on your situation and on your spouse’s behavior. I have worked with many individuals who found themselves a betrayed spouse. Together, we have been able to work through the issues, pain and emotions that often accompany discovering that their spouse has cheated.
If you would like to make an appointment with me, please do so in any of the following ways – you can email me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or fill out the form on my contact page.
Your spouse may have had an affair for any number of reasons. While it is important for you to get answers to your questions, God is the one who holds the healing power you so desperately need. Let’s seek it together.
by Carol Erb | Christian Counseling |
Biblical Signs Your Spouse Regrets Cheating
If you have recently discovered that your spouse has had an affair, you are experiencing one of the most painful times in your life. Sometimes marriages end abruptly once a betrayal has taken place. But there are other times when the marriage can be saved.
Has your spouse come to you and expressed that they regrets their actions? If they have, you may not be sure that you can truly believe them. Nor, should you. It can be helpful to take a look at some Biblical signs that indicate that he is actually repentant and willing to work toward forgiveness and restoration.
Sign #1: They Take Full Responsibility for Their Betrayal
It is possible that you feel some blame for your spouse’s affair. That is normal, even if it is inaccurate. This is something that many individual do, mostly because of outside voices that have told them they could have done things differently.
But a sign of your spouse’s regret is for them to admit that the affair was his fault entirely. We see an excellent example of this in Luke 15:21. This is from the parable of the prodigal son, and in this verse, the son has returned home and is repenting for his actions. He says, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” He takes full responsibility for his sin. Your spouse should never blame you or indicate that you did anything wrong to cause them to have an affair.
Sign #2: They Are Patient and Understanding with You as You Heal
Your spouse should understand that his actions have done great damage to you and to your marriage. This is damage that cannot be undone by simply saying, “I’m sorry,” and then moving on with life as usual.
In Galatians 5:22-23, Paul talks about the Fruit of the Spirit, and one of them is patience. Your husband should understand that you need to go through a healing process. Your spouse should be willing to stand by you, give you time to heal and offer you any support you need from him.
Sign #3: Your Spouse’s Life Becomes an Open Book
During the affair, there were probably a lot of things about your spouse that you did not know. For example, were they working late most nights? Do they have a lot of discretionary time? Are they secretive about his phone and social media accounts?
If your spouse is truly repentant, his life should immediately become an open book to you. This includes:
- Making sure you have access to their phone.
- Telling you what time they will be home and then coming home at that time.
- Never spending time with opposite sex friends unless you are present.
- Making sure you have passwords to emails and social media accounts.
Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help
A Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor can help you work through the pain you feel because of your spouse’s affair. I have been able to help many women and couples as they take important steps like disclosing the affair and go through the healing process.
If you would like to make an appointment with me, you can do so by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or by filling out the form on my contact page.
If your spouse is demonstrating true regret, together, we can take the steps that are necessary to seek God in healing and then begin restoring your marriage. It is a journey, but is one that I would love to be a part of with you.
by Carol Erb | Affair |
Your Spouse’s Affair Isn’t Your Fault – Here’s Why
When a woman’s husband has an affair, it is very easy – and sometimes almost second nature – for her to blame herself. This is extremely normal, but it is not a correct assumption by any means. It can be easy to fall into the trap of playing the “blame game,” which is something that a lot of women do after learning of a marriage betrayal.
Today, I want you to know and understand that your husband’s affair is not your fault. The blame lies with him completely. Let’s talk about why.
Outside Voices Can Contribute to the Blame Game
It is possible that once you learned about your husband’s affair, and you shared it with others, they had plenty to say in response. Many women find that they hear many of the following questions and statements:
- Maybe you should try dressing sexier for him.
- Have you been withholding sex from your husband?
- Did you make sure you made his favorite meals for dinner?
- All you need to do is go out on more dates with each other.
- Have you tried having daily devotions with your husband?
- Maybe you could drop a few pounds so that he finds you more attractive?
These questions and statements can do so much damage, and they are largely why so many women blame themselves for their husband’s affairs. These outside voices are dangerous, so it is wise to keep talking to friends and family about the affair at a minimum.
You Feel Responsible for Your Husband’s Repentance
Because they have played the “blame game,” many women begin to believe the lie that they are responsible for their husbands’ repentance. They may take steps such as, setting up counseling appointments, buying their husbands self-help books or setting up a time for their husbands to meet with pastoral staff. These can all be helpful, of course, but in taking these actions, women are denying themselves the time they need to work through the healing process.
You are not responsible for your husband’s repentance to God or to you. It is up to him to make the necessary changes in his own life, if that is what he chooses to do.
Moving Past Accepting Fault and Into Healing from Marriage Betrayal
Have you caught yourself accepting the blame for your husband’s infidelity? This is so easy to do, but the fault is not yours, nor is it your job to fix the situation. It is wise to seek the advice of someone who understands what you are going through and who can provide you with the Biblical guidance and direction you need during this difficult time in your life.
As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I have worked with many women to do just that. You can make an appointment with me by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or by sending me a message through my contact page.
The Word of God is filled with instances of God’s healing power. It is available to you as well, and I would love to help you experience it.
by Carol Erb | Betrayal |
My Spouse Cheated: What is My First Step Biblically?
If you have recently learned that your has had an affair, you may be in a state of shock. There are many emotions that you will experience, and probably already have experienced. But for Christians, knowing what their first step should be Biblically is critical.
This is a very difficult time in your life, but God’s Word is filled with answers for every dilemma we face. Let’s talk about that all-important first step and why it should never be skipped.
Your First Step After Discovering a Betrayal: Prayer
There is a good reason why in Matthew 11:28, Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” There is nothing that causes a woman to become “weary and burdened” like learning about her husband’s affair. Before you talk with your husband about what happened or make any decisions at all, it is so important for you to bring your concerns before the Lord.
When you do bring this to God, I want to encourage you to be 100% honest with Him about how you are feeling. This is so important because sharing your heart with the Lord is vital for the healing process. Remember, He already knows what you are feeling and experiencing. Nothing is a secret to your Heavenly Father. So there is no need for you to try to disguise the pain you are going through.
Healing after a betrayal is a process, regardless of whether you decide together to try to save your marriage, or you begin working toward a separation. Continue to come to God regularly with your pain. Ultimately, He is the one who does the healing in you, and He will comfort and strengthen you for anything that lies ahead.
Biblically Confronting Your Spouse After an Affair
Once you are ready, you can move forward with confronting your spouse about their infidelity. You probably have a lot of questions for them, and these are answers you need and deserve to have. For example, you may want to know:
- How long has the affair been going on?
- How did you meet the person you had the affair with?
- How did you communicate with each other?
- Is this why we stopped having sex?
It can be helpful to have this conversation with your spouse in the presence of a trusted third party. This can be someone like a pastor or an elder in your church. Or, you may want to consider working with a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor who has experience in this area.
Healing After Spouse’s Affair – Christian Marriage Counseling
As I mentioned earlier, it is never a good idea to go into dealing with the aftermath of an affair without prayer or by yourself without a third party present. As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I have helped both women and couples work through marriage betrayals. My approach focuses on the Word of God, prayer and solid, Biblical wisdom from someone who has personally experienced infidelity in my own marriage in the past.
If you would like to make an appointment with me, you can do so by emailing me at hello@drcarolerb.com, or by filling out the information on my contact page.
Learning that your spouse has cheated can be so difficult. But this is not something you should try and figure out by yourself. Together, we can come before our Heavenly Father and seek His will for you and for your marriage.
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