If you’ve recently found out that your spouse has betrayed you sexually, (or if you’ve known for some time) your response is likely to be one of shock, disbelief and anger. It’s completely normal for you to feel as though you want to talk to someone about what you’ve discovered. However, the problem is that we tend to want to talk to too many of the wrong people.
Sexual sin is incredibly debilitating to a marriage relationship. You are hurt and once the shock wears off, you’re probably going to feel furious and as though you need to vent. Even so, it’s important to be sure you’re talking about the situation to the right type of people so that you can get the help you really need. You need to identify the difference between safe people and unsafe people.
It might come as a surprise that many of the people you might naturally gravitate to for the purpose of discussing your spouse’s betrayal are unsafe people. Family members and friends often fall into this category simply because they may directly or indirectly blame you for what happened or assume that something is wrong with you that caused the betrayal. They may encourage you to run away from the problem or get a divorce, which is not always the answer when one spouse has cheated on another.
As a matter of fact, you even need to be very wise about whom you talk within your church. Their intentions are usually good, and they want what’s best for you, but sometimes those in the church community give advice that’s more harmful than good. For example, if you’re a wife whose husband has been unfaithful, they may tell you to seek out Scripture that directs you to submit to his sexual desires, which is advice that doesn’t take into consideration the root of the problem that caused the betrayal. It also minimizes the depth of your spouse’s sexual problems.
Simply put, unsafe people will give you unwanted advice. They will try to fix the situation simply because they are not comfortable with your grief and anger.
An individual is a safe person to talk to if you already know this person will love you and accept you unconditionally. It’s natural for you to want to vent to someone who listens, but you need to be sure that the information you share is safe with him or her. You don’t need to talk with anyone who will gossip about you or your situation. Also, it’s not necessary for that person to attempt to fix anything. What is necessary is Biblical encouragement and prayer. The person you choose to vent to should be very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and should not be taken aback by your angry emotions.
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COACHING
The best person for you to talk to is a professional, Christian marriage coach who has training in the area of pornography and sexual addictions and there are a lot of reasons for this. Your counselor or coach will talk with you in depth about the situation you’re in and he or she will pray for you as well about what you should do next. You’ll find nothing but direction, acceptance and love as you work through the issues facing your marriage.
If you would like to make an appointment to talk with a Christian marriage coach, we’d love to hear from you. Your location is no problem. Aside from meeting face-to-face, we work via Skype and phone. You can contact us at 843-379-0288, or feel free to schedule your appointment using our online scheduler
The issues you’re facing right now are difficult, and they require a lot of prayer and wise counsel before you proceed. We would love to help you. And, if you have been faced with unsafe people in your healing journey, we’d love to hear your story. Send us a reply!
It’s never easy to face the fact that your spouse has betrayed you; especially when that comes in the form of some type of sexual betrayal. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself falling into a lot of different traps that actually prevent you from grieving properly.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
1. DENIAL AND MINIMIZING
You don’t want to believe that your spouse is involved in any type of pornography, infidelity or sexual addiction. In fact, it’s much easier for you if you just pretend it doesn’t exist or you try to explain it away. It seems easier to ignore your feelings or repress your intuition that something’s not right. You may respond by quickly forgiving just to move on. Or, you make excuses for your spouse’s behavior despite the evidence. Deep down, you might realize that you’re not handling the situation properly, but it feels safer for you to deny it or minimize it.
2. ABANDONING THE RELATIONSHIP
Some people react the opposite way. You move out. Or you’re really eager to immediately file for divorce. Another way you may leave the relationship is to stay angry, keep late hours at work or sleep the day away. People handle pain in different ways to escape the heartbreak of a betrayal. You might be surprised to find out that sometimes there are other ways you can find healing and restoration for your marriage.
3. FIXING THE DAMAGE
Perhaps you have been betrayed by your spouse and your first response is to try and fix the damage that’s been done. Maybe you find yourself constantly obsessing over where your spouse is, or you suddenly become a detective and try to find out all of his or her secrets. You might nag your spouse, buy books for him or her to read or even start dressing provocatively so that you can get some type of positive response. These tactics never work, and they don’t allow you to grieve well so that you can heal from the pain of the betrayal.
4. FOCUSING ON HEALING
Grieving is such a vital part of the healing process when there has been a sexual betrayal in marriage. It’s important for you to get the right kind of help when you’re facing these difficult situations. Find safe people who can speak into your life according to what the Word of God says. Share your soul with them and talk about the struggles you’re facing in your marriage, rather than denying them.
As far as how you should respond to your spouse, it’s important for you to refrain from trusting him or her too soon. You need to set limits in your marriage in order for you to be able to take the time you need to work through your feelings. You will go through several stages during this process, and it’s important for you to not only face the situation and see it for what it is, but you also need to take all the time you need without your spouse pressuring you to just forget about it and move on.
A Christian marriage coach and counselor is an excellent resource for you if you’re currently experiencing betrayal in your marriage. If you would like to make an appointment to talk with me, please contact us at 843-379-0288. I have the tools and skills to help you on your healing journey. Having the right type of support is important, and you can find the assistance you need.
While it’s true that some marriages do not survive an affair or a life dominating pattern of sin-many marriages do. However, once the trust is gone, with a lot of work it is possible to get it back. In fact, once trust is regained you may come to a place in your marriage where there’s more honesty and intimacy than ever before. There are some things your husband can do to rebuild the trust that was lost when he sexually betrayed you.
1. YOU NEED SPACE
When your marriage has suffered a betrayal, such as a pornography, infidelity or a sexual addiction, it’s understandable that you are going to be highly emotional, or even irrational at times. There will be many instances when you will cry, scream or just need to vent. While it might be difficult for your husband to deal with, this is an important part of the healing process, and you need the space to do it. When you need to talk about the betrayal your husband’s response is crucial. Hearing “let’s talk”, even if it is at 2:00 AM gives you the reassurance he cares. He has known about the marital betrayal for quite some time. You have has just learned about it. You need time and space to come to terms with what has happened.
2. YOU NEED CONSISTENCY
If your marriage is going to survive, it’s very important for your husband to remain consistent with everything he says and does. If he make a promise about something, he needs to keep his promise. If he says he’ll be home at a certain time, he needs to make sure he’s home, or even early. Consistency is a very big part of trust, and as soon as he isn’t consistent, that allows more doubt to creep into your marriage. He needs to do everything he can to stay true to his word.
3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
It’s very painful for you if your spouse refuses to take responsibility for his actions, and it makes it that much harder for him to earn his trust back again. Because he has been the one to commit a marital betrayal, he is 100% at fault. Placing blame on anyone or anything else for what has happened must be avoided. Yes, it’s hard to admit wrong, but it’s also going to provide you with the quickest path toward healing your broken marriage and restoring trust.
Finally, talking with a Christian Marriage Coach can really help you work through the issues you’re facing during this difficult time in your marriage. Rebuilding trust is hard after an affair or any other kind of sexual betrayal. However, if you put in the effort, you will find that it’s definitely worth it.
I would love to help you work through this trying time. Grab your free copy of my ebook by clicking here and learn the 8 surefire strategies for recovering from sexual betrayal in marriage. Or, if you would like to make an appointment to talk with a Christian Marriage Coach, please contact me at 843-379-0288. You can also use my online scheduler to make your appointment at your convenience.
God has great plans for your marriage, and together, I’m confident that we can work through the problems in a way that’s Biblical and that results in healing.
I CAN REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. I had just found out my husband was having an affair, and I was desperate to save our marriage. Perhaps you’re in the same situation with your marriage. You know there has to be a way, and you’re determined to find the answer before it’s too late.
I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. I went to my friends and family to ask them for help, but there was nothing they could do to change my husband’s mind. When that didn’t work, I approached my pastor, only to be told that he didn’t do marriage counseling.
FINALLY, I FOUND A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR At last I felt like I was going to get some answers. This particular counselor came highly recommended, and I was looking forward to our first session. I envisioned coming out of that session filled with tips and ideas of things I could do and that we could do together as a couple to save our marriage. I couldn’t believe it when, after that first session, she didn’t have any advice for me. I wasn’t offered any kind of plan.
AT THAT POINT I FELT LIKE I WAS REALLY ALONE. If a Christian counselor wasn’t able to give me the help I needed, then what could I possibly do?
PERHAPS THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE FINDING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. You’ve tried so many things to save your marriage, and every time you’ve sought out resources and help, you’ve realized the same thing I had to realize.
You needed to find someone who specializes in saving marriages.
MY HUSBAND’S CHOICES WERE HIS AND HIS ALONE. I couldn’t change him but I could find someone who has an action plan- that is God’s plan for spouses who hear those words: “I don’t love you anymore.”
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO GET TO THAT PLACE before we can realize how close God is. It wasn’t until I was utterly alone in my grief over the loss of my marriage that I was able to distinguish God’s arms around me. Shortly after that, I understood that His arms had always been around me; even when I didn’t know it.
MY FRIEND, GOD’S ARMS ARE AROUND YOU TOO. If you know you’re struggling in your marriage. I know you have pain and you want to change your spouse. I’ve been there. I want to invite you to read about my story through Enveloped. You’ll find raw truth in this book because it is my story. My prayer is that it helps you begin the healing process in your own life.
I KNOW GOD HAS GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR YOU TOO, just like He had great things in store for me. It’s much easier knowing how much He loves you, even when your whole world seems to be falling apart. I would love to share my journey with you as you experience what it’s like for God to envelope you too.